U can love S & cheat
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U can love S & cheat
| Thu, 01-13-2005 - 11:54am |
I read in another post where a woman does not have any understanding as to how her H could still love her and cheat on her. I know it's awful, but I swear it is possible. I truly belive that everyone's value system is a little different and I don't think that anyone is invulnerable to an A. I used to condemn such a thing, and then, when my emotions and desires got completely out of control, I found myself totally wrapped up in someone besides my H. Funny thing, if my H ever did this to me, I still wouldn't leave him. I'd have to acknowledge that there was something amiss--a reason he felt a desire or need to stray and I'd want to remedy it. On the other hand, I've been granted a second chance in my infidelity, but there won't be another. Now, I know what the cost is and that he is completely intolerant of such a thing and any urges I have I damn well better supress. Do you think any of us will do this again? Is it true, "once a cheater, always a cheater?"

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Hiya Troubled,
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Well, there's been a fairly recent discussion on this. I believe the overall conclusion drawn was that *if* one fails to address the core issues surrounding the poor choices to have an affair, *then* one remains every bit as susceptible to making those same poor choices in the future.
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlending&msg=15141.1&ctx=0
What do you see as the core issues in you that led to making the decision to have an affair, Troubled?
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
Here's my theory--keep in mind, I'm in therapy, and trying to address some "co-dependency" issues, but I belive my desire to stray was due to a culmination of factors:
1. Discord in the marital R; feeling taken for granted, unattractive, slight substance issues (problem drinking of H---no abuse or anything, just a lack of emotional unavailability)
2. Feelings of low self-worth and then, having had babies, got body back, men notice you, started feeling like maybe I wasn't so bad--ended up losing a lot of weight.
3. Simple curiousity--never had sex with anyone other than H, married 10 years, age 33; started wondering what it would be like---plus, I think I've reached a sexual peak which hasn't helped any--my libido has been like it never has been before.
4. Found xOM to be very attractive--sometimes, I think certain people have a "look" or something that draws you to them--he had it and came into my life when I was having a hard time.
All of these factors contributed to me completely losing my mind and just wanting to escape from the daily grind of being there for everyone else. I know that I just have to be rational and not give in. However, sometimes, I don't think any one person can meet your every need and sexual monogamy is for the birds---Society just doesn't look at it that way. Love to hear your thoughts.
Hiya Troubled,
I'm aware that I wanted exOM so I separated from DH in order to explore that possibility further. I didn't care much about anyone elses' thoughts or feelings since it was all about me, what I wanted. I had no respect for exOM's long-term committed relationship since I obviously didn't any respect for myself, my husband or even my own relationship. I wanted, so I took and had little regard let alone consideration for ANYONE elses' wants/needs.
ExOM engendered in me the same emotional distance, the same carrot-dangling withholding/withdrawing of love, the same artful manipulation and the same superiority that I'd felt with my father. The more fiery hoops I had to leap through, the better.
In retrospect, my affair was not exOM specific since anyone who'd displayed the same charmless traits would likely have inspired the same sense of feeling "in love" I felt at the time. It was how I recognised "love," since it had been role modelled by my father (a serial adulterer and medically diagnosed highly functioning rapacious sociopath...) Effectively, my "love-map" had been vandalised and having no other frame of reference for what love is, I spotted something exceedingly familiar and grabbed it with both hands.
It was a chance to re-write familial history so that it had a happy ending wherein I emerged with a sense of self-esteem and proved at long last I was worthy & deserving of both loving and being loved. The fact of the matter is, had 100 men left their wives/partners for me, it would have proven only that 101 of us were willing to bail out of a relationship when the first easy wrong came along.
I've had the benefit of therapy over the last 12mos. For anyone whose life is skewed to the point they are having or are even considering an affair, I'd thoroughly recommend it.
There's an old saying round these boards that an affair = "something unhealthy in me was attracted to something unhealthy in someone else." Work out those somethings, and you have the keys to your void.
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No one person can meet your every need, Troubled. No one should be asked to do so since it's enormously draining on them and they come to resent it before inevitably collapsing under the weight of the burden you placed on their shoulders. You can be happy *because* of someone or happy *alongside* someone - the latter is the healthy option by the way. Read that thread I linked in my earlier post, it's worth it and goes into this in greater detail.
That ache, that feeling of being incomplete, that "void" is yours to fill. You really are the only person on the face of the planet with the keys to identify it, open it and then fill that sucker up. Anybody that offers or promises to fill it for you is as screwed up as you are, of that you can be 100% certain.
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Speak for yourself, cuz I likes what I gots at home... ;)
Seriously, why not separate? Free each other up to explore other options? You may find you have a far better deal than you'd imagined, or, of course, you (plural) may find you're better off as friends. Worked for DH & I, of course, it took us 4yrs+ to work out what we really wanted was each other, but, hey, we're there now.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
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Both these points hit home with me. I love my hubby more than anything. He and I have a fantastic life - sexually and otherwise. I do not want to ever divorce him. However, isn't variety the spice of life? I often compare being married to eating pizza for dinner every night. I love pizza, but I don't want to eat it every single night. Sometimes a person just craves a little steak or shrimp - anything different. Of course, I didn't realize this until after I married, had children and obtained a lifetime menu subscription to Pizza Hut.
I know these are very simple-minded thoughts, but, hey, I'm a simple-minded girl.
