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UGH
| Sun, 06-05-2005 - 4:54pm |
I am 22 years old and I have been with my boyfriend since we were 17. We were friends first and then we fell in love. We did all the firsts together. I started to feel trapped last year. Afraid of the fact that I loved him sooooooo much, that he was my world and that I did need him for many things. I've always suffered from low self esteem and was feeling very undesirable. That no one, other than my BF would ever find me attractive. A friend from my home town showed interest in me. I was flattered and purposely flirted and teased. I felt I had control over him and I enjoyed that. He told me lies of love and I eventually I feelings for this "fake" person. I say fake because he was not what I believed him to be. While feeling completely dependant on my BF, the whole situation was horribly confusing. I eventually asked my BF for a break, he agreed. I spent time alone and with the OM. I wanted to feel like I was dependant on my loving BF, which in turn would give me a feeling of control over my own life. I was making decisions without his input. The actual sex was completely fake. I was acting, nothing was real. I did it because I wanted to prove to myself that I could infact get someone to be in love with me. I didn't want his love, I just wanted proof that I was capable and that it wasn't a fluke that my BF fell in love with me. So I did things that would usually involve feelings, but there were no real ones within me towards the OM. I did sexual things while being completely emotionally disconnected. I never once felt like I was making love to him, I wasn't. Besides that, the sex was not enjoyable, except for the fact that I enjoyed controlling him. I was using my body. What did I recieve from this? I felt impowered...all though in a very sick way. I never once climaxed with him or felt that I was "making love" to him. I played with him like a puppet. After each event I felt sick and felt like crying, it was as if my mind finally reconnected with my body and realised what my body had done. I hated myself. There were 4 acts of sex and 2 where he tried and I couldn't, I left.
