tyring to cope

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
tyring to cope
2
Sun, 06-20-2004 - 10:50am
Hi. I have been researching all moring how to end an A when you feel so strongly towards that person that not a moment passes where your brain is void of them. Finally I found iVillage and read many of the posts here and feel comfortable enough to ask for support from you all.

I am in a happy relationship not married yet... its been 10 years. About 6 months ago I met the man of dreams at my gym. He looks, smells, talks and treats me like the man of my dreams. Of course he is married unhappily but with a little child. We have each tried to end it for the sake of our other relationships but we keep coming back because we feel like we are made for each other. I have tried to do anything to get him out of my mind and cant. I am not even unhappy at home. I went to see a movie to distract myself but it didn't work. Advice, support anything. If I change gyms my man at home will think somethings up but I can't put my MM out of my head and neither can he. I keep trying to picture a daily life with him and tell myself that he will always be tied to his wife and child, and more then likly after time passed he would end up being just a man with habbits. I know im smarter then all of this but oooh the pain and missing.... its so hard.

I feel so much for the fellow who posted here because his post reads like my MM may post if he was to seek help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Sun, 06-20-2004 - 11:30am
Hi- I feel your pain. A few years ago, I was in your place. A year after my divorce, a good Married friend of mine revealed that he was in love with me, had been for years, according to him. He recited things he remembered about me from past years, encounters or time spent together with our children. Very seductive. So nice to be with someone who adored me, paid attention to me, got me.

I resisted anything other than friendship for months, but the flirtation and romantic content to our conversations and emails drew both of us into a physical relationship. Our choice. INitially he said he would leave his W if we were sure of what we had together. After a year, he told me he was sure of us but that he could NOT leave his children until they were adults. I was crushed but respected his choice and so in love, I hung in.

After 2 more years of sneaking, lying, hiding, etc., I was worn out from it. I no longer wanted him to leave his W. Having an affair is so negative and wrong that it kills love, in my opinion. If you avoid dealing with your real life with an affair, you never grow as a person and your relationship just shrinks instead of blossoming.

You do need to make changes in your life. I believe illicit affairs develop when your need for something grows bigger and more demanding than common sense, morals, self-respect, etc. You need to back off from this man to give yourself and him the time to figure out what that need is. Maybe it truly is each other. If so, with time and distance you can figure that out AND change your life in the ways necessary to achieve being together (or finding someone else or getting a new job or whatever that need is that your either filling or numbing yourself from with the affair). But be together honestly and openly, not sneaking & lying and setting yourself up to hurt other people you care about (your boyfriend, his W and child, your families).

Don't have an affair. Change your life, but do it honestly.

I finally ended my affair over a year ago. It was hard. I missed my best friend so much. But after about 6 mos., I was so happy I ended it. My life is open & honest & I have a good solid blossoming relationship with someone who's available to me. My life is about a thousand times better now. But I had to change it.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
Sun, 06-20-2004 - 12:11pm
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I know you are right.

I need to pray for the strength and then strike while the ion is hot.

I hope your life continues to blossom and bless you.

-all the best!