Ultimatum or NC what works?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Ultimatum or NC what works?
18
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 7:44am
Ok, simple question. Does an ultimatum work? 30 days with C to give her the papers( he has them already) or NC. Or am I really just playing into the MM game still. I can't seem to walk away! Help!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 7:32pm
CL-first let me tell you that you did not make me cry. What you said hit home. I really do appreciate it.

WOW you really told me. I did mean to say that I want to change my life. That is what I meant when I told H it was over. We are still S but we are working at a mature exit for all our good. We are trying very hard to get along for the kids. Everyone is aware of our situation and the kids are ok. Whatever that means. As for MM, you are sooooo right. About W, about everything. I am printing your post so that I have the strength tomorrow to tell him. What really gets me is that I seem like such a weak and stupid individual allowing this to continue. It really blows my mind.

Thank you again for your support. I hope someone was there for you when you were going through all of this. Hugs.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 12:02pm
Hi Luvr, I read the many posts you received over the weekend, and while I also truly do agree with them I have to tell you making those choice and following through are two completely different ball games. All I want to say to you is do not be totally down on yourself when your not successful. As I know I was totally ashamed to post my failure on here for fear of what those would say, but trust me they are only speaking from there own experience and mean well. I think the point I truly signon to make was this, "Anyone can tell you what you should do for yourself, and why you should do it, but only you know all of the details of your relationship (how and why it started, what the two of you share)and only you are going to know when you've finally have had enough." Like I told you before, I'm not one who has been able to walk away just yet, this is because I love him so and truly believe that he loves me. My biggest fear, and I've told him this is that I'm afraid that by the time I've finally had enough and I'm able to walk away without jumping back and forth that our relationship will have sustained so much damage from his indecisiveness that it will be beyond repair regardless what he chooses to do at that time. He knows that this has been the case with me in the past, as for years I told my xH of problems in our marriage and he did nothing to try to heal them and although it did take many years I finally had my fill and called him at work one day and told him that I was moving out and never have looked back. That was 9 yrs ago and he is still trying to get me back, but I can't help that he had destoryed what I once felt for him. Enough saga from me now, just remember that no two peoples experiences are the same regardless of how much they may seem like it, you have to do what is right for you, and only you know what that is and when you'll be able to be successful in obtaining it for yourself, and it has nothing to do with being desperate or needy, it has everything to do with how you feel. I'm here if you need to talk. Debbie
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 9:45am
Thank you DEK for your kindess and support. Yesterday was not the day to drop the bomb. I have to feel it, you are right. I was ashamed to post this morning of my failure to follow through(until I read your post)it was not the time, due to lack of time. We saw each other for a brief moment. I did not even get to steal a kiss. Like you said, I know he loves me. There is no question in my mind. I know he would be a happier man. He knows he would be a happier man. We don't want NC, but I know that I don't want this either. I am not ready to let go. I don't consider that weak. I love him. But, I guess that is everyone's story which is what brings us all together.

He called last night and asked to see me tomorrow. I sort of put him off all week. I am still really upset that he went on the trip with W and son after all that we have discussed and been through. He felt obligated to go for his son he said. OK, I put my son first, but, I don't pretend to the world that I am a functioning married person. It really hurt me. I guess I should start with that and then the rest will flow, right? I know I deserve to have a full relationship and I will tell him this week when the time is right. I just am not sure how people go through NC. But, I guess I am going to learn.

:O(
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 6:13pm
I never gave xMM an ultimatum, but broke up with him several times over the course of the last year. Part of me thought that if I broke up with him, he'd realize that he couldn't live without me and decide to divorce his wife to be with me. We went back and forth quite a few times. The first time, he cried for days and was devastated. Each time, however, I found that his reaction was less emotional and, looking back, I was really driving a wedge between us. I really wish I'd said, "I love you and really want to be with you but this relationship is too painful for me right now" and ended it and then stuck with it. First of all, I was being manipulative and that's not the way to win someone's heart. Second, even though he's going through a divorce right now, I wonder sometimes if we have "ruined" the relationship because of all the emotional pain we've given each other. The feelings we once had for each other just aren't there any more. I still really enjoy him, but it's just not as strong. Also, we now have bad memories of something that was once a very positive, supportive relationship. (The other side of this argument is that eventually the fights got so ugly that both of us finally had the strength and motivation to end the affair.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 6:40pm
>>If he can't get off the fence, then I win and I would be able to move on or he does get off the fence and we are able to work things out.<<

For me, I had to try to get to the point that I KNEW it was over and work on making my life work. If you are ending it and still thinking about what he's doing and hoping that he'll choose to be with you, I don't think it'll work. You'll just be in limbo, waiting and hoping for him to miss you enough to decide to be with you. Please try to take care of YOU. Try to fill you life back up with things that don't involve him. Trust me I know how hard this is, but my xMM is working on his divorce and if I was as wrapped up in him as I used to be, I would be going NUTS!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 7:39pm


noregretsever,

Words can't express the thanks in hearing your words from message #13271.9. That was the place I was in last Friday. Aside from the rollar coaster of getting my D from my H, I finally realized that I'm NOT second-best. I deserve more and I deserve better. I have been holding on to my MM as well as my H for not only love, but for validation and security and for the first time in my life I have realized that true security comes from within myself. I am not saying how terrified I am at learning to finally stand on my own two feet, but although the pain I am feeling now isn't intense, it is also accompanied with relief (at times it seems real dim though). That's exactly what I told my MM.

I don't know if he is going to move off the fence, part of me does keep some hope, but in the end I know what I did was the best thing I could of done to show that I love myself. Loving myself fully has been one of the hardest lessons I am learning.

MidnightBlue

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 9:37pm
Dear luvr, I'm so very glad to know that reading my words helped you, as I sure have been there. I read startinganew's posts #15 and that is exactly what I am talking about how giving ultimadums before your ready to follow through can slowly destroy a great relationship. I know that I'm not the best person to be giving advice on this topic as I still haven't been successful in putting an end to what I ultimately know will have to come to an end before we will ever have a chance of a future together. But, like I said when I've had enough I will know, and then there will be no bouncing back and forth. Just remember one thing, no one but you knows what's best for you and when. As long as your continuing to keep the lines of communication open with your MM about how things make you feel, when the day comes and you need to walk away, you'll know you did everything you could've to try to work things out, and only he can be blamed then for the fall out, if things come to that, I hope that they don't for your sake. Your in my thoughts, Debbie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 11:37pm

Congratulations on your lesson learned........


I think you'll find it's a great world out there......


and you really are worth all the love you give yourself.


cl-nre

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