Update

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Update
9
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 4:50pm

I never posted here much (folks didn't like my "non-handholding style" LOL), but I just wanted to give those of you who are struggling some hope.

Iknowitstime

(and so do you)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: iknowitstime
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 5:30pm
HI Iknowitstime

I remember you less then welcoming reception at the affairs board, but rest assured we have a good supply of job openings for clear thinking women and men with your type of experience your a shoe in no resume required.

So know that both you and what you have to say are WELCOME and NEEDED at the endings board.

Welcome

Free

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to: iknowitstime
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 6:08pm
Hiya Iknowitstime,

I also ended my EMA in January. Like you I seldom offer hand-holding support here. My days of enabling & encouraging people to lie or cheat on others (even themselves) are over. If I spot it, I point it out. Equally, what others do with that form of support is entirely their own choice since I neither have nor want control over anyone except myself.

I heartily concur with everything you said in your post EXCEPT the statement "time heals all wounds."

Dr Phil (whom I consider to be a blow-hard and far more showman than therapist) said something along the lines of "time never healed anyone - it's what you DO with that time that matters." I think that has a whole lot of truth to it.

Re-read your post, Iknow. Your exerience, my experience, and especially your post to which I am responding proves the above theory. It's what we've done with our time that has enabled our healing & growth.

A slight addition to your post also. You actually have to want to end it. If you don't - you won't. It really is that simple. If that means everyone has to reach their own personal rock-bottoms, then that's the way it is.

Thanks for the strong support.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2004
In reply to: iknowitstime
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 6:15pm
I'm new to the Ending an Affair Support board. I'm not even sure why I'm posting here at all. I ended my affair a month ago and haven't had one bit of trouble letting go. I said goodbye and haven't spoken to him since. But then I think our affair was "different" (insert sarcasm here). By different I mean that I never deluded myself into believing we loved one another. Although I feel that I was more level-headed than most in an affair, I still look back on it and wonder what was I thinking to get into it in the first place. Who was I to be so selfish and self-serving? No matter how bad I thought my marriage was at the time, my husband didn't deserve to be lied to and cheated on. What an idiot I have been.

Anyway the purpose of posting to your message was to say you can include me in the not-holding-hands support group. I believe facing the truth is the only way to heal from a bad experience.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
In reply to: iknowitstime
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 6:52pm

Hi IKnow!


Congratulations on your progress! You sound very strong and determined, and I know it couldn't have been easy to get there. Thanks for the reminders and the inspiration.


:)

Love,

Lily
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
In reply to: iknowitstime
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 5:02pm
Its been almost 6 weeks since my A ended, and I still hurt some and think of him more than the scumbag deserves. Today I saw a post from him on a board we both frequent, and he was talking about his wife and their life like nothing had ever happened. Even insinuated him might be planning a surprise vacation for her.

When I first read it, my heart sank. I don't want to know what he's up to, though I admit I am curious in a way. I wonder how she could possibly take him back. I wonder if he misses me. But I know all this will pass. I've already made huge progess in the 6 weeks.

I am brutally honest with myself now because I failed to be so during the A. Which is odd because I have always been a very self-aware person. Why I put that on hold for him, I'll never know. I thought he could fill a void in my life I guess. I was wrong. Only I can fill that void.

Though my H never found out, I am making a supreme effort to make our M as good as possible. I now realize that I gave up on him, not the other way around. Yes we have issues, but who doesn't? And I now know that any issues I would have by getting together with exMM would have far outweighed the issues with my H (mainly because his W found out and he has a kid, but also character defects that I overlooked temporarily but wouldn't be able to long-term).

Thank you for letting me see that there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I have forgiven myself, and am working on healing. I know I will still think of him, but I am praying for the day when its not hourly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
In reply to: iknowitstime
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 5:09pm
(((DALLAS))))

Thanks so much for the update! You are doing GREAT and are an inspiration to me. Keep up the good work and stay strong!

I look forward to hearing about your success!!

:)

Love,

Lily
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
In reply to: iknowitstime
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 5:33pm
Thanks Lily! How are you doing???

I think the turning point for me was the one call I made to him 3 weeks ago. I know I should not have broken NC, but it confirmed that he wasn't leaving the W, and he didn't appear to have any regrets about going back to the W and kid. I needed to know that...and its not even like I really wanted him back (in my head) by that point, but I guess in a way, stupidly, I did (in my heart)...now I can fully let go and not look back.

I was very conflicted for some time after he left...I saw the flaws and the problems and the issues but still missed him and wondered if we couldn't have made a life together...I guess I was so deluded that I needed one MORE reality check. I wish I hadn't, but apparently I did. I wish I'd been stronger, but I accept that I was not.

I am so much better off now that he's gone. I didn't realize how much he was dragging me down. I got so used to my emotions being in turmoil, that for the first few weeks, the absence of that turmoil made me feel almost numb. I had trouble adjusting back to "real life". The void of our near constant communication, I now had to fill. But I am on track and focused on my future...and seeing his posts online today, while they upset me in a way, didn't affect me nearly as badly as they would have a few weeks ago.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
In reply to: iknowitstime
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 7:10pm

Dallas,


YOU SOUND AWESOME!!!!!! I am so happy for you! I hope you will stick around to inspire the rest of us!


I know what you mean about OM dragging you down...mine did too. Actually, I did it to myself because I put so much time and energy into trying to figure him out. I already feel better, but I'm looking forward to being totally over it and putting this all behind me. Most of our "whatever" was so on and off, that I've done more worrying and wondering than anything else! But it was a great weekend, and a good day. I think I'll be ok this week! One day at a time, right?


Anyway, congrats again! You sound so together! Yay!


HUGE HUGS!


Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: iknowitstime
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 8:00pm

Welcome back, IKIT. Your candor and directness may be the reality check quite a few here need to hear. Although, being a former fence-sitter I might disagree with the use of the term "He is exactly like every other cheating man." A lot of anguish and self-delusion went into creating the fence-sitting role I chose for myself. That having been said, it IS possible to change from a fence-sitter to an active decision maker.


BTDT.


Thanks for your very true words of advice to the rest of the women looking for a solid foundation for their decisions.


You speak from the heart and you speak the truth.