unfinished business

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
unfinished business
10
Wed, 02-03-2010 - 3:08pm

So much unfinished business at the end of an affair. I'm feeling the weight of it terribly.

It's been over a month now since d-days(his was a planned d-day to leave W) and my xMM literally kicked me to the curb with only a few words telling me that "a miracle occurred and it revealed he had to stay with his family"....followed by a few robotic words about how I should go on...

All of this after our 2 year A where he recently purchased "our" home, bought us a new SUV, planned the honeymoon, we decorated the home ( and yes, for those of you wondering if it really happened and I have proof of it all, I do.) the diamond ring, the dog named, he called my mom, etc.etc. THIS is how far my MM took it. He never once in a years time gave me any reason to doubt he was leaving her--it was us--we were lost loves(old college sweethearts)--the whole ball of wax.

In the past month I have had NO CONTACT from him whatsoever. I suspect he and W signed some kind of an agreement for him to stay NC through their christian counseling. Point being, I have heard nothing. It has been extremely hard for me and I have sent a few emails, voicemails and to those I have heard not a word.

Last night I had to go to the local FEDEX to pick up an envelope from him. He hired an attorney and through the attorney's help agreed to give me a few thousand dollars to go to a treatment center for love addiction. With the help of my T and my H we decided that the money was most likely my xMM's way of easing his own guilt, but that I should apply it towards help. After getting the check through FEDEX last night, I sat in my car in the dark and realized this was the end of my connection to him forever. I sadly voicemailed him (bad choice) and through tears said my final goodbye. It was probably in some ways a way for me to signify an end of this unfinished business. I got home and went straight to bed, sad and down.

This morning as I arrived at my school where I teach our school secretary called me and said she had a "verbal" message to deliver from someone who had called. She said the message was from ________, (my xMM) and he wasn't able to "speak" in person but asked her to pass on a message that said, "I received your voicemails....Good luck and Good bye".................It ripped open every wound.

I am astounded that he is using his "power" in this way, yet I opened up the door for this pain I guess. It was just something I didn't expect. To leave it with our secretary?

All this said, I just needed to get this off my chest. I feel so alone today. So vulnerable. I am working towards recovery, doing what needs to be done. One step forward and two back. But I know I have to keep forging ahead. No matter what. Just so many things left unsaid and so many unknows that ruminate in my head.

It's been a very hard day for me.




Edited 2/3/2010 3:11 pm ET by lifelesson2008
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Wed, 02-03-2010 - 4:11pm

Dear Life,


Your post has brought me to tears. I am no where close to your situation, but I have a heart full of sympathy for you. I am so sorry for your unbearable sadness. Please know that you will get through this one day at a time with the help of your T and H and these boards.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Wed, 02-03-2010 - 5:26pm

I'm speechless. I know we are discussing an affair here, but his behavior is that of a coward.


This is tough. It sounds like he is following the advice of his spiritual leaders, wife and attorney. What a gutless jerk. Sorry, I'm really down on spineless men today. But lifelesson, it is over. Now you have to pick up the pieces and rebuild your life. I'm guessing the message to your school's secretary was his way of saying, ok I got your VM's, I'm closing this chapter of my life, now go away.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Wed, 02-03-2010 - 6:11pm

LL,


Wow, your post was very

~Stargirl~
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Wed, 02-03-2010 - 6:47pm

bandk73,


You have no idea how comforting your message was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2010
Wed, 02-03-2010 - 6:51pm

I am so so sorry.

Imustenjoypain!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Wed, 02-03-2010 - 6:55pm

Oh Stargirl.......thank you too!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Wed, 02-03-2010 - 6:59pm
lifelesson, you have a good grip on your situation but that doesn't ease the pain and anger. My xAP "missed the chance" back in college too. Knowing what I know now, I'm glad for that ;-). When I think about what my life might have been with him, it's not the rosy garden I imagined when our affair began. People change and grow in ways we could never imagine. My xAP is an arrogant, frugal nerd, nothing back in college indicated he would become this alien man to me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Wed, 02-03-2010 - 7:03pm

imustenjoypain.....


I would love to do all of those things...have a beer with you, plot BAD revenge (:and scream and yell....it's just too much too bear to do this alone~


I hate him so badly right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Thu, 02-04-2010 - 10:22am

I hate him so badly right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2010
Sun, 02-07-2010 - 3:07am

poor baby! i am feeling so sorry for you right this moment!


what a cad to leave the school secretary that sort of message. has he no common sense? but... on the other hand: he didn't have to leave a message of that sort, he didn't have to even call the school at all to acknowledge your voicemail of goodbye, but he did... so i think he is leaving the door slightly open.


u r single and he is married with children? first, i think you should never expect the man to leave his children, his family: they are his first and foremost responsibility. he took vows, and most men will honor those vows come hell or high water. if this sort of relationship was/is convenient for you, then continue on but you can have no expectations of him in the future whatsoever.


if you see yourself as someone's wife, with your own family one day, then this is NOT the man for your future. but if you see yourself as arm candy, safely kept, securely hidden away --and you want that, then you will probably find yourself in this type of situation again.


please also remember: whoever touches us, teaches us.


good luck my dear, and take good care of yourself!

when one does not love too much, one does not love enough --blaise pascal