Two questions for you clever bunnies:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Two questions for you clever bunnies:)
2
Thu, 02-17-2011 - 6:18am

Hi guys

Ok so after hearing from exAP after 2 mths when he asked if Id be his fb, and then finding out that he was actually on a dating site nearly the whole time through our 18mth 'loving, special, if-only' A..... I am doing a truckload of work on .... ME!!!

I have two questions which Id really love your input on.....

1. With everything that happened this week, my first instant thought was 'OMG I wonder if he thinks badly of me?'. Why would he think Im a slut, why would he cheat on me unless I had somehow let him down or not beem enough......blah blah blah.

You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Thu, 02-17-2011 - 6:35am
Iggs,
First of all - YEAH for working on YOU! I hope you are giving yourself a huge pat on the back and doing a litttle jig.

To answer your questions:
1. I think as we all come out of the A Fog - we begin to realize how much of what we shared, or what xAP said is just rhetoric. I came to this board only to discover the man who begged me for months to marry him someday - and all the other "love" lines - took a page out of millions of other A's. You are giving him TOO MUCH credit to worry about him - and it's a sign of the fact that you were fully vested, and that you have your own validation issues.

All of us seek approval, applause, attention and validation that we are beautiful, worthy, smart, funny, thoughtful, etc. The question is what got YOU here - not how he is. SO - tell us can you identify YOUR patterns during your life? What is your earliest memory of being left or neglected or not gaining approval that impacted YOU?

A few months back a mutual friend of xAP and I mentioned that she had run into him and he had called me his biggest mistake - and I was devastated a bit that that was how he thought of me (My post about it is somewhere on here). What the boardies helped me realize was - that what he says doesn't matter AND I wasn't a mistake. This whole A is a part of my personal journey to better myself.

2. Why are you beating yourself up for something HE DID? HE is a cake eater - a greedy, "how many women can I get because I'm such a stud", loser who will NEVER be satisfied with one woman because HE has HUGE issues of his own. Do NOT make the mistake of taking on HIS crap - DO NOT make his issues YOURS. What he did, surprisingly, has NOTHING to do with you - it is ALL ABOUT HIM.

Just a thought - but you should read the codependency homework down in the healing library thread (the pdf about codependency) - I think you will see yourself and your behaviors in a little different light.....

Much love,
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
Thu, 02-17-2011 - 10:13am

Iggy I only have a minute but will say I have not been my best friend here. I always asked why I wast goood enough because I pick men who do not want to commit (so to speak) and I didnt stick up for myself.