Unbearable pain

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Unbearable pain
Wed, 09-19-2012 - 5:37pm
After a year we officially ended it. We kept coming back to it but my xap is going to be having his first child and I can't bear it anymore. The pain is so bad and I have to hide it. I fell is love hard but he always held back thinking this baby is going to be the cure for his M. I can't stop crying. I can't stop feeling useless. Why does this happen? What is the point of all this if it ends in pain? My xap was my best friend and now I have lost both from my life. I have a wonderful H and a child of my own but right now I want Xap back. How can I turn this into a positive. I really need advice right now.


Avatar for happyasme
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
In reply to:
Thu, 09-20-2012 - 8:08pm
Hugs (((Cthelight)))

You have been given great advice already, I had post-its dotted around my workspace with affirmations and short phrases to keep me from contacting or keep me focused on what's important. Keep family pictures and your children's artwork close by at work.

In the beginning you just need to get through the day, the hour, the minutes. There will be time later on to dig deep and figure out what made you choose the A path.

The painful feelings are intense and horrid. They are very real, but more importantly the do not hold any truths. The intensity of the pain Intense is not a sign of love or that you are soulmates. It is nothing more than a withdrawal symptom and will subside with time and you will not have to re-live these moments again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Thu, 09-20-2012 - 5:15pm

There's nothing to be gained by checking your email every hour or by parking in the spot, except wasted time and energy...because the affair is over.  This is something you must accept.  Each and every time you take these sorts of actions, you are setting yourself up to be hurt again.

I hope you do some reading while you are here so you can arrive at your own conclusion and *really* see the light...that what you were doing was just plain wrong, that you need to do a lot of work on yourself to figure out why you thought it okay to step out on your marriage, your husband, your child, how you can work on better coping skills to deal with real life, what you can you do to start living the honest life with integrity...and rebuild your relationship with yourself, your husband, your child.   



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Thu, 09-20-2012 - 4:45pm
Hi CTL, And then you came here! You are grieving, and somehow we think revisiting the last place or possible point of contact will make us feel better, but it won't. If he emailed, or if he showed up, you would have a little bit of novacaine, but like any short-term anesthetic it wears off, and you are left to deal with the pain of ending all over again.
So how long has it been? In the early days it feels good to count even just hours, and then after a few rocky days and nights you start to close in on a week and you will be amazed that you got there
Come here when you need to,instead of checking your email or waiting for the driveby. As has been suggested, do some different things to take up the time, walks, reading, whatever you need to to get out of the routine. I know you can do it.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
In reply to:
Thu, 09-20-2012 - 12:38pm

"The pain is so bad and I have to hide it."

This is the great truth of extra-maritial affairs that no one talks about and no one admits is the reality.

Remember this pain. Remember what it feels like to have to hide your grief and not be able to seek comfort publicly from ANYone you can't trust with your secret. And remember this is why you don't get involved with a married man. Ever. Period.

And remember, a married man who tempts another woman is only looking out for No. 1. Overwhelmingly they are simply seeking sexual variety not a lifelong partner (they have one). And if you are willing to be their fool they'll let you.

Learn how to make friends with others, especially other women. Make friends with other couples and keep those friendships on a couple basis unless you hit it off with the wife. Never ever put yourself in a position of being tempted again or alone again with another woman's husband. Remember how it feels now so you don't put your hand back in the fire and get burned again.

Making friends takes effort. I'd encourage you to get individual counseling to cope with your current grief and loss, and to understand why you are attracted to a married man. When you're able, make friends by finding other women who share your interests: book clubs, cake decorating, 5K races, museums, art galleries, whatever you enjoy as a hobby or something you'd like to know more about or have an interest in learning about.

And dig into your marriage. Focus on your role as a wife,  mother, partner. Look to the future with your family. Remember why you got married and how important that really is. You don't say how old you are but here's some advice from a 52-year-old: Invest in your marriage and your children while you're 30something. The next 20 years will come and go quickly and everything you think you're missing out on now will not be important at all in your 50s. Youth is fleeting. Gaurd what you have and love it. That's what will be left when you're older and wiser. Remember that when you're tempted to look over the fence at someone else's life and wonder if you could have "done better."

