Update

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Update
14
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 9:39am
Hi everyone,

Finally last night H said that he would meet me at my counselors. Not much has changed in the past week and some of the little things H has said have given me hope but I don't want to think like that. I just have to keep reminding myself that I have to take one day at a time and let H lead. I ended up writing H a letter on Friday night and leaving it for him on Saturday, it was everything that I felt for him, for us. I asked him to share his pain and hurt with me, that I want to understand. I took all the blame for everything I have done and I made sure I didn't tell him what he thought, only what I have been thinking. I apologized again for the A and everything I have done to him. It was 8 pages long and I don't even know if he read it, but I hope he did. I ended it with asking him to come to counseling with me.

I am nervous about going to counseling with him because I don't know what to expect. Still H is not talking but keeping everything in, I hope that he feels comfortable enough to talk with the counselor there. I haven't pushed but I haven't retreated either. I have given him his space and making every attempt to talk to him (even about everyday things and the kids) even when he doesn't respond to me. I have to say this is one of the hardest things I have ever done, but I am determined to do anything I have to.

So off to counseling this afternoon and I am hoping that tomorrow I will have some better news. I do know this entire process could take years but I do think that after tonight I will be able to tell if H is willing to move forward or if it is truly over and that is what scares me. I need all of you guys to give me strength so that I can do this whatever happens. Thanks everyone and keep me in your prayers.

DAF

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: daf101a
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 4:36pm
DAF

I have one word for you PATIENCE, one visit to the C does not make or break your marriage, please do not hang to much on one visit that is way to soon to jump to conclusions.

I would bet real money that hubby read your letter and that it will help him, not all at once and not quickly, but your being an open book to him is the right way to go about this.

You hubby could use IC to help deal with his raw emotions hopefully the C will be able to get him to seek it out for himself.

Hang in there Daf this is not over by half.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
In reply to: daf101a
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 9:27am
Free,

Thank you for your positive thoughts however the counseling did not go well at all.

H basically told my counselor what he told me it is over he will always love me because I am the mother of his DD but he is not in love with me and he can't change the way he feels. No matter what the counselor said to him he kept repeating himself. H told the counselor that I am unwilling to accept things as they are but his mind is made up. Turns out he did read that letter and still it doesn't change things for him. The counselor suggested that all of the pain and hurt needs to be worked thru and she offered for him to continue in joint sessions with me and her or she would give him a name of a counselor to see himself. He said he knows how he feels and talking to someone isn't going to change things. From that point on I have felt dead inside.

We were in seperate cars so I went home and he never came home. I called him because DD was asking where he was and he said he would be home before her bedtime. I had no choice but to keep it together because I was with the kids but I couldn't do it and I know the kids know something is up if only they feel how I am feeling. After both of them were in bed I tried to talk to H again and all he wants to talk about is how we are going to handle things. Right now I can't deal with that and I told him exactly that. I told him I haven't accepted all of this so how can I make plans and figure things out. He wants to be civil, he doesn't want anything to happen until after the holidays. Financially I don't think we can do anything for awhile and he knows that too. I guess it will take some more talking between us. I have told him without him I have nothing. He is going to figure out how he can keep custody of DD but doesn't think it will work because he works nights. Wants both of us to stay in the town we live in to make it easier on the kids.

I am dead inside, all I have been doing is crying. I feel isolated and so alone. H wants me to talk to my sister, he doesn't want me to tell anyone about the A he said it is no one's business. I can't talk to my sister because she won't be supportive, this I know from my first D. My sister is very judgemental and I can't deal with that. H said I should talk to someone and when I told him I don't have anyone to talk to he said there had to be someone. He said I need someone to lean on besides my counselor. Apparently he has been talking to a guy at his work that had an A but him and his W have worked thru everything and he has been advising H to try, H says he can't. I dont' know what to do, what to think, what to feel. I know I have to pull it together, because of work and the kids, I just can't.

Then on the way to work this morning all I could think about was OM. I had this urge to call him and tell him what has been going on, but you know at the same time a thought popped into my head that OM is part of the reason I am in this situation and to talk to him now would make things worse. I have this anger towards him, is that how it gets? I hate OM, I hate myself and right now I hate my life and what is happening.

Sorry this turned out long, I am just at a loss and I don't have anywhere else to turn. Thanks for listening.

DAF

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: daf101a
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 9:41am
Daf

As black as things seem right now I think there are more postive indicators then negative, the fact that your hubby wants to keep it quiet may indicate that dispite what he is saying he wants to keep the rebuilding option open, the more people that know about the affair the harder it is to rebuild.

The fact that he is getting advice from a friend who made the same mistake means he is getting a full picture of the whole thing from someone he has respect for or he would not be his friend.

