Unbelievable Twist...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Unbelievable Twist...
13
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 2:37pm

Hello all...I've got a huge pit in my stomach and that totally anxious feeling again. I posted last week about feeling that maybe I was spending too much time thinking about the A and examing my role in it, what lessons I learned and how guilty I felt about his wife. I spent my therapy session on Friday talking about these same issues. For some reason, I was feeling really "odd" about the whole A and needed to vent about it.

Saturday night, totally out of the blue, I got a text message from XMM from his new phone number. Even though I've been out of the this A for more than a year, just reading a message from him sent me into a tailspin. I admit, I didn't even know it was from him at first since he came in from a number I didn't recognize. He told me that he's seen my car parked at my office and thinks about stopping in some day. YUCK.

My kids are off from school today and I took them to the movies. So who do I happen to run into there? XMM's mother and daughter. I'd like to say that I doubt they noticed me, but my DS is in a wheelchair and we're pretty hard to miss. More "contact" with him.

So I guess what I'm struggling with today is how in the world, when I'm so happy with my marriage and so much time has passed, this guy is still able to pull my strings????? Why does just thinking about him send me into outer orbit. He's totally not good for me, and my DH is truly the love of my life.

Let me just say that I'm not going to jump to the conclusion that a relationship between me and XMM must be "meant to be," else why these encounters after so long. I'm certainly not going to act on it, not making plans to see him or reignite the A. BUT CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHY I woke up thinking about him Sunday and Monday morning? I started to reminiscing again about some of the better times we had together? Why can't my heart seem to get what my brain knows - it's all trouble, stay away!!!!!!!!

Any insight here would be much appreciated. Again, let me reiterate, I'm NOT going to contact him and I'm not mulling over throwing myself right back into that fire again. I just want to know how in the world he continues to have such an effect on me. All my wonderful ranting about what a "louse" he is and how poorly he treats his wife, etc., and this is just more fuel for that fire because I doubt he's ever sent his wife a message saying how much he misses her. I feel totally defeated.

Sigh. It's like I'm in high school. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 7:57am
Free, as usual, you are absolutely right. The "high" I get is coming from within ME, it's not about him at all. I need to remember that and keep getting with the reason for it. And you are absolutely right that if someone leads me down that destructive path, it will be me, not XMM. I recognize that XMM doesn't have that power over me, only I can make that decision. And therein lies the reason I need therapy and alot of AA meetings just to function like a "normal" person on any given day. Thanks for your wisdom again, Free! Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 8:02am
Lea, big (((((hugs))))) as another child of an alcoholic. Yes, I've been clean and sober for about 2 1/2 years (yeah!!!!). Part of my struggles come from the way I was raised in an alcoholic family, but the other part definitely comes from the fact that I inherited the alcoholic/crazy gene from my father. As I've often shared, where I feel like the "normal" person rolls out of bed pretty much ready to face the day, I need antidepressants, at least 1 therapy session a week, 3 or 4 AA/NA meetings, 10 hours of yoga and meditation, and 3 or 4 runs just to keep from causing harm to myself or others. On the one hand, I'm very blessed that I'm able to function, that these coping mechanisms actually work and I have the willingness to USE them everyday and whenever I need them. But on the other hand, I wish I didn't have to do so much work just to be "okay." Thanks for your response! Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 8:05am
Big thumbs up, Max! I'm NOT going to let a couple of stupid text messages mess with my serenity. One of the things we practice in yoga is not letting the ebb and flow of life interupt our peace of mind. That's all his tm to me was, "the ebb and flow of life." I need to accept it as such and move forward without attaching to it. Thanks for your feedback, Max, and you're also doing okay. As any good yogi would tell you, you had a "fall" this weekend. And now you have a chance to get back up. You're going to be okay, kiddo. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

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