Update from Clarice

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Update from Clarice
8
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 12:32am

I have not posted on this board since last July. A lot has happened.

I was told, that if my marriage didn't improve, after ending my A with XMM, the pattern was, that i would probably start another A with another married man. That happened.

Now, having enlisted in two affairs, i realized that I could, absolutely, no longer stay in my marriage. What in the world was I doing? So, i report that my H and i have separated, after 18 years. We decided to do so a month ago. He moved into a leased home, about 2 blocks away from where we live, over the weekend. I feel nothing about this, except relief that it is finally over. We told our children, boys ages 10 and 7, over the weekend. They took it extremely well. They knew.

I did successfully end my relationship with the XMM i wrote so much about here over the last 2 years. It was very, very hard. I still hear from him; he calls me to talk about not much at all. About a month ago, he called to say: I still think about you. To which i replied: yes. I know. And that was that. I see him from time to time and i can't say i feel too much. There has been too much pain. I have to say that i am honestly grateful for his presence in my life. He was the watershed of all that has happened since. Thank God, he came along and helped me see all that i was missing. I will be forever grateful to him for that.

I entered into my second affair last October/November. This, unlike the last unconsummated one, is a real, full fledged affair. It started slowly, but is now in full swing. Sadly, this man is 15 years my senior--56 years old--and in a very, unhappy marriage of 8 years.

I thought one affair was enough. But then there was two--and i am smarter for the experiences of the first. But, i knew, after starting the second A, I just couldn't do it anymore.

My brother, who was 48, died in January. He often posted to this board--as docsink. He was so worried about me over the last year, he would try and communicate with me here. He knew everything about what was going on with me--and he fully supported me. He was diagnosed in October needing 2 organ transplants. He died waiting for those at a university hosptial on the east coast.

His death helped me understand that life is too short to just settle. My children were the only reason i was staying in my loveless marriage all these years. But now i know, I can make their life great even as a single parent. It will just require that much more work. I can do it!

I did it, you guys. I left. I am OK. The children are OK. I know this second A won't last forever either and i am OK with that. In time, i will be healthy enough to meet a single man and fall in love. It is just going to take some time.

This board was an amazing lifeline to me for many, many months. I meet whoever reads this on their journey whereever they are. It's hard. Some things will stay the same--others will change. But at least we are not inert. At least we are trying, all of us, to get more out of this life, than the minimal simply offered.

Clarice

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 10:01am

Dear Clarice: I remember you and your story so well. First, I'm so so sorry to hear about the loss of your brother, and at such a young age. Life can be really tough. I hope you're healing from that as well as can be expected.

You've crammed an awful lot of activity into just a few months, haven't ya, clarice? Last I remember you were anticipating the end of little league. So you weren't able to rebuild with the H, huh? I don't remember much about your marriage, except I guess we can conclude that at least half of us that become involved in As aren't happy enough in our marriage to stay. I'm glad that you had an "epiphany" and decided to move on. I give you alot of credit taking on the single mother thing, but it sounds like you've got such a positive attitude and good energy, I'm sure that, although trying at times, you will be tremendously fulfilled.

I have consistently been working on my marriage and we're doing great. I could almost say it's never been better or stronger. We both learned so much from individual therapy, and me from working the 12-steps. I ended my a few weeks more than 1 year ago and except for occasional pauses haven't really looked back. As recently as my birthday in November I was still receiving the very occasional text message, then he disappeared. I haven't heard a word since, and that's okay with me.

He lives on a very main street and I can choose to drive past his house if I want without being noticed. Initially, I avoided his street and took tons of contorted side roads to stay away. Now, I could care less so I drive by. I notice that he is hardly ever at home and that tells me he's probably moved on to his next AP. Whatever.

I remember this summer there was a group of woman on this site that helped me so much, including you, of course. I was so glad to see an update. I still think about you, my friend. Wishing you lots of love and happiness! Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 2:26pm

I hope that you are in therapy for your poor coping skills. I think therapy will help you determine what your part was in the end of your marriage; what mistakes you made and why you choose to cope with stress by cheating.

Until you find out why you cheat, and it is not blaming your stbx husband, but why YOU chose to cope this way, you will be repeating this behavior with all of your future relationships.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 10:05pm

I don't know you, Callistu, but that was a very mean spirited post. I was faithful in my marriage for 16 years and faithful in all relationships prior to that. You don't have any idea why i strayed and have no right to jump to conclusions that it was due to "poor coping skills." It wasn't. Believe me.

Clarice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 10:25pm

Clarice, my condolences on the loss of your brother.


And kudoes for stepping up and realizing that life is indeed too short just to get by within a dead marriage. I remember your posts and your struggles. It seems you've learned alot, even if it did take a 2nd affair to do so. It is interesting to note that your kids are settled and accepting of the split from your husband. Growing up I'm sure they were already aware that things were not well between you and STBX.


Please ignore Callistus' post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 7:07am

I've read about your struggles clarice and while the first affair may have been justifed in your mind, what about the second? Two unhealthy relationships to help you cope with a bad marriage. There are healthier alternatives than doing to others what was done to you that's why I suggested therapy...Because I have been following your story.

You're doing to someone else's wife what your husband and his OW were doing to you...Does that sound like healthy and good coping skills?

Oh, I'm not a betrayed spouse...If I was I would not be posting here.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 11:06am

Hi Clarice,

You don't know me but I've been a regular lurker here for the past 2 years and I had read all of your posts from when you were a regular. I'm glad you and H finally saw the light and seperated. It's the best thing for everyone involved ... including the children. They should see their mother and father happy. As a child, I lived with parents who were not happy and we were actually relieved that they split up and both went on to find the right mates. Us kids were much happier after that to not live in a home full of marital tension, and even worse.

My condolences to you for the death of your brother. How heartbroken you must be. I cannot imagine losing one of my siblings. You will always have a part of him in your soul and the same spirit and blood runs through your veins. May knowing that be a comfort to you and may you carry his legacy forward.

Don't let other posters discourage you from continuing to post ... I hope you stay for awhile. I wondered how you were.

Sincerely,
Torn

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 12:41pm

Clarice,

My condolences for your loss. My heart truly goes out to you. I cant even imagine the pain you are feeling. I am sure that with everything going in on your life that must have been painfully difficult. My prayers and thoughts of strength are being sent your way.

I too have often wondered how you are doing. All I can say is that if in your heart you feel that you have done the right thing for you and for your family then be proud that you had the courage to do what you knew was right. Everyone's situation is different and we are the only ones who know exactly what "we" need to do to be happy in life.

As for that nasty post. I typically dont like to get involved in the back and forth with that....but ignore it (a polite way of me really wanting to say s**ew them). Cynical and mean spirited. Dont let that bother you. You have many supporters on this board and people who think about you often.

Wishing you much strength and inner peace.

It was nice to hear from you.

xo!

Dipss

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 3:48pm
Hey Clarice!! Remember me? :) Dipss told me that you & Mo had posted here, so I thought I would stop in, too. I am so, so sorry to hear about your brother. You have my sincerest condolences. And I am sorry to hear about your separation, too, but in a way I am happy for you because it was clearly time for you to take control of your life again. You'd been unhappy in your M for too long. I'm kind of sad to see that you got involved in another affair, mainly because I think you deserve much more than that, but you'll work it out! :) It is good to hear from you. You were a really big help to me when I really needed it. Take care!!
K.