His gerneral concern for you is also good.

I will say it again Daf it is very early in this whole thing, it will take MONTHS more for him to really deal with his emotions enough to accept what it is he really wants.

Hang in there hon

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
In reply to: daf101a
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 10:20am
Free

I really wish that I could believe what you are saying but I honestly think that his decision is final. He isn't open to any type of counseling he won't talk about his feelings. He said to me last night, aren't you even listening to what I am saying. I am listening to him and I hear him loud and clear. He won't accept that I want to try. As much as I want to hang on to any hope you give me Free, my heart is breaking and my life is crumbling and I don't see any of that happening.

But you can keep telling me these things to help me along. Thank you.

DAF

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
In reply to: daf101a
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 11:16am
Aw Daf, ((((((((hugs))))))). I know it seems so bleak to you at this moment, and you want things to turn around and BE better immediately. You need to see the hope right now in order to make it thru this day.

Well, I'm with Free. Don't give up. I've posted my story before, but you might want to hear it again. DH and I were separated, moving our own ways. Both seeing other people and trying to figure out how to work out the logistics; i.e. where to live, finances, etc. It took just long enough for us to come to our dang senses. We both got counseling and even though I know your H is opposed at this moment, you don't know how he'll feel a month from now, or even a year from now, or even a week from now. While you're working out the details, the anger may subside and your H may realize that he does want to work this out.

I know you can't see it, but I see some hope for you yet. Hang in there, honey, and keep posting to us. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
In reply to: daf101a
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 1:31pm
Mo,

I wish I could have the strength to not give up. I feel like everything has been pulled from under me I am so sick with what I have done to cause all of this. Still H is saying that the A only brought to the surface all of the problems we had. Doesn't want to hear that we never dealt with those problems. He has said that in the past 2 years I have pushed everyone away and he warned me during that time that one day it would be too late. But you know during that time (and it wasn't just because of OM) I only remember that conversation once, but that doesn't even matter now.

Mo, you and Free can hold out hope for me but right now I only exist to get thru the hours. I really feel I have no purpose right now. I am going to continue my counseling and see how it goes, maybe one day I can accept everything that I don't have control over.

Thanks for the support, you guys are all I have.

DAF

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: daf101a
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 5:35pm
Daf

You bet your life I am going to have hope and lots of it to, I have seen far worse situations turned around so I know yours is not impossible.

Naturally right now you are trying to draw breath from one miniute to the next and you really can't expect to be doing the tango, BUT try not to lose sight of the fact that you really have just begun this and it is going to take some real time for your husbands emotions to even begin to have more settled moments were he can see for himself what he wants, even then he is not likely to come running to you to let you know that his heart is softening toward you.

Patience.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
In reply to: daf101a
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 1:40am
Good evening Daf and ladies or should I say good morning. I rarely ever post because I consider myself a guest (BS Male, wife deceased...this sight as helped me so much as my discover is almost 1yr ago from tomorrow. Still climbing up with occassional landslides }.

Daf the reason I decided to post is because your H is me and I am him. This will be the honest truth of what your H is wanting from you and trust me he is giving you all kinds of prompts,clues, gestures, for you not to end this marriage. Yeah! I know I said you, but stay with me on this one. He does not want a divorce, inside he is yelling at you come on babe, your warm, warmer, warmer, your burning up come on and make me feel without a doubt I am the love of your life, say it to me ever second, when I am laughing, crying, pushing you a way, and pulling you close. I am not talking sex, I mean emotion. He needs to know that if he sticks this out because he is humilated, hurt, and you know the rest that it is because YOU LOVE HIM MORE THAN ANY THING ON THIS EARTH, not because you love him...he wants to feel it, so he can be more secure and its the birth of trust...He has no doubt then that you do love him and in return he will give you his crown of pride because he trust your love to protect that crown. He cannot tell you these things because he wants you to do these things by yourself...Show me, just show me something thats what he is telling you. He has been wounded, but he will get up and march into the guns of hell because he feels your love for him and not your insecurities of how your life might change. Right now he only see's that your scared but he is not sure if thats from the possiblity of losing him, or really losing the comfort of the marriage. You have to be honest with yourself on what your true feelings are, but understand he does not want the emphasis or focus to be on saving the marriage. That is secondary, he wants the focus and its selfish, to be on your love for him...married, divorced, it does not matter and will not change the love that you feel for him nor will it stop from showing him that love. Tell H your not asking him to love you right now, all you are asking is for him to let you love him. I mean YOU LOVE HIM...that feels better. Daf, my father was just a country Doc, house calls at all hours, deliveries of newborns of family and friends, and laden with the burden of medical knowledge that to often for told that prays and hope would not be enough. Well, this old man that I thought was not really understanding of the real world told me when I brought my first born son home to show him and mom, I was telling him how I wanted to start a college fund, and savings plan, and yada, yada, yada, my Dad said T____, all that child needs right now is to feel secure, that is the most important thing..and I realize that not only applies, to infants, but to all of us. Make your H feel secure Daf, without him having to ask...Then you will begin to work on the marriage. I will get off the field and go back up in the stands as a spectator, but I will be cheering for you Daf.
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to: daf101a
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 6:20am
Hiya Moe,

Beautifully said and utterly true.

