two years

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
two years
17
Mon, 04-05-2010 - 9:49am

I met my xAP two years ago today. Honestly, I'm dreading today and I don't know how I'm going to get through it in this heavy funk. I'm feeling so low. So angry, sad, frustrated... Sucks. The state of my M is not helping; it's as stuck as it ever was. I can't turn to my H for support and I am feeling very alone. To top it all off, I believe I might be slipping into alcoholism. I've been hiding in a bottle for weeks now. NOT GOOD. I hate being this f*cked up mess, yet I seem to be stuck and incapable of moving on. Why do I have to be such a screw up?! ARG. I swear, the second I get some money, I'm going into some serious IC. I wish I could do it now. Thank God I at least have you guys for support!! I don't know what I'd do without this board. I'm sorry I've not been reaching out to support others these last few days; I'm feeling useless and like a faker or hypocrite since I'm all self absorbed in my own mess right now. I'm sorry and guilty about that. Depression is a horrid state.

Thanks for letting me spill.
xo
Dee

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
In reply to: deeulta
Mon, 04-05-2010 - 10:39am

Ah, Dee, I hate that you're feeling this way. What an effed up lot we are, though. Up and down until we are completely

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2010
In reply to: deeulta
Mon, 04-05-2010 - 12:25pm

Sorry to hear you are having a rough day - this gloomy weather doesnt help does it?


Try and make a good memory for yourself today - put some pretty flowers on your desk, go out for a mani/pedi at lunch (one of lifes only affordable luxuries in my opinion) or just curl up with a good book and some hot cocoa tonight.


Hang in there - thinking of you!


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
In reply to: deeulta
Mon, 04-05-2010 - 12:34pm

D,


It's so hard to hear you talk this way. I truly feel your pain, we all do. Just know that you will get through this. My T told me I traded one addiction for another, food. I packed on 20 lbs in three months when I ended my A. I have yet to take off the weight. I think you too are trading one addiction for another. Please recognize what you are doing and take care of yourself. Don't let your A cause even more damage. Take control of your life. We are all here for you!

~Stargirl~
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
In reply to: deeulta
Mon, 04-05-2010 - 1:19pm

Deeulta,

He momma. U and I have not spoken in a while. I do not know if you feel the same but I have always felt a certain connection with you. Even when we might not have agreed on things from time to time. I always look forward from post from you to either straighten me the hell out or make me laugh. You are also a fellow tweener...so we been around a while after other have come and go.

You may or not have read my recent post. I been feeling your pain as of late. E-1 told us best that we have to stay and cater to the garden so to speak. Not sure why we are both struggling as of late. Well I know why.... We usually are the posters that get it in. I think you are doing the right thing by coming here. I strayed away for the same reasons you did. And I was a hot mess. But I am back now.

I, like others are sorry to see you in pain. I hope you are not trading in one addiction for another but the fact your noticing that it is a possibility is a step. Most people are in denial if they are. That is the first thing one in your situation needs to overcome, if that is indeed the case. Former MSW, used to deal with people with substance abuse problems on a regular. The standard is that when it starts to disrupt all aspects of your life- you are said to have a problem. I do not know ALL that is going on in your life. But if you think you need to get some type of help in addition to this board, reach out and do so. It certainly can not hurt. You are stronger than you are feeling these days. Me and the rest of the board knows this. And I would like to tell you how to get you out of this funk, but I do not have that answer. I am sorry about your M. I know it would be helpful if you and he had a better relationship. I was in a really physically and mentally abusive marriage. Soon after the A came and knocked me off my feet. Traded in one hell for another. Life throws us blows. Ones so hard we fall. The A is has what has brought me to some light. Crazy and as damaging as it has been, its made me look at my past and do some real self examination. Perhaps your answers like there.

I do hope and pray you feel better. I do think that you can overcome this funk. Do what you already know you need to do and go from there. Whatever you do, ACT soon. I do not want to lose ya. The board and I need ya.

Brasos,

Luvin

Dont let the A take you any further away from being Dee than it already has. I

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
In reply to: deeulta
Mon, 04-05-2010 - 1:50pm

Dee-

I am so sorry to hear you are struggling... it must be something in the spring air, because it seems that many of us are struggling. I urge you to read back through your old posts... not only ones that you initiated, but ones in which you gave support to others. Your words have given me a new perspective about this journey and have given me strength. Perhaps you can remind yourself what you have to live for... and from what you escaped to be on this road to recovery. I wish I were there to hug you. I have been struggling too and what keeps me going, in addition to this board, is the knowledge that time really will ease this pain and heal my heart.

Hang in there, Dee.

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
In reply to: deeulta
Mon, 04-05-2010 - 2:53pm

Dee,


You can choose to sink into that

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
In reply to: deeulta
Mon, 04-05-2010 - 8:05pm

Dee,


Put the drink down, you are better than that. Its only a temporary band aid that cant even begin to cover the gaping open wound. You have come so far and given to so many others, do you even know how many times your words have helped me and numerous others??


Come on here, read, post, respond..whatever you need to do to stay focused and on task. Getting over my A while simultaneously working on my marriage has been the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life. The pain, anger, doubt and fear and all consuming. It has taken its toll on the deepest level..it has ripped apart who I am and was. Where I was once strong willed, I am now doubtful and I could go on. My point is that this isn't easy but please do not try and cover up the pain with another problem. Come here, vent, talk to your H, but please know that you are not alone.


We will all one day, again, hold our head up high and know that we made it though, made it back to the strong person that we once were.


Much love.


GMLB

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2009
In reply to: deeulta
Mon, 04-05-2010 - 9:31pm

dee,
you are not useless or a faker or a hypocrite. no one is strong all of the time. you are an amazing woman who is sad sometimes, frustrated sometimes, angry sometimes---that is the human condition. those emotions are temporary and ever-shifting---they don't define you, dee. we all bear witness to one another's struggles, the victories and the defeats and the truly beautiful thing to me is that we hold each other up. there is no shame in stumbling or falling---only in quitting. don't give up on yourself, dee. we haven't given up on you.
i was going to suggest it, but iddy already beat me to it. if alcohol is becoming a problem in your life, get to AA. it doesn't cost a thing.

lillie

silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, silence is heard. ...
silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, silence is heard. ...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
In reply to: deeulta
Tue, 04-06-2010 - 8:45am

Hope you are feeling better today, Dee. Triggers suck. This month will be full of them for me, but we push through, we find strength in the good things in our lives, and we thank God everyday that we escaped from our situations.

Hugs

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
In reply to: deeulta
Tue, 04-06-2010 - 9:24am

Thank you, everyone for the tough love and support. I'm going to check out AA tomorrow. I have a lot of good friends who are members and I'm going to lean on them for support. I'm also going to talk to my Dr. about my meds.

xo
Dee

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