U can love S & cheat
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U can love S & cheat
| Thu, 01-13-2005 - 11:54am |
I read in another post where a woman does not have any understanding as to how her H could still love her and cheat on her. I know it's awful, but I swear it is possible. I truly belive that everyone's value system is a little different and I don't think that anyone is invulnerable to an A. I used to condemn such a thing, and then, when my emotions and desires got completely out of control, I found myself totally wrapped up in someone besides my H. Funny thing, if my H ever did this to me, I still wouldn't leave him. I'd have to acknowledge that there was something amiss--a reason he felt a desire or need to stray and I'd want to remedy it. On the other hand, I've been granted a second chance in my infidelity, but there won't be another. Now, I know what the cost is and that he is completely intolerant of such a thing and any urges I have I damn well better supress. Do you think any of us will do this again? Is it true, "once a cheater, always a cheater?"

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Trouble,
I think I've had this sense before that you and I are almost the same person.
For your #1-4, I'm with you on #2-4, completely. Could have written them myself. #1 - total opposite though. My husband is awesome. Candidate for husband of the year.
Now, onto your other comments:
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How exactly is this losing your mind? Being bored (i.e., the daily grind) absolutely sucks, in my opinion. A fate worse than hell. Someone comes along that makes you not bored anymore and you find that attractive - how the heck is that losing your mind?
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Of course not. Here, here.
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And not all societies do. I just posted on the AS board reminding people that there are several cultures elsewhere where infidelity falls into the 'don't ask, don't tell' category. I know some women who live in these countries where infidelity is much more acceptable. While they don't have details, they completely expect that their husbands have been unfaithful. They almost see it as a compliment that other women would find their husband's attractive! It is absolutely not a cause of shame for them,and they themselves have also dallied a bit. However, they also expect that their husbands come home to them every night and when push comes to shove, the 'wives' are the queens.
I'm going to get blasted for this one.
1T
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Yep. I can almost guarantee Posie is gonna come at ya with both barrells loaded. Get your shield ready and be on the lookout.
fresh
Happy Friday! I dug your post! My question to you or anyone is what is the AS board and how in the world do you get there? I feel like it is some hidden secret special place that is off limits to me somehow. Please HELP! Curiousity is killing this little kitty cat!
~nuttmeg
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You're right, it's not losing your mind. Sometimes I wonder if I'm not just reaching for this "codependency identity" in order to have something to blame my lusty desires on. You know, the feelings of newness are absolutely intoxicating--wondering what was going to happen when I saw him, wondering what he would say, the build-up of nervousness and excitement while driving over to his house. Completely exhilarating---just thinking about it makes me want to throw him a line, see if he would respond--I won't though--not today, anyway. Do you think some of us are just more prone to giving into our drives and sexualality than others? Is that why there is so much condemnation associated with those who choose to seek something else outside their marriage. Is it all really just a matter of being a good little wifey for the rest of your life? I'm sure Posie is going to think, boy, that poor girl has a lot of work to do---and boy, will she be right!!!
Your comments about how other cultures view monogamy is quite interesting as well. I saw on The Learning Channel how we are wired to want to procreate and monogamy really isn't natural or realistic. It's what we have been taught and expected to do. What is really crazy in all of this talk of monogamy--I swear I could handle my H's infidelity and choice to sleep with another. However, wouldn't want to know about and I wouldn't think too much about it and like you said, I better damn well be the queen at home! Let me ask you this biggy question----were you completely guilty while engaging in the A--if your H didn't know? I swear, and this is so awful but true to say---I had absolutely no guilt about my indiscretions until AFTER I got caught! What does that say about me and my value system? I'm just being honest---this is the only place in the world I can be!
It is the "Affair Support" board and it's under the Relationships message board section on Ivillage. That's where I started out. I'm glad I've ended up over here---it's pretty much turmoil page and I think after the "thrill is gone"---we end up on this board, LoL--or I guess it's possible to move back and forth between the two--there is also "Not Exactly Faithful" board on Women.com , which is part of ivillage, as well. Wow, isn't reassuring to know there are so many women dealing with the same crap!
Trouble
I'm just catching up on this thread and saw something here that sparked me.
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I also never had guilty feelings when I was with xMM. He, on the other hand, would be sick with guilt. I had a very emotional relationship with him that lead to one of the most intense sexual relationships I've ever had.
I always felt that I belonged with him, and he with me. Why be guilty? It was fate right? This kinda thing surely didn't happen every day!
It wasn't until I found this board that the "soul mate" feeling is all part of the overlying allure of the affair.
But like you, I always thought I had misplaced my values or something. Funny how that little A can just suck you right up and the old you may never be the same!
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Nah, I'm not a blaster. I disagree based on experience of living over 20yrs in Europe (primarily UK but also France, Italy, Germany & Switzerland).
Our iVillage and equivalent message boards are just as full of posters on the Betrayed Spouse and My Affair type boards and the pain emanating from those boards is just as great as that which emanates from the US boards.
From the sheer number of posters to these type boards here in Europe, it would certainly appear that infidelity doesn't hurt any less simply because it might be expected at some point by one's spouse.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
Here's a link to All Sides. It actually falls under the Redbook magazine forums section of iVillage, so it's not immediately obvious - I needed a link. Here's one for you:- http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rbmyaffair/
There was a recent poll which revealed there are slightly more OW/exOW/WS/exWS than there are BS/exBS currently posting to the All Sides board. I wasn't actually surprised to discover this. So try not to believe or be put off by the hype about AS board being some kind of shark-pit manned by rabid BSes our for OW blood rofl.
I'd caution you only that it's not a support board, it's a debate board, and while support is often given, it's often the full-on, in-yer-face frank-exchange of information type of support rather than the cyber-kissy-huggy type. It's personal preference and I'm the sort who will take the "yer arse looks huge in that Posie" over "Wow Posie you look great in anything" type support every single time.
Understand that people/posters are seldom if ever under attack, but ideas are often challenged and if it's put it out there you should expect to be able to back up your reasoning with logic. Those who feel defensive there often fail to understand this crucial point.
For the faint of heart, it might be worthwhile to simply try lurking a wee while to get a feel for the board. I can say freely that there was a time I would not have been able to hear/read some of the discussions, many would have sailed over my head while others I would have thrown up a defensive arm to cover my head.
Despite some initial occasional discomfort, I'm genuinely glad I stuck with it and am deeply grateful to the women and men on that board for helping me come to some stark realisations about myself.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
I don't know what the others said -- I haven't read the posts -- but, no, I don't believe that once you cheat, you always cheat. I think there's always the chance that ANY married man or woman will cheat on their spouse. But I think that once, especially when caught, is enough if the innocent spouse is loved.
And I do believe with all my heart that most men love the wives they cheat on. I think, especially if the marriage has been going on for a while and there are children that they love their wives very much. I think that they sometimes really love us also -- but I'm sure everyone has noticed: VERY few cheaters leave their spouses for the OM/OW.
I always knew my MM loved his wife, and, in a way, I was glad. At least he had SOME heart. One day I said to him, "I know you love your wife," and he answered, "I do. But I love you also." Just one those quiet, moment-of-truth conversations between two best friends.
Love isn't exclusive. We all can love more than one person at the same time. MARRIAGE is exclusive. We can't be married to more than one person at the same time. At least not in this country.
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