I separated from DH to have my affair. We sat down and had a state of the relationship discussion one evening and I told him outright that I had developed strong feelings for someone else. At that time we agreed a trial separation and freed each other to chase our own rainbows. We had no children at that time nor were we financially dependent upon one another. Approximately 2mos later on closing the purchase on my own house, I moved out.

Despite our separation, despite us both seeing other people (me one person, DH several), despite my having exOM's child, DH and I remained close friends and each others' strongest supporters. Regardless of cost to me in terms of my own relationship with exOM, it didn't occur to me that I should be anywhere else than by DH's side when his mother passed away or when DH had some serious health issues come to light. DH's own relationship(s) suffered as they didn't seem to understand that he & I remained friends/friendly. It could not have been easy for the lady in DH's life at that time to know that it simply didn't occur to DH to be anywhere else than with his estranged wife when she was giving birth to her first child and the father was unavoidably detained elsewhere.

My EMA was to last 3.5yrs, ended in January this year and my daughter is now 23mos old. DH has always been actively involved in DD's upbringing and, in fact, is the person DD rightfully calls "Daddy" since he rather than exOM is the one who has been there to change diapers, who dealt with his share of night feeds, as well as witnessing and cheering DD's every milestone & smallest achievement.

With marriage counselling, we've reconciled and with both of us undergoing individual counselling it's become plain to us that whatever it was we were looking for has been right beneathe our very noses all the time. No one was more surprised that our rainbows actually began and ended at each other's doorstep.

Where this lengthy background explanation ties in with your post is here:- At the time we seriously began considering a full reconciliation, DH needed to know beyond question that he was the one I wanted above all others (especially exOM). DH needed to feel he could believe in my love and in "us." He needed (and continues to need) me to be absolutely certain in myself that it was DH I wanted to be with rather than the security of the marriage although we are not in any way financially reliant upon one another.

I moved back in 2mos ago when I was certain of these things myself, and because he recognised & believed that I had no lingering doubts. Life is good and we are both able to fully appreciate each other as individuals with all our strengths & weaknesses. DD is the icing on our cake (DH believes the sun rises & sets from her little bottom and I'd have to agree with him).

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
In reply to: daf101a
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 9:09am
Thanks everyone I really appreciate all of the support I have gotten.

Update from yesterday. I finally broke down and confided in a neighbor who is having problems in her M too. It helped a little to talk to her and ironically she feels like my H does (saying there are no feelings, etc.). There is no A in that R and I didn't tell her anything about mine. She didn't understand the way H is acting (they run everyday together) and wanted to talk to him. I called him and told him that I had talked to her and he was pissed because he says I am involving a mutual friend who has problems of her own and I shouldn't have bothered her (he told this to her to and she told him she is glad that I did). Well turns out he called her and I guess she talked to him and told him some things that he didn't want to hear (she didn't tell me anything specific). Anyway she called me and told me that she had told my H that he needed to really talk to me, that I was devastated and that he has to understand us woman take/need different things.

So after the kids went to bed, H started talking, it started out with the same old thing. H wanted to know if I thought about what to do and how to proceed. I once again told him I can't even begin to think about it because I haven't even accepted anything. We ended up talking with me breaking down endlessly but H finally told me some of his feelings. H told me that maybe I should go see my mother for a few days, he would take time off and stay with the kids. Right now at this moment I told him I can't do that. We talked about the counselor and both agreed that she isn't the right one to help us no matter what the end result will be. He has agreed to make an appt with a M counselor and he would try that if only to help me get thru everything.

Anyway I was in my closet trying to figure out what I was going to wear today and he came in and actually took me in his arms. I lost it, he kept telling me he doesn't want me to hurt. I let it all out once again, since the first day we met he has been a part of me, he is my life, he is the one that I want for the rest of my life. That I love him more than life itself. I was crying and shaking and not once did he pull away I even think that I saw a tear or two from him. So we got into bed and he held me for a little bit. I won't put too much into all of this because I know nothing is definate and he is still saying we have to figure out how to seperate.

Honestly I have to believe that he still has unresolved issues that he can't even admit to himself. We talked about him going to IC but I don't think he will right now. So I am off to find a M counselor in our area and see what else I can do. Wish me luck.

DAF

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