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2012
Thu, 09-20-2012 - 12:14pm

Hi CTheLight...btw I love your name!

I am so sorry that you have to go thru the pain of ending the Affair but for someone that had a dday that I didnt want be lucky that you havent had that as the pain would be even worse of what you are feeling now.  Seeing your H look at you with that look of how much you have hurt them and how deceived they feel is awful and imagine his wife who is pregnant finding out that throughtout her whole pregnancy he has been with you and how that would make you feel.

Uggghhhh I am only 5 months out and it is still hard hun but it does get easier, it really does. Its hard for you to see that now but you literally have to take it minute by minute now...baby steps....as anything else will be too overwhelming.  I know what its like coming out of the affair....pacing...wondering what hes thinking...wondering if you should call...wondering if you should text...or holding your phone hoping he will text......all that obsessing over what????  Its such a strong addiction and it literally feels like your heart is breaking in the morning, in the afternoon, in the nighttime.  But really just read the boards and the healing library and grab some friends her.  I dont mind if you private message me.  I would be happy to talk to you throughout the day as I know how extremely hard it is. Its gut wrenching honey...and I get how emotional you are! Its hard to pretend to be happy in front of your family when your not. That is probally the hardest part. If we could mourn the way we would like to we could probally heal much faster. But we did this...nobody made us have an affair...we did it to ourselves and now we have to suffer getting out of it.  But you will feel better day by day...and all of a sudden you will have little moments...where you will think wow..for 3 seconds I didnt think of him and its so fulfilling when it does.

Have you and your H been having issues all along?  Did he suspect you were having an A but just didnt have any proof?  Please just make sure you protect yourself if you dont want to have a dday and make sure he doesnt find this site by a search history as it is possible as that is how I had my dday.

Hugs girl!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
In reply to:
Thu, 09-20-2012 - 10:25am

Hi cthelight,

First, I love your name!  I take it to mean that you HAVE seen the light!  Cool!  Now, let the healing begin. And it will take time.  And this board has been very, very helpful to me.  A's are hard habits to break.  But, for most of us, that's what it was....a habit.  A destructive habit, likened to an addiction.

The positive of all this?  You can be an honest woman, true to herself and an honorable wife and mother.  Great things to take pride in!  Imagine yourself as a beautiful, wise woman that holds her head high, that experiences joy and love and peace.  And remember that you are number one in the eyes of your child and husband!  And open your heart to each day.  Roll with the grief, the tears, the pain.  Roll it into relief, calmness, acceptance and peace.

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, doing the next right thing...one day at a time.

Thinking of you and pulling for you.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
Thu, 09-20-2012 - 7:57am


I know what you are going though is tough - ok its more than tough, its one of the hardest things I ever had to go through. It because we had to go through this alone. I'm not just speaking for myself here when say how much I cried and yelled and sobbed - the pain was unbareable.

I too (and still do - albiet for only a few more days) work with my xAP. This made the whole situation even worse. I know what it feels like to walk past someone on the hallway you once were so close to, to suddenly not able to make contact. I know how it feel to have to hide and avoid the persons eye contact. I know what it feel like to cry in the toilets at work over someone you thought you loved more than anything.

I also know what it like to just let go. To finally look inwards and face my problems, responsibilites, and I know how to make myself happy now. I stopped pleasing my xAP, I stopped the craziness, I stopped the lies, the cheating and the betrayal. I stopped the madness. I stopped myself from ending in a mental institute, I stopped myself from checking my phone a million times a day. Just stop, Its actually not that hard to stop doing soemthing that is so wrong, and so unhealthy. The hard bit - is admitting that it was all your fault - and reparing the damage. And you might not have had a D-day yet - but if you read around these parts enough - they are devisating. And Honey - Your xAP doesn't want to be with you anyway - I'm not being hash - I'm being realistic - he has chosen to start a family with his wife - isn't that answer enough for you?  My xAP didn't want to be with me either - I grieved over it - I still do from time to time - by I've moved on. I have rechanneled my focus and life goals, I'm proud of how far I have come, and how much I have achieved. I have a long way to go - but every day is a step forward. I am no longer a lliving walking breathing LIE - I am living with honesty - and though its not as dangerous, thrilling, and mysterious as it was during my A, my life has taken a turn for the better - and I'm happy. No more lows that make me want to die.

