Two years plus of NC: A progress report

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2011
Two years plus of NC: A progress report
Wed, 11-21-2012 - 11:45am

I haven't posted in almost a  year and don't know if there is anyone here who remembers me. I frequented this forum for several months starting in the spring of 2011. At that time, I had been more than six months of NC but was still hurting. It was two years since I last saw her in August, and two years since last emails in October. The first year was extremely hard. The constant hunger for contact, the wondering what she was doing, all of the things that seem to plague all of us. But just as people said, once the first round of bogus "anniversaries" came and went, it got progressively easier. Each so-called "anniversary" that went by without contact made the ending seem that much more final. But it took work. For example, I had to avoid important work-related conferences where I knew she might be present, so that I would not run into her before I felt ready. I am not sure I am ready for that even now. I have very occasional downs even now, but they are not a big deal. At my last meeting several months ago, my counselor told me not to worry about this, it was just part of being human.

Over time, a curious thing happened. I started feeling so much happier with my own life, grateful for wife, family, work, etc. I enjoy life again. I know I said all that even when we first broke off, but it is another thing to really feel that way. Now it has the feeling of truth to it; in other words, I am not just "saying" that internally to make myself feel better. Another curious thing: I no longer have feelings of resentment or anger toward her. I hope she is happy and the last thing I want to do now is to intrude on her life.

One reason I was reminded about it all and decided to post was reading about the very public goings on of General Petraeus and his crowd. We can all imagine very well what all those involved are going through now. It made me very thankful I got out of it without a D-day (and here's hoping I never have one).

So to all those who are going through agony now: I have felt your pain. But it does get better and you can be happy again. Please stay strong and stay focused on getting OUT of it and recovering. Please do not set yourself back with contacts and fishing attempts - my A was prolonged unnecessarily for almost an extra year because of breaking NC before finally ending it, and that meant an extra year of unnecessary pain for both of us. Looking back, I cannot believe I took such stupid risks with my life. But in the moment we are caught in that web of emotion and deceit and can't think straight. To be able to think straight again, you have to give yourself time to recover. For me that took more than a year with absolutely NO contact, and even then only gradually progressed until two years on I feel fine again.

Stay well and take care over the holidays - a particularly vulnerable time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2011
Wed, 11-21-2012 - 12:56pm

Thank you so much for this, Phoenix. I don't remember your story because I've only been out for (almost) a year, and back when you were suffering through this I was still trapped (or so I thought) in my A and hating myself more by the day. I'm actually really happy to hear that it took you more than a year to really feel "normal" again--even without a D Day, there are so many repercussions of something like this that they continue to crop up just when you least expect them.

The one thing I'm sure of is that those of us who come to this site read the papers these days and say, There but for the grace o' God. And we have a lot more sympathy for people who really, really mess up. Talk about walking a mile in someone else's shoes. There's a Dar Williams song called "The Mercy of the Fallen." That about covers it.

Be well, and thank you for writing to us.


Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Wed, 11-21-2012 - 1:25pm

Thanks for dropping by, Phoenix, and inspiring others with your success story.  Can't get enough of these.  It's difficult some times to believe that things will get better especially when one is in the thick of it; so when a post like this comes along, it reinforces that things will eventually get better...when we work hard to make it so.

Happy Holidays to you and yours,



Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Wed, 11-21-2012 - 7:28pm

Welcome back and Happy Holidays.

I remember you well. Not too many of us guys around who openly admit to having a problem of letting go.

You are walking proof of No Contact and that it works.

Time does heal, and if we quit trying to rush it, it does the healing part for us.

Glad to see you, my best for your continued journey.  It never ends, does it.

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
Wed, 11-21-2012 - 11:10pm
Hi Phoenix, I am glad you are well. I am.coming up on a year NC myself so I take your words to heart. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your good news. RBM is the only man around these days (and we are grateful to have him) now that you and DecadeLost are not posting in. Come back any time, its good to see you. Rain