Unanswered prayers
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Unanswered prayers
| Sun, 05-23-2010 - 8:57am |
Good morning to all of you.
I'm sure that many of you are familiar with the song Unanswered Prayers and something dawned on me late last night that I wanted to put out here.
So much of my time lately has been spent trying to figure out why XMM stayed in his M when he so often described it as lonely and dysfunctional. He told me how much he enjoyed the qualities that I have and how my own H had no clue as to how lucky he was to have the M that we have. XMM said that despite how much he and his W had grown apart and no longer had respect for one another, he still had an obligation to his kids and even after a Dday, XMM decided to stay. I just cant wrap my mind around why he would stay, why he wouldnt leave her for me

Dear GMLB,
What a beautiful post - and I couldn't agree more. I never prayed that my xAP would leave for me, but I did pray for the pain to end. I just didn't realize that all I had to do was make a decision to stop hurting myself! Unanswered prayers allow us to reflect on why they weren't answered, and to ask ourselves if we are really praying the right prayers.
Your post shows such profound insight and clarity. I am so grateful that you are part of this community and that you so generously share yourself with us so that we can learn from you. I think arriving at the awareness that even though our xAP's marriage may end, we will not be with them ... because we would NEVER choose to be with them (nor they us) is so powerful and I believe, such a vital part of the healing process.
Thanks again GMLB (-:
((Hugs))
TU.
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
GMLB,
God knows what is best for us.
Wow GMLB-
I think I literally could have written your post. So many times I see stories here that I relate to on some level, but yours is so parallel to mine. My xap also made his M out to be so terrible- abusive, sexless, etc. And I too made mine out to be worse than it really was. I pushed my H away so that I could be available for xap and I convinced myself that my M was over. When things came to a head with my A and I realized that I was keeping myself in an endless cycle of pain, I ended my A and a little of the fog lifted immediately. There stood my H after 3 DDays, loving me in spite of myself. He was giving me all that
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Praying the right prayers.... man, too f'd up we were in the A to know how to do that.
you're still very raw, but it seems like you're really getting revved up to move ahead. Keep in mind that the fog rolls in in waves, so grasp on to those moments of clarity (like this one) and don't let go.
Reading your post made me sick to my stomach remembering that I, too, was so fogged out and desperate that I actually considered giving up on my H and M so that I could get the sort of fix the A was giving me. Even if not with xAP, with _someone_. Those fixes are hateful life destroyers. Lies, fake, unrealistic and distorted as all get out. Thanks be to God he didn't let me have what I thought I wanted. So so so grateful for that.
Love and strength to you today, GMLB! You're living up to your moniker.
xoxo
Dee
Thanks Dee!!! Its obscene who I became during my A and I NEVER want to be that person again.
Now to address the whole "prayer" thing....We all have our own individual journeys and the anguish that I have faced head on since last October has been my penance. I have posted before about my tunnel vision and that I couldnt see anything else but my A and XMM for the whole 16 months. I have to deal with how I pushed away my H, ignored my children and it sickens me that I allowed all of it to happen. From this point on however, I can only make a promise to myself and God that I will never do this again.
The A fog changes who we are and we come out of that fog
It IS an addiction that is no different than being hooked on street drugs or pain meds. I ignored so much to get my fix. I risked everything that was important to me to get that high. I lowered myself and this post was meant to compare my frame of mind then to my peace of mind now.
This is so true. I remember when I left my son at band practice and he had to hitch a ride home with a total stranger just to get my fix. My sons mean everything to me but I remember being so fogged out daydreaming and obsessing over xom while my sons fought for my attention. Never again.
I wonder if we over compensate because we know that it isn't real but a fantasy and we want to psych ourselves out trying to make it real (IDK?)
I became another person!! I didnt see it then but I do now!! I too left my son alone, in a hospital, to get my fix. Ill never forgive myself for that but Ill live the rest of my life making sure I never do it again.
Thanks for showing your support and making me feel like Im not alone. We will walk arm and arm as we navigate through the post A unchartered waters.
GMLB