If you want this - you can do this. If you don't want this - well - it wont happen. Its really that simple.

You don't have to hate him to move on. You have respect yourself more to move on. 




Every recovery is a kind of rebirth
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
In reply to:
Thu, 09-20-2012 - 5:13am

Hi Cthelight

How are you doing today? I can only imagine your not much better than yersterday :-( We have all been there, and this is going to be a really tough time for you - there are no two ways about it.

Right now, the only good news I have for you is - You are doing the right thing by keeping away from you xAP. That is I hope you are leaving him alone? You have implemented NC right? This guy, no matter how much you love, miss and need him  (may I just add, your very foggy right now) the only thing he needs to focus on it the baby that is on the way, and his wife that is going through the biggest thing in her life up to date. You've been there - you have a child - you know how much you needed that great husband of yours - let your xAP be that great husband and father he's desperatly trying to be.

Now that said - you need to look at your own life - hard as it is - you have your own set of responisibilites in this life. Have you thought about becoming the best wife and mother you possibily can? I'm am 100% sure (being a mother myself) that your child would LOVE all the new attention you can show him/her. Doesn't that wonderful, innocent child of yours deserve at least that. Watch your child blossom before your eyes, once you show it your undevided, presence and attention. Its amazing if I must say so myself.

Start doing things for youself, child and husband.

Try some of these things int he first few weeks- workout, long walks, haircut, facial, read read read, do things that keep your mind of him, and involve yourself in your community, a new hobby.... reconnect with your friends that suffered during your A.

Of course there is time to feel sorry for youself, we all have to feel the pain, understand it and then move on past it. Don't dwell to much  - when you feel yourself dwelling, fogged up, consumed by obsessive thoughts - come here, and tell us - or come here and/or find someone else you can help along the way - many newbies pick up buddies along the way and become great friends.

Now - tell us how things are going today sweety - there is an amazing fountain of knowlege and experience to be found her, so don't be shy. I'm not sure I would have made it this far without this great safe place.




Every recovery is a kind of rebirth
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
In reply to:
Wed, 09-19-2012 - 10:28pm
Cthelight, we have all been there and we will help you get through tbis too. For now, know that you did the right thing, for everybody.
The pain of ending.gets.better with time. The pain of being in the A gets worse and worse over time.
Save yourself, and your family.

Much love a.d strength to.you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
In reply to:
Wed, 09-19-2012 - 8:16pm

Welcome to our Community, (((cthelight)))

You received great responses from our fabulous dignityreclaimed and daisy4now.

It's good you found us.  We all arrived here in unbearable pain, so we know what you are feeling.  We promise, it will ease up over time...time truly is the best healer.

You said that you officially ended it, and so my advice is that you now block all avenues of communication so neither of you can contact each other during a weak moment...and there will be many...which only adds more confusion and hurt.

You did the right thing, and hold tight to this mindset because it's going to help you get through the next few days.  

Affairs have an expiration date...yours has expired and any attempts to keep it afloat will be useless.  Most affairs end in pain for both or one partner.  And we can't really talk much about it, or at all, with others because, well...it was an affair, and we really had no business forging this type of relationship...and most people frown upon it.  But you now got us for support, and you can talk about anything. Except no romanticizing the affair allowed :smileywink:

You can turn this into a positive by getting real (not being snarky) about what you stood to lose...a wonderful husband and being a fulltime Mom to your precious child because you could have had a Discovery Day which could have led to divorce which could have led to joint custody which could have led to the loss of friends, jobs, in-laws, standing in community...and then X10 the unbearable pain if that ever befalls you. Now, there's a whole bunch of positives all wrapped up in the longest sentence eva:smileyhappy:

Staying NC will allow time and distance to get clear and allow you to detox from this toxic relationship and do some introspection.

But let's just get through all the emotions you are experience and then you can begin to deal with all that...all that being how you can figure out what voids you were trying to fill and then filling them with healthier endeavors.

Please read all you can in our Healing Library, particularly on the importance of maintaining NC, the Discovery Day and then whatever resonants with you...and then everything else.

Stay close to the Board.  You are going to be okay.