i once said to my xap that i wished for his happiness even if i were never again to be a part of it. i still feel that that is a selfless and noble sentiment----even if the ba$t@rds don't deserve it. thinking of you girls today.
lillie
silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, silence is heard. ...
Dignity, Yep. That statement, "the most loving thing I can do today...." is exactly what I told myself (and still do) when I'm feeling any warm fuzzies for xAP. Then, I'd add on the end.... "but, really, this is all about ME, G-D it! and I love ME more than anyone else on the planet (quite frankly)" HA.
You are doing a great job and should be very proud of yourself. Little note of caution: don't let yourself ruminate too long on warm fuzzies for X. Try to distract or redirect yourself in a more positive way, because melancholy reminiscing is very dangerous, causes new hurts, and is like a form of self-torture -- and you have much better things to do!! Right?
I'm not nearly as far along on NC as you are, and this may have something to do with the way 'the end' started and then progressed. It was sudden, from xMM, and in those first few hours and days I got through because I was really hurt - not angry, but it stung enough that I didn't want to throw myself into the line of fire again. But, I wasn't 'out' enough to block and walk (as in, still had that old email account. Well, until yesterday anyway), so he reached out to 'say what he should have said', so that dragged out for another week and could have given Whitney Huston a run for her $ with the 'I will always love you' talk. Ugh. I think someone said it in another post - that's a little bit more difficult to get past. And, thank you Dee - because you're right! Melancholy reminiscing does no one any favours, and I know I'm guilty of it from time to time. So, I understand that when that spark of anger or deep-hurt is gone and the 'warm-fuzzies' come back, it can be hard to move forward and it's so tempting to break NC, I know I did it back towards the start...and it just put me right back where I was, to start over. So, take it from me - I don't know how to tell you to get past it, but one thing I think of is 'yes, I hurt right now. I miss X, the feelings felt real...but, this isn't the only time I've known pain. I had pain, this this and this time during the A and X couldn't/didn't help me through it then, and X won't help me through it now. He cannot be the source and solution to my pain/hurt'. The only thing we have is ourselves, and to love ourselves and move forward. It's a tough spot to be in, that space where you don't want the A but haven't quite gotten to the part where you don't want the person. So, what would contact do? Either you get nothing (ouch) you get something that is 'cold' (double ouch) or you get the 'I miss you too/love you too'...but then what? You don't want to be back in the A, and neither of you are in a place where you can be 'legit'. So...I hope my rambling made sense :p I know it helped me a bit, because I'm in the throes of picking myself up after making some hard decisions, and because I have yet to find that 'anger' (though, yes, I do have some for myself!) and spark to help me move forward, it's been tough. Hang in there though! Soon you'll be past today and you'll be glad that you didn't reach out! ((hugs!))
---- 'It may be that when we no longer know what to do, We have come to our real work, And that when we no longer know which way to go, We have begun our real journey' - Wendell Berry
They can't be the problem AND the solution, Xap and I used to say this to each other all of the time. Thanks for reminding me of that very helpful mantra!
Wow. Now this is a post I need to mark and remember. Dignity- you have such insight. I love what you have said here. I am on Day 2 NC, and no doubt I will need to come back here and re-read what you've said.
I love how you put it- the kindest thing I can do is to leave him alone. I kept telling him I cared about him. Now is the time for me to prove that by doing what he has asked, but also doing it for myself. Let him be and let him heal. Let him be and let me heal.
wow. thank you.
Good job on coming here and posting, and good job on acknowledging those gushy feelings and not acting on them. I know where you are, and it is not easy, but you did it!
wc- i love your posts :) I can relate to everything you've said here.
It's that weird spot, where you know you do really want it to be over, and you know it- but it's hard some days to let the person go, because they filled an empty spot in your life. So you have to find new ways to fill up that empty spot, and it's not easy.
