Turning your thoughts around?
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 05-02-2004 - 10:19am |
Honestly I felt as though at 2 month NC I was over the worst. I could finally see all OM's faults and more importantly all the faults of the relationship and of having an affair - I could see my H's good qualities. Everything was finally falling into place. My M still needed alot of work, but it finally seemed possible. I could look at the A as a big mistake of my part - and a total wrong.
Then all of a sudden out of no-where I feel like I've lost my mind again. I'm thinking of OM all the time, missing him, forgetting his faults, only seeing H's faults. I feel like I'm back at week 1. All the hurt is flooding through me. I'm wondering what he's thinking. Is he over me? Did he ever hurt like I do? What happened?
I suppose seeing him (even though we didn't apeak) triggered all of this. I guess that is why NC is so important - at least as much distance as possible. I wish I could turn it around to where I was. How do I flip back? How do I feel strong again?

You can do it. It's all a mindset. The mind is a powerful too.....USE IT!
Good luck and God Bless.
**Terri**
I don't know if you remember me or not...........I was on this board a lot last summer and fall when I ended my A with a married man. I am married with children as well.
I mostly come back here just to read........I haven't posted anything for the longest time, after awhile it just seems like the same old words to the same old pain. And it doesn't get me anywhere.
But your post struck me, probably because I know you're dealing with the same timeline as I am. I wonder about the way the pain dulls, fades and then comes back all of a sudden with a crippling venegence.
The conclusion I have come to is this:
For me, it's fear.
For me, I can get through the hours and the days, and I am usually OK.
But then, all of a sudden, I get this feeling. It's like claustrophobia, or vertigo. When I realize the days have passed me by in a fog and I remember myself. With XMM, I was aware of myself for the first time in so long. Physically, emotionally, sexually. With XMM, I felt alive, and beautiful.
When I start to feel that pain again, I know it is panic- pure and simple. Panic that I will never feel that way again, that I have slipped under the water of my comfortable, normal, nice little life and drowned. I miss HIM, but mostly I miss who I was with him. I miss being so self-aware.
There's a lot of things I understand, but don't fully grasp, things that I bury underneath the effort of getting through the days without the void being too obvious. THERE IS A VOID IN MY LIFE. When I miss XMM, all it is is me realizing that the void is there. It's me seeing through myself.
I am scared. And maybe that's what it is for you, too.
Good luck, Crystal. We'll get there..........
Starry
Starry! So good to know you're still doing well. Ok, there might be times that you don't feel like you are
EXCELLENT POST! Just the words I needed to read today...having a tough day and struggling to let go...and your post really hit home. Thanks!
dharma
I think alot of women go through exactly what you're saying. They move through time doing things for everyone else and every so often have those flashes - is this all there is/what about me?
I think that is what led many of us to affairs in the first place.
I do believe its totally possible to answer those questions within myself and as you said be self aware" but for you - not because of anyone else. We just haven't quite found the answer yet, but we know what doesn't work right?
Although it felt wonderful to have OM in my life, it was so painful and there just wasn't any 'right answer' that included him. It was as though he was a mirage. He looked like the answer, but there was no reality to it. It only existed in my mind (and his) - not in real life.
Its so scary to think of what I almost gave up for him. Its horrifying to think of what life would have been like once the bubble burst - I'm sure the 'pretty picture' would have washed away.
Wow, I am surprised you guys remember me from so long ago!
I haven't seen or talked to XMM since August. Sometimes I can't believe it, it seems so long. But even though I have a lot of those 'fear' moments, those hard days, I learned something valuable. I wouldn't say I'm happy. But I will be. I have realized that the way I used my affair as an escape from my life was cheating in EVERY sense of the word. I cheated myself out of REAL happiness. I cheated myself out of seeing any possibility of finding it on my own and claiming it as my right. Instead I stole it like a common thief.
I admit, I have been very unhappy these last months. But I take ownership over that pain. And more than anything, I made a decision that all that pain was going to teach me something. I wasn't going to accept that all of that was for nothing. That's why when I feel weak and scared and panicked, I don't pick up the phone, or send that email. I try to fill my life up with possibility. And XMM is not on that list of possibilities. I guess that sort of FORCES me to look elsewhere. This is my pain, my life, my journey. And a lot of days, it sure sucks. You're right, Cyrstal, that's why I had an A in the first place, and it solved nothing. There was no 'right answer' that included XMM. He was my 'cheat'.
I may not be happy yet, and my life may be under construction, but I am strong, and I will be OK. I really believe that.
We'll all be happy. Once we learn how.
Thanks so much for your support and wise words........
Starry
I so know what you mean. I have had absolutely no contact for 7 months and some days I still feel sick and heart broken. Sometimes I miss him so much and wish I could have a do over and make different decisions. But then again, there are days when I only think of him for a moment or two and can't even picture his face!! I don't know why this has to be so complicated!!!
Hang in there Crystal....we really have come a long way!!!!
Karry
Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige