Update and Grumbling

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Update and Grumbling
15
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 1:07am
Ever since I first got MM's e-mails on Sunday night I have been thinking about him. Not constantly mind you, but more than I want to be. Damn, damn, damn. Is that cursing? Anyway, as you all know, he did contact me, and I'm trying to figure out how to handle it. So far I have done nothing. Well, that's not entirely true. I very indirectly replied to his phone call via my Web site. He acknowledged my reply, which really wasn't much of anything. Just an acknowledgement that I had gotten his message and knew where he would be.

So ... I am so angry now. I am also tempted to write to him. But I'm also afraid. Those of you who know what I've been through in the last four months (and before that) know that I don't want to get pulled back into affair hell. After everything I've been through how can I even contemplate the possibility? Why am I so afraid of getting pulled back in?

So I haven't contacted him. I don't know what to say. What is there to say, right? As far as I know he is still married. Nothing has chnaged. He's just doing one of these MM numbers. I knew it would happen. It's not unusual that they make contact around two to three months. What exactly does he expect? It burns me up how he can be so casual in his hello. It burns me up that he wrote: I want to be with you and I will be, God willing. That's so arrogant! Why does he assume I still want to be with him? I want so much to ask him this. I also want to find out which century and/or lifetime he intends to be with me in ... and I also want to know what the heck he means by "be with you". No mention of marriage there. No mention of divorce. Yuck.

I don't need this in my life, do I? I was making great progress, now I feel like I'm back in the dumps, worrying, wondering, waiting. Look at me. Somebody give me a good kick in the rear. Somebody tell me I'm better than this. Somebody tell me I deserve better. Somebody tell me I need to go on with my life and ignore this man. I can't believe that only a short time ago I was living like this every day, waiting, worrying, wondering.

There's nothing wrong with me. I shouldn't be worried about what he'll think about me, what he'll think about my not replying. That's his problem. If he can't understand that I don't want contact as long as he's married, why would I want to be with him? I need someone who respects me and treats me well. We all do, and we shouldn't settle for less.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 1:31am
You know what? I think you should keep posting and keep grumbling! To us! I know how much you want to tear him to shreds and then pick up the pieces and kiss him back to life! BTDT! His message to you was so manipulative though! I'm not quoting it but he said something about going on a trip and in case he died???..... Baby girl! What's his game? He may have a very honest game going but, he's messing with your head! Just say no! You know where to find me if you want to chat! I'm signed in!

Love You! L.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 7:07am
There's NOTHING I can say that you don't already know. You DO deserve respect and someone who is all yours and treats you well. You ARE better than this, you DO deserve better, you WILL go on with your life and ignore this still-married selfish man.

We've all lived with the waiting and worrying and obsessing every moment of every day - and even when we have a brief relapse, it is also a good reminder of why we NEVER want to go there again...

Be strong IAD - he is not worthy of an incredible woman like you...

Glinda

Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 10:40am
This is the thing with contact isn't it - it just throws your emotions for a loop. Makes you wonder how far you really had come.

IAD - I think you've done so well. You're a very strong person to have made the progress you have. Ask yourself what is best for you. Are there things that you left unsaid? If not, then maybe not responding is the best thing. Actions speak louder than words. I always find it very hard not to repond to messages so I'm very impressed with those OW that don't even answer. Do what is right for you. Don't get sucked back to where you were, whatever you do. Don't ever go back there.

You'll feel better once you make your decision.

Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 10:49am
I do understand your frustration. And you are right. They do continue to try. But you know what their trying gets you. So, rather than just leaving the door open, you might just write something like... "are you still married????????????????????, because if so and as long as you are, there is really NOTHING for us to talk or continue to dream about. God is willing to help those who take steps to help themselves." Signed, Sincerely. That is exactly what I would do. You are not his fix all, shoulder to lean on, person to run to because he is feeling needy, woman to take advantage of. Bottomline is he needs to get his life together, JUST LIKE YOU ARE, without each other's help. Nothing healthy can come from being together while his marriage is still in the mix.

