Twist to my story...(m)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2003
Twist to my story...(m)
3
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 3:51pm


Long story short: MM and I involved emotionally for a year and a half, physically for 8 months. He's my boss; we're both married with children. Originally we agreed that we'd never consider leaving our respective spouses for one another - we'd draw a line at "wanting more" (looking back, that was incredibly naive!) When we did discuss ending our A, it always revolved around my inability to accept the fact that he still wants his marriage to work. Fortunately, I realize that I have some severe issues when it comes to relationships (ie, it appears that I like them best when they're not healthy for me, hahaha) but it's one thing to recognize your shortcomings and quite another to take action to heal them.

I broke it off with MM last week - on Friday, to be exact. He's hurt and he's angry. I broke down and told him I'd confided in my sponsor about the A (I'm also in a 12-step program and have been for years - that's the twist) and that she had finally issued me an ultimatum - get out of the A or lose her as my sponsor and friend. He's angry that I've been dishonest with him about not confiding in anyone else - now he feels threatened, which I appreciate even though *I* know she'd never tell anyone. It's all about confidentiality. He's asked me in the past if our relationship was negatively affecting my program, and I always lied and said no. On Friday, I finally admited that OF COURSE it affects my spiritual growth and my step work - complete honesty is, like, the core of the program I'm in! So he said, "Then it's over. I'm not going to be responsible for you picking up a drink." (No one would be "responsible" but me, but that's a whole 'nother conversation...) Basically, we decided that ending the A was the "right thing to do morally."

Is it? How does one know that for certain? Now my sponsor/friend is happy, and I'm sure our spouses would be happy, too. But MM is miserable. I am miserable. And I have no doubt that we won't stop thinking about one another. What's the point of ending the physical and emotional intimacies if we let each other occupy so much of our minds? Isn't that still "wrong"?

As you can tell, I'm way confused. Any advice or even criticism would be much appreciated =)

ItalianPisces

 

ItalianPisces

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 4:16pm
Italianpisces~

First, GOOD FOR YOU!! You have shown tremendous growth by the recognition of what is healthy for YOU.

Now for your questions "But MM is miserable. I am miserable. And I have no doubt that we won't stop thinking about one another. What's the point of ending the physical and emotional intimacies if we let each other occupy so much of our minds? Isn't that still "wrong"? "

Let me guide you back to your first few days, weeks, months into recovery (btw, GOOD FOR YOU AGAIN!)...do you remember your precontemplative stage, before you quit? Remember what that bottom was for you? Do you remember ever thinking "how am I going to do this?". Do you remember have to RE-TRAIN yourself, your behavior, your thoughts from your drug of choice (alcohol I presume)---ever obsess about it? or automatically think about it when times got tough? or even get to the point where you could taste it in your mouth? dream about it?

Breaking from an affair is no different. We have adapted ourselves to coping with situations that are unpleasant on the homefront. Affairs become very much like addiction.

Whats the point of ending it when you occupy each others thoughts? Because....what's the point? Where's it going to go? Is this a HEALTHY relationship? Of course you are going to occupy each other's thoughts...of course you will be miserable (we ALL here, from time to time....) but just like in recovery...it gets better in time. And you know, that one slip will send you right back to where you were before. It isn't really wrong to think of someone else, esp. if you are trying to work yourself out of it....that's par with the territory here. We've allowed ourselves to become unhealthily attached to this other individual in trying to meet our own needs.

Telling your sponser was a very positive step...and don't let mm tell you otherwise. Keeping this stuff can be very toxic to the soul....the truth shall set you free (well, except in telling spouses...NEVER tell them).

My exMM and I ended things because it was the right thing to do....but its difficult and I still think about him often.(well, daily, much of the day...but as time goes on, the pain lessens).

My advice....look at the steps and apply to the affair. Step 1 admit that you are powerless. Also, go into No Contact...it helps too. You are right when it is preventing spiritual growth...in fact, it sucks away at any spirituality you may have. Freedom and growth come when you learn to let go.

Easy Does It and Take it one step at a time....

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 8:52am
I see what you are saying, and I feel the way you feel. But I KNOW that the answer is this: if you allow yourself to get over this guy, you will. And vice versa.

It really is no better for you than drinking. And it has to end the same way..cold turkey, no exceptions.

Not easy...but there it is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2003
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 3:50pm
Thanks, ladies. Your responses were exactly what I needed to hear. NC is, of course, impossible as exMM is my boss, but we have come to some semblance of an agreement as far as what is now appropriate and what's not. He has decided to use denial as his means of dealing with the end of the A, while denial is the last thing I need to bring back into my life! I've come to realize that this, like my other addictions, is going to require me to use the same steps I use in my other recovery efforts. Now it's just a matter of time and practicing opposite behavior - something I have a real distaste for!! Thanks again for your words of wisdom =)

ItalianPisces

 

ItalianPisces