Unbelievable Twist...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Unbelievable Twist...
13
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 2:37pm

Hello all...I've got a huge pit in my stomach and that totally anxious feeling again. I posted last week about feeling that maybe I was spending too much time thinking about the A and examing my role in it, what lessons I learned and how guilty I felt about his wife. I spent my therapy session on Friday talking about these same issues. For some reason, I was feeling really "odd" about the whole A and needed to vent about it.

Saturday night, totally out of the blue, I got a text message from XMM from his new phone number. Even though I've been out of the this A for more than a year, just reading a message from him sent me into a tailspin. I admit, I didn't even know it was from him at first since he came in from a number I didn't recognize. He told me that he's seen my car parked at my office and thinks about stopping in some day. YUCK.

My kids are off from school today and I took them to the movies. So who do I happen to run into there? XMM's mother and daughter. I'd like to say that I doubt they noticed me, but my DS is in a wheelchair and we're pretty hard to miss. More "contact" with him.

So I guess what I'm struggling with today is how in the world, when I'm so happy with my marriage and so much time has passed, this guy is still able to pull my strings????? Why does just thinking about him send me into outer orbit. He's totally not good for me, and my DH is truly the love of my life.

Let me just say that I'm not going to jump to the conclusion that a relationship between me and XMM must be "meant to be," else why these encounters after so long. I'm certainly not going to act on it, not making plans to see him or reignite the A. BUT CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHY I woke up thinking about him Sunday and Monday morning? I started to reminiscing again about some of the better times we had together? Why can't my heart seem to get what my brain knows - it's all trouble, stay away!!!!!!!!

Any insight here would be much appreciated. Again, let me reiterate, I'm NOT going to contact him and I'm not mulling over throwing myself right back into that fire again. I just want to know how in the world he continues to have such an effect on me. All my wonderful ranting about what a "louse" he is and how poorly he treats his wife, etc., and this is just more fuel for that fire because I doubt he's ever sent his wife a message saying how much he misses her. I feel totally defeated.

Sigh. It's like I'm in high school. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 3:40pm

Hey Mo,

Well I a wanted to respond quickly to you before my DS wakes up. I am actually off today and just logged on to see what was going on and was upset to see your sad face beside your "Unbelievable Twist" header.

Ok, I am no expert here but here is what I think...

I think the fact that you have been lurking here more than you have in a bit is probably forcing you to think of the A a wee bit more. These boards are great but sometimes they could be overwhelming and they also force us to remember the A. The good, the bad and the ugly. Its when the "good" thoughts creep in that we are sometimes overcome with that emotion. I think that is what your feeling. It never sounded to me like you were in love with xMM from your posts it always just sounded like you enjoyed the thrill and escaping from the stress of your real world. He gave you the escape. Even if brief or wrong it was an escape. To me, you seem like such a strong woman. Not only have you overcome the A but also alcoholism. Take a breather. Dont stress or make yourself crazy. I definitely dont think its a "destiny" kind of thing here by the way....I think its God's way of putting you to a little test. Like we need more of these friggin' tests right???

Honey, you are doing so great. Know that you were an inspiration to me, when I saw how far you had come. So much farther than me. I was like damn, we kinda were trying to get out at the same time and I did nothing and you were out. I was happy and envious all at the same time...and you inspired me to get out!

You are an inspiration to many on this board with always honest and heart felt responses.

Ok, so either stop sweating and take a break from the board (although you know I love hearing from you) but sometimes too much lurking isnt good either. Just my 2 cents...I am sure others will disagree. ;-)

I love you Mo. Stay strong. Your gonna be ok!!!! Your a strong cookie. I know that and I know you know that too.

Did you respond to his TM? You remember last time when he was doing that and you are the one who posted how you realized that it was that kind of contact that was still keeping you in the A, or the emotion of it - whether you realized it or not.

You owe him nothing. Think of all the bad. Stop thinking of the "fun" times. Think of what a louse he really is. Focus on that. That is what is helping me get through those emotional "weak" moments...and then it passes.

I hope I made some sense...I am rushing before my DS wakes up...and I still have so much to do before he does....no time to re-read this...so hope it makes sense. :)

xoxoxo!!

