Update... and hopefully some hope...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2003
Update... and hopefully some hope...
5
Mon, 02-09-2004 - 10:10am
It has been a while since I have posted. I haven't posted that long, basically started intense posting after Thanksgiving, those of you that aren't familiar with my story can take a look back in the archives. It's been almost 2 months of contact for me. I ended the affair, after a solid year, because his wife was about to find out. I still consider xMM my one true love in this life and he will most likely always be in my heart. I sobbed everyday for I don't know how long about him and the loss of dreams. Over time, I would only cry once a day, then every other day... and I have to honestly say he doesn't "cosume" me anymore. The last few years I have cringed when my H would want to touch me or be close to me, and especially after the A started I didn't want to have anything to do with him (for lots of past problems). But you know what... I have really tried to put 200% of myself back into him and our marriage, not really wanting to at times, and he hasn't even been all that responsive. But, to make a long story short, last night was the first night in I can not tell you how long, that I went to be (H was already asleep) and willingly put my arms around him to be close to him. He then turned around and put his arms around me and kissed me on my forehead. As if this was something he had been waiting for, for years. I'm still struggling with xMM, in fact just this morning I had a very good cry session... but those sessions are getting few and far between. I actually have a renewed love for my H... but it has also taken a lot of work on my part and a lot of communication. No... he still has no clue about the affair. Sometimes I want to tell him and then other times I think there is no way I could hurt him like that, especially if we are already rebuilding.

Anyway, for those of you that are just beginning NC or contemplating NC, I just want you to know there is hope... and brighter days are ahead. It still hurts, but I actually see myself moving one step forward, everyday, small steps, though still steps just the same.

Hugs for ALL!!!

~Serenity

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
Mon, 02-09-2004 - 1:29pm
Thanks for the note of hope. I do remember reading your story. It's been 3 months NC for me and XOM and I can hardly tell it is better. In fact, this last weekend was really hard and I seriously thought of taking some pills to put myself out of my pain. But I didn't have the courage...well maybe the real courage is going on without him. The difference in your story and mine is that he ended it, not me, after "waiting" for me for about a year. (I'm M, he's not.) When he left he said he would be in touch but I am slowly giving up. I find the best thing for me is to keep busy and to vent here. I can't keep busy 24-7 though, so the sadness creeps up.

As for my H, who knows what will happen there. I am amazed that you can rekindle your love, and am happy for you. I am still in the position of believing XOM is the only true love for me.

Thanks so much for taking the time to keep in touch with us and to offer some encouragement.

I'm truly happy for your progress!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2003
Mon, 02-09-2004 - 2:03pm
Hi Careful... let me tell you that I do still believe that xMM is my one true love and the one for me. I guess another difference is that your xOM is single and available to you, should you decide to leave your H, but mine never was. He has 5 children that he is staying for, from a few months to 8yrs old... he could never leave. However, I couldn't either, I have a son 16 months old that adores his daddy, and his daddy absolutely adores him. xMM and I grieved SO VERY MUCH over having to end it. We didn't do it cold turkey at first or intentionally at first, there were certain circumstances that made our contact less and less and less... so we started to grieve even before the official NC started, for about 3 months I would say. When I started NC he was not wanting to do it (neither was I, but I didn't want his W finding out) and I think after a week, then two, and then three of not hearing from me, I think he realized that I was serious. Even though during that time I cried SO much and SO hard, wanting to break NC soooo many times. At week 5 of NC I found out that he was moving and he was going to leave and not tell me. That really hurt, but then I had to ask myself, why would he tell me. I was the one that started NC and actually held to it for once, as much as I was hurting he was hurting as well. Now I have absolutely no way of getting in contact with him, even if I wanted to. Also, about my H, we still have a LONG way to go, but I guess I just meant that last night was the first time in years that I even had an ounce within me that wanted to try and make this thing work... because I won't and can't leave. xMM will always be in my heart and to this day is the absolute love of my life and honestly the only true love I have ever known, and that is what made letting go so difficult. However, I'm trying to move on... trying to find a balance in holding on to some of the wonderful memories and cherish them and yet, letting so much of it go. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever done, EVER!!! I'm so glad this board is here!! We will all make it!!!!

~Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Mon, 02-09-2004 - 7:24pm
Great post. Great news. Great progress.

(and you have a cool screen name!)

I love to see other people preach the NC gospel!!! (Try it free for 60 days... it works!)


Way to go, serenityhopefaith!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Mon, 02-09-2004 - 11:12pm
I read through the posts and could relate with the first one then all after that. It takes so long to take steps into healing. I know it has been over a year since the A began but just months of NC. I guess Im not even sure when the actuall NC date started. The is a good thing. I lost a lot having this affair. I don't think I can think of anything that benifited me by doing it. I still pay every day for the snowball I have created for myself. It is getting better. I don't lose many nights of sleep anymore, I don't cry for hours and hours a day. At one point I had lost my bottom eyelashes on one eye from crying. I took pills just to end up in the hospital for the holidays. Nothing did me any good until one day I just decided im not going to do this anymore. I have kids (lost one from my behavior over this last year)so 4 kids just 3 living with me. When I came home from the hospital my 15 year old daughter made me a CD with songs I guess she thought I would relate with and songs she liked. I put it in for the first time today and had myself a good SOB. Its been a long time, but like the last post it goes from all day, to once a day to just sometimes. There are some things that don't think will ever leave me, that I will never be able to forget. I also have so many questions I would like answered but I have come to the point that I know nothing will help, just move on.

I have been putting all my energy into trying to change my life style (getting off the couch) and fixing up my home. I am going to move within the next year. Then I also always had a Mastiff breeding dream. I have two now that are just the love of my life but I finally put my deposit down on my third, the one that can breed with my male. That makes me really happy.

Still plugging along

Just wanted to leave a reply of understanding.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2003
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 9:32am
I am now going on my 12th day of NC. XMM ended it then we got back then ended it again. He couldn't decide between me or his wife(who had left 3X already) So after his last stunt I decided I couldn't put up with this emotional rollercoaster anymore and just ignored him. It is tough because we work together and I either hear him or see him everyday. Soon he will be working directly with me so it will be even tougher. Keep up the NC I highly recommend it, it definately is easier when they are not fogging your head with stories.

R