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| Sat, 09-25-2010 - 11:22am |
Hey guys,
I'm going through something that I wanted to share on the board. I mentioned before that I started my own business. The ball is rolling hard and fast and I'm to the point in the process now where I'm waiting to see how many takers I can get. For the past two days I've been frustrated, anxious and insecure because I am not getting responses to emails to my client, and I'm in the dark about their feelings about my proposal. I have been obsessively checking my business email - like, every five minutes I'm clicking the refresh button and praying for a response, only to feel dejected and insecure when I see there is no new email waiting for me. Does _this_ sound familiar to anyone!? Anyhoo, these feelings are so reminiscent of the feelings I had during the A that I'm having an anxiety-trigger. The result has been that I'm feeling reengaged in the struggles of early ending re: emotional volatility. I have a theory about why this is. My anxiety feelings are getting misplaced - I'm used to feeling these exact feelings re: the A, so that is where my mind goes when I feel them. Get it? I find it so strange that this was not at once obvious to me and that I need to _consciously_ say to myself, "this is about XY&Z, and NOT about Xap."
"Mind Management", what a trip!
As I look back over the last almost-11 months, I recall experiencing this phenomenon before, not having realized it at the time. Another example would be the mushy, romantical feelings H stirred up a few times. One would think that those feelings would be welcome and enjoyed, but I actually sort of recoiled in discomfort. At that time, I thought is was indicative of the semi-rocky R with H, but now I'm thinking it's because those feelings were so closely associated with xAP that expressed in even a legitimate way, they made me uneasy.
Does anyone think there is validity in this theory? Is this helpful to anyone? I felt like a long-overdue light bulb went off over my head when I finally made this connection; I hope this post resonates with someone else.
Best,
Dee

Hi Dee, I think it makes a lot of sense what you're saying! The other day I was feeling anxious and of course I immediately thought I felt anxious because of xAP... but then later I thought: maybe it was because I was just feeling tired and I had an off day...
So it's not exactly the same as with your waiting for that business-email, but the anxiety might have been misplaced in my case too...
Not sure, but I just thought so :-)
Hugs
HTGO
Hey Dee,
Yes - I can totally relate. My academic work requires me to constantly be waiting for something from someone else: feedback on manuscripts, acceptance for publication, funding approval, comments from academic supervisors etc ... I am closely tied to my computer almost every minute of the day. I constantly have my tab open waiting for one of the things mentioned above. This fills me with feelings of anxiety and anticipation. I feel comfort when I get a reassuring, timely email, but am faced with self-doubt in the spaces between. I am exhausted at the end of the day from all the positive self-talk and re-framing I engage in to manage. I too have to remind myself that I am not being made to wait on purpose, no one is being malicious or unkind, and when people are able, they will connect with me. This is not the same situation as my xAP. In that 'relationship' the waiting was analogous to waiting to be fed while starving on the inside. It was a sick game of trying to figure out what his "non-communication" might mean: had she found out, did he not care for me anymore, was he not thinking of me, had he forgotten me, had he changed his mind.
All this to say Dee, that gosh, I know how triggering it can be waiting for an email post-affair. What an important insight you have arrived at. It is amazing the things I am still learning about myself, and the associations I make between exAP and my thoughts and feelings today. I too am working to make new associations for those triggers.
This is a new phase (with familiar elements from affair) for you too because you are risking yourself again - this time not with an affair partner, but with a business venture. So many of the feelings that you felt in your affair will be triggered: vulnerability, uncertainty, loss of control, worry, self-doubt ... this time round you are aware of where it is coming from and have the wisdom to talk yourself through it and heal those residual wounds.
My best,
((hugs))
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Dee -
Like TU, I can totally relate. XAP was a big, important man that wasn't able to answer the phone most of the time. Add to that the fact that he was M and I am S, you can guess that 9 times out of 10 I got voice mail. Even when I call my kids and they don't answer, I immediately go into panic mode.
It's not only waiting that I have a hard time with, but I have to work hard also with self doubt and rejection. I love what I do for a living, but design can be very personal. I have to keep my mind in check and tell myself that it's just business. We've all been through a lot, and the fall out continues! TU is right, you are putting yourself "out there" and it can be scary. There are times when I just want to punch a clock. Being self employed during the ending of my A has been good in some ways, but has also been incredible draining.
It helps to know I'm not the only one feeling "shell shocked" in this way.
Bodhi
Hi Dee
I think this is amazingly insightful- I love that you recognised this and then thought to post about it- you really are a great inspiration to me.
I have read that our brains are actually not that bright :) It cant tell between reality and fantasy, which is why visualisations and healing can be so powerful.
I guess following on from this, its not hard to imagine that anything that triggers similar feelings would reel the brain back into a time when those feelings were at their most concentrated.
So a feeling of love and euphoria may reel the brain back to early foggy days with AP. A feeling of anxiety and waiting, may reel our brain back to those soul destroying days when the reality of having an A started to seep in.
<an inner insecurity of our own, and our weak a*se brain is looking for an easy trigger. The trigger and solution are both inside us!>>
Spot on! ;-)
~Iddy~