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| Wed, 04-14-2010 - 8:27pm |
Went to my first AA meeting this morning.
Um, yah. I don't think I'm an alcoholic but man-oh-man I really need to get my shiz together. This is what I'm realizing: I mask my pain and deal with my problems with AVOIDANCE. Dating Mr. Jameson instead of xAP was just one more f'd up way of coping with a life that I feel is out of my control. I heard today about being a "Dry Drunk". mmmmm, do y'all know what that is??? that is someone who doesn't drink anymore but hasn't dealt with the issues that got them to drink in the first place. Sound familiar? How many of us are being Dry x-affair havers?
I have read about 100 pages of the Alcoholics Anonymous handbook, and I applied a lot of the insights to all behaviors I have that are self destructive and found that, about 360 degrees, I have the same issues with xAP, Alcohol, interpersonal issues. Oy, I have SO much work to do!
Thank the heavens above I have wise and loving women who have gone before me and I have this board to lean on. Newbies!!! listen!!! You really must let go of your conceit and ego and truly, truly listen to the leaders and vets here. What makes them stay? Long after their affairs are over and they have recovered? it's because they have a higher calling... they are blessed with a message that can _literally_ save the heart and soul of those of us who are lost. pls. pls. listen.
xoxoxoxoxoxox
Dee

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Ok, y'all meeting no. 2 was this morning. A whole frickin' lot of what is expressed at AA can be applied to A-havers and the function of this board. Oh, my goodness! I so wanted to raise my hand and say, "Hi. I'm Dee, and I'm an A-haver." (opps. wrong meeting!)
A man said today, "My solution was worse than my problem." hello! Having an affair to solve self-esteem, Daddy, or M problems?? cha.
The speaker discussed the 8th step: Making Amends. Whoa. Making amends is not saying I'm sorry only; it's about accepting responsibility and _correcting_ the behavior/attitude. It sounds so simple, but it's not really. Taking personal inventory and addressing ALL of the hurts we've put out there is a HUGE task. The speaker talked about an example: saying sorry for pushing away the love and closeness of the people who cared about her. Also, she talked about the pain that her petulant self-pity caused. If you don't love yourself, you can't love others nor let them love you. (cried here)
And then, there was this guy, "we're not bad people trying to get good. We're sick people trying to get well." Good people do bad things when they are not well, don't they? I'm not well. I was not well when I had my A and I'm not well now. I am only _trying_ to get well --- which is a huge improvement over a few months ago!
I'm looking forward to more self-discovery (though, I will admit it is so wrenching that I wanted to puke at the meeting today.)
Thanks to everyone who responded so enthusiastically and were so supportive. Your kind words and works are amazingly uplifting and reassuring. Thank you.thankyou!
xox
Dee
We've definitely got your back Dee, and I for one will be looking forward to more of your insight as you continue on your journey.
I love this: <>
Taking personal inventory is so hard, but sooo necessary... and continual.
Hugs,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
I could have written your entire post.
I had an aha! moment in T yesterday. I, too, have pushed my husband away for years. I realized yesterday that it is because I don't trust him. I don't trust him to really love me. I don't trust him to stick by me, even though he has stuck by me through 27 years and an A that he knows about way back in our past. I don't trust anyone to love me unconditionally. So I build walls. I pretend to be strong and
Oh, new_season!! This just put a huge smile on my face:
I am very appreciative of this post.
I have a sticky note on my wall that my T gave me. It says, "Honor your passions and risk failure."
It means, simply, quit being afraid. Who cares if you fail? How does that lessen us as individuals? Our failures teach us MUCH more about ourselves than our successes.
You can apply that phrase to anything in your life. I'm afraid to be loved. So what? I should risk being vulnerable to my husband. If I fail, I fail. I should risk letting others see my weakensses. If they think less of me for it, oh the eff well!!!
Be who you are or want to be. Be couragous! Risk failure!! In the end, who the hell cares and what did it all matter??
Live your true life. .... I don't know if I'm making sense to anyone, but I get it. It makes sense in my crazy little mind. :-)
Don't be a dry drunk aka Ender that does not do some introspection to figure out their whys. As Dee has said before, dead bodies don't sink they tend to
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
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