Two men - one heart

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2005
Two men - one heart
1
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 11:12am
I need advice, I am so lost in my life. I am 23 years old and have been with the same man for a year and a half. He's 28. We've had our share of ups and downs; when I met him he was a party animal but shortly after we started getting more involved he seemed to begin to calm down. Over the course of our relationship we have disagreed on various things that I suppose every couple has their share of. I find that I am usually the one chasing him for affection and emotional connection though. More and more I have felt our connection transitioning into what feels like a deeply connected friendship. I wonder if maybe I have truly fallen in love for the first time in my life. But here's the kicker.
Last week we got into a huge fight before I left with a friend for the weekend. It was bad terms all around. Things had been getting rocky beforehand and maybe I was feeling vindictive (immature indeed), or maybe I was just frustrated and confused, or all of the above, but I met someone on the trip. There was a real connection there and I ended up cheating on my boyfriend. Since then, the man that I met has been calling me and wants to start a relationship with me. I feel like he fulfills the needs that my boyfriend cannot, for example my needs for affection and communication. Still I am unsure. Since last week we have been seeing each other and he has been making trips to see me, driving over 100 miles both ways just to spend a few hours with me. I have found myself tangled in a web of lies and I am not sure how to get out. I have tried to break it off with my boyfriend several times in the past week, but for some reason I just can't bring myself to tell him that I no longer love him and that I want to walk away forever. He tells me that he knows that there are things he needs to work on because he has let me down hard quite a few times in our relationship. He is dependent on me but seems to truly want to break away from that. I feel that his dependency has tainted my respect for him. He says he will do anything to keep me in his life and there is a ring waiting for me if we can repair our issues. He seems genuine that he wants to try, but I feel like I have the other man offering me what I need right now and if I pass on him he will surely be gone. My boyfriend does not know about my relationship with this other man, but he definitely notices that things are not right. I have never been in a situation like this before and my heartstrings are being yanked and tugged in every direction. One moment of weakness and now I am stuck in a mess that keeps getting worse and worse. Am I simply afraid of committment and running from true love? I feel like I am. I need advice, I feel like I am losing my mind and I just want this whole situation to go away. Do I give my relationship one more shot or do I walk away from it all and try to heal. I feel like if I leave my boyfriend I will always have guilt in my heart, and if I stay with him it will be the same. Do I confess all of this? Please help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 12:54pm
I think at 23 years old you're still young..and you deserve to explore the world of relationships. Maybe you need to tell your present boyfriend that you want time apart, to be JUST YOU..and see how it feels. He does not need to know you met someone else. Though you also have to be cautious with the someone else. It's still very early to decide that this other person is going to fulfill you. Some men have a way of fulfilling us in the beginning,but as for long term, who knows. And if your present boyfriend has issues already, that is a big red flag--that might be saying he's not the one to marry. I just think you need to be single for now. Date if you like, but don't make any promises. Far too many women end up married at your age and regret it later on. HUgs to you and I hope things work out, regardless what you decide.