Dipss

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 4:07pm

I wanted to share with you an experience I had a few weeks ago. I was sound asleep and I heard someone tell me clear as day "Choices, it's all about choices." Before I got involved in this I pretty much thought everything was black and white then I began seeing that there were so many shades of gray. I realized I was thankful to not have to judge others and their situations. There may be many shades of gray, and many things that we will never know in this life but that doesn't mean that there is not black and white.

So I guess what I am trying to say is that xmm really doesn't matter in your life right now. Does he care? Do you guys have some kind of special connection? All of the other things that you wonder about that take up your time and attention. Your obligation is to your family and he is obligated to his. What is the best possible way for you to fulfill that? It is definately not by wasting your time on him.

Just wanted to say too that I enjoy your posts. I appreciate your wisdom and strength.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 4:18pm

Hi Mo,

First of all I wanted to tell you what an inspiration you were to me when I read your post for the first time. I thought, "Wow, she made it through a year and her life is much better, I want to be like that".

I have been struggling myself in the last two weeks. It was my one year anniversary of the first time xMM and I kissed after over 20 years apart. I was doing so well up until that point and had come a long way. Things were so much better with DH, been through counseling and started to fall back in love with him. This one year anniversary really threw me. I started thinking about where we were last year at this time, what he was doing, what I was doing. Little things seem to remind me of him these days and all those old feelings have come back. I have kept up with NC since Nov. and I wouldn't ruin that now. In fact, I'm still at the anger stage, I feel that he used me to get back at his W. I'm questioning everything he ever said to me. I believe that things happen for a reason, but can't figure out what the reasons are a lot of times. I kept thinking that "fate" would bring us back together someday. Now I give that about a 1% chance of happening. He and I live in different states so I know there isn't any chance of us running into each other. I do wonder what I would do if xMM ever tried to contact me again.

In your situation, if you are truely happy again with your DH then I don't think you will get back in the A with xMM again. You know the pain of your actions and how hard it is to work through them. You are a strong woman. I think it's normal for us to think about xMM because they were a part of our lives. But I find that keeping busy with other things helps to decrease the amount of time I think of him now. Just keep on going, it's just a minor set back. You will get through it.

Dallas

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 5:02pm

Aw Dipss, you said just what I needed to hear. Thanks so much (((((((hugs))))))! I KNOW I'm a tough cookie, I'm KNOW I can overcome so many things, it's just this 1 jerk who seems to have me on a string!

So while outwardly, I'm certainly not going to do anything that gets me back in the mess of the A, inwardly, darnnit!, he's already got me reliving the nights...

But thanks so much Dipss. At this point, I know this sounds so corny, but I'm praying on it and asking God to do for me what I'm afraid I won't be able to do for myself - give me the strength to get XMM off my mind for good.

You're right and I know it, my A was so much about escape from the pressures of my daily life. With my DH back by my side, we're doing such an incredible job cleaning up the mess we made of our lives and actually having a great time. I KNOW I'm incredibly blessed to be in this marriage and that my DH forgave me for everything I did - not just the A, but I'm thinking that being married to an active alcoholic probably wasn't any picnic for him, especially one that was a party girl, if you know what I mean. It just baffles me that I can KNOW this, and still have some ounce of feeling for the XMM. But you hit the nail on the head, Dipss - the feeling that I got was the "thrill." It wasn't a warm spot in my heart, it was a heart-pounding, head rushing thrill. And that, my friend, is the name of MY game.

So I'm fighting back with everything I've got. I see my T tomorrow and we'll no doubt get a better perspective on this then. But in the meantime, Dipss, thanks more than I can tell you for your words. I so envy the folks on this board who've been able to end it, wipe their hands clean, and walk away once and for all...

Love you! Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 5:08pm

Thanks so much for your response. I know you are absolutely right about where my focus needs to be. Unfortunately, I have this annoying tendency to wander off topic every once in a while... What I mean is that I can stay really focused on my marriage and my kids and do everything right for a certain period of time, and then my mind wanders and the "thing" it wanders to - be it XMM or knitting a poncho - becomes all encompassing and I can't let it go. Yes, I'm absolutely obsessive compulsive and I get all kinds of help for that. In fact, I'm trying to recognize that my obsession with XMM today is no different than my obsession with hunting down the pattern for Martha Stewart's Coming Home poncho, buying the yarn, and crocheting it immediately. And this is me, on a good day. Obviously, it's much healthier for me to obsess about work or knitting a poncho, and that's the direction in which I need to redirect my thoughts.

