Two steps backwards

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Two steps backwards
14
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 11:08pm
Well here I was doing pretty good, concentrating on H and struggling forward. NC for 3 weeks at xmm request. We work for same company but I transfered to another city. So we do have contact through work and of course everyone knows we are so close, we can't just totally avoid each other. We had one conversation last week that left me upset. We ended up talking today and it was so awkward at first and he was kind of rude, I asked him to not disrespect me and I thought it was going so well. We talked about our friendship and how we ruined it. We talked about a lot of things. At the time I think these conversations help me feel better about what happened between us, and I get answers to things that had bothered me. But I bet everyone can guess what we ended up talking about before we hung up.
He is the one pushing NC and I can see it is really the only way. We agreed that we wouldn't talk for an indefinately longer period to enable us to try and get past this in the hope that someday (maybe a year or so) we can work together again. It was so nice to talk to him and I have to admit it dosen't hurt as bad as it did before but I felt so bad when I got off of the phone I hurried and called H, talking to xmm leaves me feeling so dissatisfied. Why do I do it? When will I learn?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 12:05am

JS

You talk to XMM becasue your getting SOMETHING from it whatever it is there is a payoff or you would not be doing it.

Learn from this keep future conversations PROFFESIONAL ONLY, you have no personal relationship with this man.

You need to decide for yourself and your marriage that "YOU" want NO CONTACT and are going to keep it for you and you husband not have it imposed on you by XMM.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 7:04am

<>

I feel this way too and that is why talking to them is no good! And worse is when you do get that oen satsifying conversation and it gets you thinking you can still talk and then the next 5 suck! Not worht it! I totally understand how you feel. As for when we will learn, i think we are works in progress! Dont be too hard on yourself! Keep focused on your H!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 8:18am

<<>>

I agree with this totally b/c the same happens to me. I know it's self defeating and I know I will feel pain afterwards, but for the moment the connection feels real again. It's a true addiction, I feed off the pain and this creates emotion. Then the emotion makes me feel closer to him yet its the opposite of closeness that it really acheives. Make any sense?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 10:39am

I know you guys are right and I really can't understand why I am letting this be a struggle for me. I know that he is just saying these things because he wants to still have ic later this month. The most pathetic thing is that I would even consider it, my H still is not interested in sex. My best friend who is the only person I can talk about it tells me I am being selfish and stupid.

Where is my integrity and self respect? It is like I just can't seems to have the resolve to make the decision and stick to it. I am not sure what is stopping me. The only thing I feel is scared and angry with my H. Well now that I have written that it makes a little more sense to me. I have got to stop running away and face the issues in my marriage.

This is the time for me to say "NO MORE"! I really don't want to talk to him though, how about an email telling him no more? I know this is my chance to leave with some dignity and finally take my power back instead of always giving it to him. The definition of insanity, "If you keep doing what you have always done you will keep getting what you have always gotten." Haven't I had enough pain? Is a few hours worth my self respect?....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 12:09pm

<< just can't seems to have the resolve to make the decision and stick to it>>

Trust me. I struggle with that everyday. It is so hard to give it even when you know it really needs to be done.

<>

Again, i ask myslef this everyday. I know I am not helping but i wanted you to know you are not alone. Just say today..just today NC!! Then see about tomotrow. I have to do it in tiny chunks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 1:30pm
The ability to make a decision and stick with it is killing me as well. I have the angel and the devil on each shoulder and I can't stop the bickering between them. I will resist 20 times in a day to walk by his office or send an IM. and 20 times I am good and have the power...but then the 21st time comes around and I cave...its torture and I am beginning to think it's all in my head. Like I am making myself crazy. I just want to STOP CARING ALREADY. Enough is enough and no matter how many times I say that I can't convince myself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 1:50pm
I think I can handle the whole thing being over but I will be staying at a hotel for a business trip and he wants to come there. I need to forbid it, but I still want it. This is my chance to leave with the upper hand. If I don't it will hurt afterwards. What if someone finds out? I could ruin my reputation, hurt my family and I am still considering this? I feel so much like an addict just wanting one more fix. I don't even bother trying to rationalize it I have been telling myself it will be the last time for the last six months. I don't crave the phone calls anymore so I know I am getting stronger but the chance for one more time is so tempting. Just like an alcoholic with a drink....
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 1:58pm

The three of us sound very much in the same boat. I have no answers for us but what we know already. I say to myself you know for so many reasons you are better w/o this man but I still cant get everything inside of me on board. I too just want to stop carign or just stop THINKING for just a bit and get free! I was so almost there and I allowed him in again! And I too batlle all day btn never talkign to him again to well maybe!! Ugh! I know it is acceptance that is the defining factor here.

Bad today too!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 7:35pm

Ladies

There is really only one solution, DECIDE that your done then IMPOSE AND INFORCE TOTAL NO CONTACT ON YOURSELF AS WELL AS HIM.

Trust me being the dumper is a lot easier then being the dumpee, saying and meaning NO to being his NO cost hooker is the only way leave this with a shred of you dignity left intact.

There is not a whole lot of romance in being a booty call, if you going to be at least have enough self respect to charge for it.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 7:54pm
Free thanks for the good laugh. You are so right and I am so done. I just have to make sure he does not show up at my hotel in the middle of the night, or if he does he has enough cash. Seriously though, will sending an email work? I really don't want to have to talk to him for a long while.....

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