I can relate so well when you talk about being tempted to reaching out again, but then what?? It's a no win situation. Even if he does respond like I'm hoping- there's still no where to go with that. It's still a dead end. And all that will bring is more pain. Wc, you are doing great :) I just wanted to say that. :)
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NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
i once said to my xap that i wished for his happiness even if i were never again to be a part of it. i still feel that that is a selfless and noble sentiment----even if the ba$t@rds don't deserve it. thinking of you girls today.
lillie
Dignity,
Yep. That statement, "the most loving thing I can do today...." is exactly what I told myself (and still do) when I'm feeling any warm fuzzies for xAP. Then, I'd add on the end.... "but, really, this is all about ME, G-D it! and I love ME more than anyone else on the planet (quite frankly)"
HA.
You are doing a great job and should be very proud of yourself. Little note of caution: don't let yourself ruminate too long on warm fuzzies for X. Try to distract or redirect yourself in a more positive way, because melancholy reminiscing is very dangerous, causes new hurts, and is like a form of self-torture -- and you have much better things to do!! Right?
Love your posts!
Dee
Here's some hugs for you! ((hugs))
I'm not nearly as far along on NC as you are, and this may have something to do with the way 'the end' started and then progressed. It was sudden, from xMM, and in those first few hours and days I got through because I was really hurt - not angry, but it stung enough that I didn't want to throw myself into the line of fire again. But, I wasn't 'out' enough to block and walk (as in, still had that old email account. Well, until yesterday anyway), so he reached out to 'say what he should have said', so that dragged out for another week and could have given Whitney Huston a run for her $ with the 'I will always love you' talk. Ugh. I think someone said it in another post - that's a little bit more difficult to get past. And, thank you Dee - because you're right! Melancholy reminiscing does no one any favours, and I know I'm guilty of it from time to time. So, I understand that when that spark of anger or deep-hurt is gone and the 'warm-fuzzies' come back, it can be hard to move forward and it's so tempting to break NC, I know I did it back towards the start...and it just put me right back where I was, to start over. So, take it from me - I don't know how to tell you to get past it, but one thing I think of is 'yes, I hurt right now. I miss X, the feelings felt real...but, this isn't the only time I've known pain. I had pain, this this and this time during the A and X couldn't/didn't help me through it then, and X won't help me through it now. He cannot be the source and solution to my pain/hurt'. The only thing we have is ourselves, and to love ourselves and move forward. It's a tough spot to be in, that space where you don't want the A but haven't quite gotten to the part where you don't want the person. So, what would contact do? Either you get nothing (ouch) you get something that is 'cold' (double ouch) or you get the 'I miss you too/love you too'...but then what? You don't want to be back in the A, and neither of you are in a place where you can be 'legit'. So...I hope my rambling made sense :p I know it helped me a bit, because I'm in the throes of picking myself up after making some hard decisions, and because I have yet to find that 'anger' (though, yes, I do have some for myself!) and spark to help me move forward, it's been tough.
Hang in there though! Soon you'll be past today and you'll be glad that you didn't reach out!
((hugs!))
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Hi, dignity~
Wow. Now this is a post I need to mark and remember. Dignity- you have such insight. I love what you have said here. I am on Day 2 NC, and no doubt I will need to come back here and re-read what you've said.
I love how you put it- the kindest thing I can do is to leave him alone. I kept telling him I cared about him. Now is the time for me to prove that by doing what he has asked, but also doing it for myself. Let him be and let him heal. Let him be and let me heal.
wow. thank you.
Good job on coming here and posting, and good job on acknowledging those gushy feelings and not acting on them. I know where you are, and it is not easy, but you did it!
wc- i love your posts :) I can relate to everything you've said here.
It's that weird spot, where you know you do really want it to be over, and you know it- but it's hard some days to let the person go, because they filled an empty spot in your life. So you have to find new ways to fill up that empty spot, and it's not easy.
I can relate so well when you talk about being tempted to reaching out again, but then what?? It's a no win situation. Even if he does respond like I'm hoping- there's still no where to go with that. It's still a dead end. And all that will bring is more pain. Wc, you are doing great :) I just wanted to say that. :)
rena, i'm on day 2 as well. Maybe we can be NC buddies? I would love to have someone to take each day with.
Hazel.
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