Update - back from vaca with DH
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| Mon, 03-28-2005 - 7:37am |
Sorry its taken so long to write, but I've been struggling to figure out what I wanted to say. Here it is: So, DH and I went on a 5 day vacation last week. If you haven't seen any of my earlier posts, I was really nervous of going because I had just told him a week prior that I had an EA and that there was some physical involved too (no details and made it very clear that there was no IC, no kissing, etc.) I knew he was extremely upset but he didnt get overtly angry, no yelling screaming, but just became very silent and would tell me it hurts but not much more. He kept asking "why", and I would say that I don't know other than there is a void somewhere in the marriage and instead of trying to fix it within I sought outside. He still didn't seem to understand the implications especially the emotional A part. His view is that I should be allowed to have friends that I talk to about emotional/deep stuff and though I developed feelings from that connection, he doesn't think its a factor of the marriage. We then went to our first couples T session and his thoughts following it were: I will do anything to help this marriage so if going to T helps you, then we should continue. I told him that it has to be important for both of us otherwise there is no point in us going.
In any event, the next day we left for vacation (it was planned way before I had told him of the A) We had a fantastic time together. He did not bring the subject of the A up and I didn't either. It was if we were transported out of the "real world" for a week and forgot all the troubles we had left behind. Now, when I say we had a good time, it was the good times we have always had when we are together without the stresses of life. However, the one thing that I was attracted to in OM - his ability to think and ask questions about the world, to understand the feelings of depression and all the other emotional topics that made me feel close with OM -- was still missing.
OK. So this is where I am at and it's a bit weird. Before the trip I was so insistent on couples T and working through our marriage. Now I feel like it was so simple and life went on perfectly weel without us talking about it and pretending it didnt exist. In our one conversation about it since the vacation, I really wanted to downplay everything that happend. The more I thought about the A, it suddenly became clear to me (or my imagination made it clear to me, I can't tell the difference), that maybe the problem is that I have an obsessive type personality. That I had this wonderful friendship with a friend I became close with 4 mons ago, and I mixed up the feelings of friendship with attraction. If I think back to the days when OM and I hung out, it was always me who sought out plans, me who wondered why he didnt email back, me who wondered why he wouldnt call...but maybe the truth is that all of this was one sided in my brain. That I was investing more thoughts and feelings and building up the so-called relationship in my head. I can't tell anymore what is real and what was made up in my thoughts. I mean, I am not totally crazy, we did spend a lot of time together and our conversations were very intense but just because I had feelings, does that mean it was an A or was it me just being obsessive of another man? (still not proper for a marriage but seems less harmful? what do you think?)
So, there was NC with OM for the last 10 days but mostly circumstantial - me being away for 5 days and him being on a biz trip for a week. Today we will both be at work.
Any thoughts or am I really just going crazy?

SP
Boundries set them and keep them, you seem to have selected to forget that you watch each other masterbate, that crossed some serious lines, I am not sure what I would call it affair or something else, BUT it was a BIG NO NO and if yu cannot set and keep boundries with this man you should be having NOTHING to do with him.
Free
My A was an ea for quite awhile before it became a pa. We talked about sex a lot before anything happened. So you were definately heading in that direction. You don't get there right away. I think that you are justifying it now in your mind. Most of an A takes place in your mind anyways, it is all fantasy. Could that be why you are so confused and don't know what is real or what is pretend? You think you did the initiating but guys that are manipulative can make it seem that way to keep you hooked. If they are good and they know your weaknesses it can take you a very long time to figure out the mind games they use on you.
I can really relate to your relationship with your H. My H tells me you like those deep conversatoins and I don't like that kind of thing. He is not jealous and doesn't mind me having friends who are guys although he always hated xmm. Although at one time h and I were best friends. I really think he is the love of my life. Working on my marriage is my main focus now but sometimes I don't think he understands just how serious this is. I am so tempted to tell him everything so he will know how close I came to throwing our life together away and not downplay it when I tell him that I am unhappy or I have needs that are not being met. But I am afraid because once I tell him I can never take it back. I don't want to hurt him either. I just want to get my meeds met from him.
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ST,
10 days of NC, absolutely fanstastic, another 10 more days
max
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Just keep your Spanish train going in the opposite direction of his little Choo Choo ;)