Hugs and love to you. Keep your chin up and remember, YOU DO DESERVE SO MUCH MORE! And if he hasn't got the courage to give you more, then you need him about as much as you need a hole in the head.

GT

Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 11:03am
If you decide not to respond, that's fine and it will certainly show him your strength and resolve. The reason I suggested contact in my last response to you was due to the fact that I believe when there is no response, some men take that as a challenge to get you to respond and they sit bewildered as to why they can no longer get to you. By sending what I suggested, it reconfirms your desire for no contact and closes the door. Will it mean he will never try again? Maybe not. But at least he will know exactly where you stand. You see, the fact that you haven't responded is driving you nuts and causing you all this rediculous frustration. So in my mind, sending a response and keeping your resolve closes the door to your frustration, regardless of what he does as a result.

Hope this makes some sense to you because I am a firm believer in no contact and feel it is the only step that works when you are trying to "get over" the emotional connection that keeps you stuck. I just feel you are beyond that place and will be fine as long as the contact does not continue.

I'm sure you appreciate the fact that he misses you etc, however it certainly doesn't outweight the progress you've made without him as long as he is married.

Hang in there! We are pulling for you. I say do it. Tell him what for in a very kind and compassionate, yet stern way.

GT

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 11:13am
Thanks, GT. And thanks to all of you for your continued support and advice. I agree that not responding may not be the best idea in this case because he may see it as a challenge. But I think the key is to not worry about what he thinks or feels. I am going to put off responding until I feel ready to, until I have come up with the perfect two or three sentence response.

The Lord helps those who helps themselves might not be a bad response, given that he brought God into the equation.

Who knows what's going on with him. I am not sure I'm strong enough to resist him which is why I'm putting off responding. I'm glad you think I am, but I'm not sure I am. I know how easy it can be for one e-mail to lead to two, then three, then a phone call and each step of the way you're thinking, "Only one e-mail won't hurt" and all that.

I am still reluctant to say something firm like: If you're still married, please don't contact me. I will probably continue to obssess about this for a few days, and it's a good reminder of how I used to live each day while I was involved with him.

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 11:20am
Thanks, SB. Hugs to you. In his phone message he said that he wanted to let me know he loves in case "we go down in flames" were his exact words. Yes, that is pretty manipulative.

Thanks for allowing me to grumble. I've been working late, and haven't been able to get to IM lately. I will look for you when I can.

These men! Why don't they find something meaningful to do with their lives?

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 11:22am
Good post, Glinda. Thanks for taking the time to write it. I especially like the phrase "still-married selfish man" because he really is quite selfish and quite arrogant to think he can just get back with him as if all the pain and hurt had never happened.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 11:35am
Hey there...sounds like you already know whats best for you...keep on walking. I actually agree with GT's post, as that is what I have planned to do IF my ex aMM contacts me...simply ask "are you still married". If the answer is yes then say buh bye! What more could possibly be said?? Hang in there girl...you've been so strong...keep it up!

Cin

Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 11:45am
Okay I see where you are coming from and btdt. Perhaps your best response is no response however, I have to be honest here. Why are you reluctant to tell him that as long as he is married, you want no contact? Sometimes it isn't as simple as saying just that, because if there was an emergency situation or something happening that was life threatening, surely you would want to know. So maybe he was just experiencing some guilt over what he has done to you and thought about life ending and felt the need to try to right his wrong or make amends. If you believe that is where he is coming from, then I would just let it go and not respond. But with all he said, I have a tendency to believe he is attempting to manipulate you. He spoke to you about the two of you being together, but does he even have a clue of what that is going to take? Is he looking at the reality of it? That is what he needs to do because REALITY IS WHAT REALITY IS and I don't believe you care to go back down Maybe Road just to find yourself in Fantasyland again.

Hugs to you.

GT

Pages