Two steps backwards
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Two steps backwards
| Mon, 03-14-2005 - 11:08pm |
Well here I was doing pretty good, concentrating on H and struggling forward. NC for 3 weeks at xmm request. We work for same company but I transfered to another city. So we do have contact through work and of course everyone knows we are so close, we can't just totally avoid each other. We had one conversation last week that left me upset. We ended up talking today and it was so awkward at first and he was kind of rude, I asked him to not disrespect me and I thought it was going so well. We talked about our friendship and how we ruined it. We talked about a lot of things. At the time I think these conversations help me feel better about what happened between us, and I get answers to things that had bothered me. But I bet everyone can guess what we ended up talking about before we hung up.
He is the one pushing NC and I can see it is really the only way. We agreed that we wouldn't talk for an indefinately longer period to enable us to try and get past this in the hope that someday (maybe a year or so) we can work together again. It was so nice to talk to him and I have to admit it dosen't hurt as bad as it did before but I felt so bad when I got off of the phone I hurried and called H, talking to xmm leaves me feeling so dissatisfied. Why do I do it? When will I learn?
He is the one pushing NC and I can see it is really the only way. We agreed that we wouldn't talk for an indefinately longer period to enable us to try and get past this in the hope that someday (maybe a year or so) we can work together again. It was so nice to talk to him and I have to admit it dosen't hurt as bad as it did before but I felt so bad when I got off of the phone I hurried and called H, talking to xmm leaves me feeling so dissatisfied. Why do I do it? When will I learn?

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JS
You talk to XMM becasue your getting SOMETHING from it whatever it is there is a payoff or you would not be doing it.
Learn from this keep future conversations PROFFESIONAL ONLY, you have no personal relationship with this man.
You need to decide for yourself and your marriage that "YOU" want NO CONTACT and are going to keep it for you and you husband not have it imposed on you by XMM.
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I feel this way too and that is why talking to them is no good! And worse is when you do get that oen satsifying conversation and it gets you thinking you can still talk and then the next 5 suck! Not worht it! I totally understand how you feel. As for when we will learn, i think we are works in progress! Dont be too hard on yourself! Keep focused on your H!
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I agree with this totally b/c the same happens to me. I know it's self defeating and I know I will feel pain afterwards, but for the moment the connection feels real again. It's a true addiction, I feed off the pain and this creates emotion. Then the emotion makes me feel closer to him yet its the opposite of closeness that it really acheives. Make any sense?
I know you guys are right and I really can't understand why I am letting this be a struggle for me. I know that he is just saying these things because he wants to still have ic later this month. The most pathetic thing is that I would even consider it, my H still is not interested in sex. My best friend who is the only person I can talk about it tells me I am being selfish and stupid.
Where is my integrity and self respect? It is like I just can't seems to have the resolve to make the decision and stick to it. I am not sure what is stopping me. The only thing I feel is scared and angry with my H. Well now that I have written that it makes a little more sense to me. I have got to stop running away and face the issues in my marriage.
This is the time for me to say "NO MORE"! I really don't want to talk to him though, how about an email telling him no more? I know this is my chance to leave with some dignity and finally take my power back instead of always giving it to him. The definition of insanity, "If you keep doing what you have always done you will keep getting what you have always gotten." Haven't I had enough pain? Is a few hours worth my self respect?....
<< just can't seems to have the resolve to make the decision and stick to it>>
Trust me. I struggle with that everyday. It is so hard to give it even when you know it really needs to be done.
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Again, i ask myslef this everyday. I know I am not helping but i wanted you to know you are not alone. Just say today..just today NC!! Then see about tomotrow. I have to do it in tiny chunks!
The three of us sound very much in the same boat. I have no answers for us but what we know already. I say to myself you know for so many reasons you are better w/o this man but I still cant get everything inside of me on board. I too just want to stop carign or just stop THINKING for just a bit and get free! I was so almost there and I allowed him in again! And I too batlle all day btn never talkign to him again to well maybe!! Ugh! I know it is acceptance that is the defining factor here.
Bad today too!
Ladies
There is really only one solution, DECIDE that your done then IMPOSE AND INFORCE TOTAL NO CONTACT ON YOURSELF AS WELL AS HIM.
Trust me being the dumper is a lot easier then being the dumpee, saying and meaning NO to being his NO cost hooker is the only way leave this with a shred of you dignity left intact.
There is not a whole lot of romance in being a booty call, if you going to be at least have enough self respect to charge for it.
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