Posie, my post is meant to entertain. I do take my marriage and my commitment to my children very seriously. No reply necessary.
fresh
Hiya fresh,
<<< However, isn't variety the spice of life? I often compare being married to eating pizza for dinner every night. I love pizza, but I don't want to eat it every single night. Sometimes a person just craves a little steak or shrimp - anything different. Of course, I didn't realize this until after I married, had children and obtained a lifetime menu subscription to Pizza Hut.>>>
My Gran used to say "If you're bored, you are boring." I guess if *you* are cooking up pizza every night, it stands to reason that neither of you are going to be feasting on prime cuts of beef with ocean fresh shellfish. You have the basic meat, it's in how YOU spice it up that makes it zesty & exciting.
Don't take my word for it, here's what Shirley Glass has to say on the topic:-
"HM: Do affairs ever serve a positive function--not to excuse any of the damage they do?
SG: Affairs are often a chance for people to try out new behaviors, to dress in a different costume, to stretch and grow and assume a different role. In a long-term relationship, we often get frozen in our roles. When young couples begin at one level of success and go on to many achievements, the new person sees them as they've become, while the old person sees them as they were.
The unfortunate thing is that the way a person is different in the affair would, if incorporated into the marriage, probably make their spouse ecstatic. But they believe they're stuck; they don't know how to create opportunity for change within the marriage. A woman who was sexually inhibited in marriage--perhaps she married young and had no prior partners--may find her sexuality in an affair, but her husband would probably be thrilled to encounter that new self.
HM: How do you handle this?
SG: After an affair, I do not ask the question you would expect. The spouse always wants to know about "him" or "her": "What did you see in her that you didn't see in me?" Or, "What did you like about him better?" I always ask about "you": "What did you like about yourself in that other relationship?" "How were you different?" and "Of the way that you were in that other relationship, what would you like to bring back so that you can be the person you want to be in your primary relationship? .... How can we foster that part of you in this relationship?"
HM: That's a surprise. How did you come to know that's the question to ask?
SG: There is an attraction in the affair, and I try to understand what it is. Part of it is the romantic projection: I like the way I look when I see myself in the other person's eyes. There is positive mirroring. An affair holds up a vanity mirror, the kind with all the little bulbs around it; it gives a rosy glow to the way you see yourself. By contrast, the marriage offers a makeup mirror; it magnifies every little flaw. When someone loves you despite seeing all your flaws, that is a reality-based love.
In the stories of what happened during the affair, people seem to take on a different persona, and one of the things they liked best about being in that relationship was the person they had become. The man who wasn't sensitive or expressive is now in a relationship where he is expressing his feelings and is supportive.
HM: Can those things be duplicated in the marriage?
SG: That's one of the goals--not to turn the betrayed spouse into the affair partner, but to free the unfaithful spouse to express all the parts of himself he was able to experience in the affair.
I see a lot of men who are married to very competent women and having affairs with very weak women. They feel: "This person needs me." They put on their red cape and do a lot of rescuing. They feel very good about themselves. That makes me sad, because I know that even though their partner may be extremely competent, she wants to be stroked too. She wants a knight in shining armor. Perhaps she hasn't known how to ask.
HM: Do people push partners into affairs?
SG: No. People can create a pattern in the marriage that is not enhancing, and the partner, instead of dealing with the dissatisfaction and trying to work on the relationship, escapes it and goes someplace else." http://cms.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-19980701-000026.html
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Man, you talk about sex (one of my fave topics) and then tell me I don't need to reply?! LOL
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
How did you go about purposing a short separation with your DH? You two would have to have an extremely intimate and open-minded relationship to begin with. I have thought about asking for a temporary and controlled separation, where I can explore myself and find out who I am, without the interference of being enmeshed with my H. Also, a lot of what this was about was me feeling as if I "lost" myself. For instance, pot has always been a big part of my H's life. I started feeling like it was taking me down and I was becoming someone I really wasn't, b/c I was engaging in it too much. Alcohol and pot have been sources of strife through our marriage and I think I finally became so fed up, I tried to take an emotional vacation. There's more to it than this, but H is changing, trying to be good. Hopefully, I can learn to quit blaming him for my unhappiness and just find peace in myself. So many things you say are so true and well put.
Edited 1/13/2005 7:37 pm ET ET by troubledat33
Trouble,
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This is a very real case. I love my H very much and still cheated on him. My xom use to question how I could possibly be in love w/ 2 men at the same time...in fact, it was one of the reasons he broke up with me.
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I am in T now to prevent this situation from ever occuring again! :-)
Diva
I'm in therapy too, and it doesn't seem to be doing any good. She puts me too much on a pedestal and there's too much blame to my H, who she doesn't even know. I do love my H as well, but I think I'm definitely some sort of relationship addict. I belive you can love a person a still do some really crazy things that in your mind, at the time, have absolutely nothing to do with your SO--I was in a different world when I was with the OM. Just a thought
Trouble,
Have you thought about finding a new T? Sometimes the first one isn't always the best. The first T I went to tried to tell me that I cheated on my H because of sex. She said I need to spice up my sex life and then I would forget about xOM. WRONG!! There is nothing wrong w/my sex life w/ H - my A was not based on sex.
Anyway, I took a friend's advice and sought out another T and am so glad I did!! Just a thought!
Diva
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