Tweenerville.....only 14 days to go

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Tweenerville.....only 14 days to go
7
Sun, 08-01-2010 - 8:25pm

August 15th will mark 90 days since I last had any contact with XMM. The last contact was via email in mid May when I asked for NC. I told him to please respect me, him and our respective familes enough to remain NC and he has. XMM honoring NC has been a relief since there have been times that I doubt my strength if he were to break it.


At first, NC was my last resort. It was the one thing I didnt want to have to do. Instead, I wanted to try and be cordial, be friends and well, that just doesnt work. Now that I have 2 1/2 months of NC under my belt I can see how easily I would have fallen back into the A had we remained friends. I looked at NC as punishment, as cold hearted, as harsh. Oh, how blind and naive I was.


But NC was my gift to myself and it allowed me to heal, to wrap myself up in a protective little bubble were I could deal with things one at a time and at a slow pace. I didnt jump feet first back into my RL. Instead, I dipped my toe in, tested the water, took my time and it took awhile but as the days went on, I noticed that my mind was not a million miles away like it used to be. I started to remember the things I used to enjoy pre A like my beloved thrift store shopping on Fridays. It was those Fridays that were blocked out just incase I got the thumbs up from XMM to meet up. I made myself his "Beck and call girl" and every spare minute was spent either thinking about him, being with him or figuring our how to be with him. I didnt realize how much time, effort and energy that took. I was surprised to see how once the door to XMM was not only shut but also locked, bolted, nailed and welded shut, I saw how damaging and wrong the whole entire A was.


I shared a story with my fellow EAS sister Alice recently and I want to share it here too. Ive said before how I was so addicted to XMM and the A itself that I even left my son alone, in the hospital, after surgery to meet up with XMM. Well, I also did about the same to all others who care for me....


During my A I was training and studying for a chance at a dream job. Well, I succeded and was honored for that achievement in Jan of this year. This was also the time of some tense conflict between XMM and myself and shortly after his dday. XMM wanted to be at the ceremony and I refused. Instead he wanted to meet me afterwards which I agreed to and told him that I would be done around 330 or

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Sun, 08-01-2010 - 9:03pm

Dear GMLB,

Tears streamed down my face as I read this post. I remember you writing about that award, and I remember when you were writing about your son in the hospital. I could relate to your story so much ... while the details would be different, I have stories that are just as shameful and make me sick to my stomach. There are also memories of what my xAP missed out on to have time with me. It makes me so so sad to think of all the planning and celebrating our respective family and friends did for us, and all the times we were totally checked out just waiting for these parties to end so that we could be in contact. How awful. Times where I could hear my children begging me to stay ... oh god, how horrible.

BUT - we're here now. And while we can't erase the past, your post reminds us of what kinda future can await an ENDER. I know you have worked so hard to get here, you have been a consistent support to me along my journey and I am so happy that you are on your way to Tweenerville. What a journey, eh? I can only imagine where we are going to be by the time we reach a year out! I can't believe how much better life gets the further out you move from the affair.

Well - 14 days to go and then you get your wings. I will be here waiting for you!

Love TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 9:06am

I'm only on day 2,and I've been bragging about how easy it is, how well I am doing. I woke up this morning thinking, "what harm would one email do?"

Out of desperation, and before I got the itchy fingers, I read your post. It kept me from doing it. I once again am amazed at the stories, the similarities, and the strength I get from reading these posts.

I am about to begin my day, with thoughts of emailing him out of my head. I look forward to each day with NC. It's not as easy as I thought, but, I can do it.

emsee

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2010
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 10:01am

Wow! Thank you for your openness. This post really drew me back into the horrible feelings an A can cause. That push and pull. The way we could use words to destroy each other. How quickly we could say "I'm done!" and leave the other person feeling like a piece of lint on the floor. It's all so destructive and such a great reminder of what I am protecting myself from.


Thank You!! And good luck as you continue on your journey!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 10:15am

GMLB -

I'm so happy for you. I can't wait to get there to join you.

Wising -

<<<<>>>>

Exactly - and it's a LOT easier to say things on the phone or via texting than it is to say them to a person's face. And since the majority of conversations involve a telephone during an A, it's no wonder. Keep protecting yourself :)

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 12:10pm

Hey GMLB-


I am with TU. Your post brought me to tears. I have many memories just like yours... times when I rushed about or neglected my family and my real life for xap. It really does twist me up inside to remember those things, but you are right, it is those memories that keep me NC. It is those memories that remind me how low I was willing to sink and prevent me from ever sinking that low again. NC really is the only way. It has saved my life. With each day, I grow stronger. And I know that soon, I will have trouble even recalling his face in my mind. I can't wait for you to get to Tweenerville. Things really turned around for me then. It started to get so much easier and the next 90 days literally flew by. So, hurry up already, will you? I have a seat saved for you.


Hugs,


Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 12:26pm

GMLB,


I cannot wait to give you your Tweener Wings.


<>


I was just explaining this to another poster and hope that she reads your thread. You have been through so much, and still you have also been a terrific supporter to others on this board, and for that I would like to thank you.


Only 2 more weeks. How great is that?


(((Hugs)))


   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2010
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 1:52pm

it's a LOT easier to say things on the phone or via texting than it is to say them to a person's face.


Agreed!! That is how he was able to remain in control. A telephone or face to face conversation required a beginning and end. Text and emails are little bits of information given or ignored at just the opportune time. I spent so much time trying to figure out what he meant. What a waste of time...