Thanks so much for your kind response! Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 5:14pm

Thanks Dallas! You're right, good, bad or indifferent, they're part of our lives. I think rather than recognizing that XMM played a part in my past, much like my first boyfriend, first kiss, senior prom, etc., everytime my mind wanders to him I subconsciously start screaming, "TABOOO, TABOO!!!!" "ALERT, STOP THINKING," and that, of course, makes it that much more difficult to get him off my mind. It's kind of like trying not to laugh at a job interview or funeral or other inappropriate setting. The more you think about it and realize that you just can't break into laughter, the more idfficult it becomes to stifle it. And if there's one thing I know about myself, the more I'm not supposed to think about or do something, the more appealing it becomes to think about or do.

I wish I could more gently push the XMM out of my mind instead of beating myself over the head with a 2x4 every time I think about him. Does this make sense????? The more I focus on trying NOT to react to him and work out keeping him off my mind, the more difficult it is to do.

Sigh. Thanks so much for your response. I'm going to get this eventually... Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 5:39pm

Well, I've thought further about my first post and your responses thereto, which were wonderful and so helpful. But I'm left with 2 overwhelming wonders:

1) How, after one year without any personal contact and just a few errant text messages most of which I didn't even respond to, does he still make my heart pound and my head rush and create a tingling sensation in my body????? This suggests to me that my reaction is chemical or hormonal. When I think about my DH, who is without a doubt the love of my life, I feel warm and comfortable. THAT feels like love. My reaction to XMM feels like I drank too much and my head is spinning. Given that I AM an alcoholic, I probably just LOVE that feeling, regardless of what causes it.

2) Why, after one year without any personal contact and just a few errant text messages, is he still thinking about me and wanting to stop by my office????? I wish he'd put this much effort into rebuilding his marriage, I truly do. Now I can anticipate some response to this will be that it doesn't matter WHY or what he's thinking. I just can't help but wonder... Love, disshelved Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 6:33pm

Mo

I think you need to identifywere this HIGH is coming from, you keep giving credit to XMM, It is not him this is all coming from YOU, by attributing this ro him your your giving him place and power in your life, but the truth is your the one with the power.

You love the FORBIDDEN FRUIT there is were your getting this high from you just dwell on it until you get those old brain stimulants flowing.

Time to block his newest phone number and even do something radical like change yours and make it UNLISTED, His marriage is not your concern, your concern is making sure that you don't allow him or YOURSELF to start you down a path that will lead to the distuction of your family.

I have to agree for some people to muct time to often at any of these boards is a bad idea.

Be Well

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 6:46pm

(((((Mo))))) I am married to the love of my life also--who's warm and comfortable..
Yet I put myself through four years of on again, off again with a man who seemed to switch gears faster than anyone (in regards to me). What is wrong with me that I would still long for that high? I feel like you in that regard.

You say you're an alcoholic (recovering one i suspect)--well I am not an alcoholic but my dad was one. And I grew up probably feeling quite used to his very standoffish love for me--which wasn't shown often. I am married to a man so unlike my father in this way--so why did I continue an addiction to a man like my MM??? I think sometimes we get stuck repeating old feelings/patterns.. I'm not sure what your parents were like ..but maybe you too have a reason for continuing to feel addicted to someone you know isn't healthy for you or good...I have to keep thinking about this..as an addiction.

I hope things will get easier for you. I do understand a year with no contact, and you still thinking of him in the way you are. I've been there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 10:49pm

mo,

i been reading all the post with regards to your issue, all i can say is you are doing great and dont let that text message bring u back down

1 yr is a big accomplishment, and u are back with H and rebuilfing your M, its just a bump in the road

we all know u can do it, another yr will go by and u wont even be on this board anymore since u wont remeber MM anymore

take care, u are doing the right thing,

we are all here for u, and u are an inspiration,
max

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