Update on "CSG"
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| Sat, 06-18-2005 - 7:12pm |
Well, "CSG" has changed from cute single guy to CLINGY single guy. I've had enough of him already and it's only been 1 week. Don't get me wrong, he is probably the sweetest guy I've ever went out with, but OMG I can't do it. He gets out of work at 11pm, calls me every night and we don't get off the phone until 2 am. I get up for work at 6. I always tell him I have to go, I need sleep, but it's hell trying to get him off the phone. He came over last night to watch movies and he didn't leave until almost 5 am. I started trying to get him to leave at 3:30 and that's how long it took before I finally said, "I'm serious, I need sleep, you need to leave". Then he calls me at 8 this morning. I was still in bed and didn't answer my phone. When I was ready to leave my house with my kids this afternoon I found 2 candy flowers on the door handle of my car. I'm assuming they were for my girls. I went to his work to thank him for the candy, and I think that was a mistake. He was just getting ready to go to lunch when I got there and wanted me to go with him. I told him that I just had lunch and wasn't hungry, so of course he thought of something else to do. We went for icecream and just hung out. (couldn't think of a quick enough excuse to get out of it.) When he asked what I was doing tonight I told him that my daughters are having friends spend the night, that I was taking them to the civic center to ride their bikes while I run. He invited himself along. So much for my peaceful "Me" time.
He's told me he's too infatuated to sleep. (we've only been doing this for a week.) He also tells me he misses me all the time. It's getting to gooey for me.
I feel really bad. I know he thinks I really like him. I do, but we are not on the same page here. I don't see myself actually having romantic feelings for him. I know I need to tell him but have no idea how. How do I tell this super sweet guy who hasn't done anything wrong, and is totally into me, that I just don't want to see him anymore? I'm embarrased, I was so excited about this. I don't want to hurt his feelings. HOW DO I BREAK THIS TO HIM???? (and I'm telling ya, all this uncomfortableness make me really miss the comfortable relationship I had with XMM. I HATE that!!!!)
What do I do now???

Pal
Tell him in plain english, sooner is better then later before he gests any more invested.
Do you really want to end it or maybe just slow things down a lot, perhaps you just need to spell out the ground rules for him and det some clear boundraies ?
Good luck
Free
He hasn't done anything to you? You are describing a man who is demonstrating no respect for your time. I assume that if he gets off of work at 11:00 PM that he doesn't have to get up at 6:00 AM like you do. Even if he does, it doesn't mean that you have a lifestyle that can allow you to be up until 2:00 AM. You stated that you try to get off the phone and that he continues to talk. You described having to try for an hour-and-a-half (starting at 3:30 AM) to get him to leave because you needed to sleep and that he continued to stay until you had to flat out tell him to leave at 5:00 AM. You then describe him calling three hours later when you well could have been trying to sleep after his 5:00 AM departure. You also describe him inviting himself along to what sounds like a "mommy" event. I don't think he is a bad guy but it sounds as though he is very needy and that his needs outweigh his concern for your needs to a large degree. He seems okay with you getting very little sleep because his excitement in talking to you is more important. People give big hints as to who they are in the first few weeks that we meet them and it is up to us to see those hints and act on them, one way or another. I haven't found that these types of individuals "cool down" for more than a few days or weeks and again become clingy because they are needy people who attach to others to meet their internal needs.
I have no idea why you would be embarrassed because the whole process of dating is to meet someone, assess if the individual is compatible with us and vice versa, and decide to proceed if it appears to be a healthy fit. You have done just that. You are observing behavior that is problematic for you and are considering breaking off the relationship. That is healthy. I would suggest you do it quickly and decisively because you have seen that he tends to hold on and doesn't get the hint easily, which is typical for this type of personality. I know it appears sweet and he may very well be, but there really isn't anything particularly sweet about ignoring someone else's needs to feed his own. As far as embarrassing, embarrassing is when we all had a "relationship" with a MM and thought it was the be-all and end-all. Now you are involved in real dating issues and there will be a few bumps in the road, but nothing so embarrassing that you can't tell anyone you want about it. You should be proud of yourself. But do yourself a favor and get rid of the guy so you can get some sleep! : )
if you are interested in still seeing him but on a more normal human level (yeah with decent sleep allowed and not in your face everyday at the beginning).....
do what i do with children...instead of saying NO (which when brought to frustration can come out harshly because hell we are frustrated!)....give an alternative...(a choice..which still has interest attached but also not rejection and serves the purpose of honest intent"
for instance...you: "i am taking the kids to the civic center tomorrow" him "well i'll meet you then" (here is the change up) you: "well i can't do that but how about lunch on wednesday?" him " why can't I just come tomorrow?" you: " because I should give time to my kids and I am not comfortable involving them in my dating, its not the time or place for that...i still need to give them my attention...about lunch then on wednesday...i'd still like to do that"
ya know what i mean?
You can also tell him that things that start out intense burn out quicker. To take it as a compliment that you'd like to see him and be with him but to take time as you are not going anywhere and need to make sure you don't burn yourself out in your life with your job and your kids etc. Perhaps ask him "whats the rush darlin?".
Next time he keeps you on the phone longer than you want...don't let the extra minute go by. That is in your control. Finding a nice way to do it when you are fatigued is the harder part. Just use this lil trick and smile when you are saying something...funny how it can really translate over the phone. "aw i really do have to get some sleep..love talkin to you but i am going to get sick and not be able to work if i do this...if we had the same schedule you'd understand i am sure ".
i dont know if i sound stupid or not...that is up to you Pal to know if i do or dont.
He shouldn't be sending your kids' candy etc. Be careful about someone wanting to push their agenda so quick. After a week? Unrealistic. I can understand your frustration and caution. Some people like to act like their lives are a tv drama ...that they are suppose to fit these roles so quickly. Sometimes we have to teach others what life should be like. Perhaps no one has taken the time with him to do so but rather casually walk away. You have to decide how much energy you have for such lessons. (what a quandry) This dating is something that could be great for you right now...if only he would make it more comfy so that you don't yearn for xMM.
::::::::::::Hugs to pal::::::::::::::
Lizzie
Free, Anxietyfree, and lizzie,
Thanks you all for your input. I think you might be right as far as just wanting to slow things down a bit. Ok, a lot!! I noticed something yesterday when he met me for our run. I like him a lot more when he's just being himself, a normal guy not trying to impress me. I really enjoy his company...until night time when he seems to sap up on me. I think maybe I'll have a "slow down" talk with him, and try him out a bit longer. Maybe as a little time passes the sappiness will fade. He's been divorced for 1 1/2 years, and I don't think he's dated much since. I'm not so great at it either.
Anyway, just wanted to say thank you. (And let you know that I actually got some sleep last night. :)
Pal
i was also thinkin' last night Pal, that those whove been in an affair...may be conditioned to "accept" terms because of time etc. I.E. accepting his calls so late, accepting him staying late in your apt. etc. We are not used to pushing away because the only time we had with them was the time given etc.
Time to realign back to normal. If you do not accept this behavior, he still may want to be with you on normal time frames and appropriate amounts. KWIM? Don't be afraid to put your own wants and needs out there. Like i said, you don't have to be so accommodating.
His reaction will be something to look for. I agree with Anxietyfree on many points. But it has only been a week. If you show honest intent, he may as well. Some people follow others' patterns. I had a friend-with-benefit, cross the line regarding calling me alot etc. I made it cool down. He did play along but he wasn't honest. He ended up crossing a bigger line. I dropped him like an anchor. I agree with AnxietyFree about people showing you who they are but perhaps the first week is pre-emptive to make the call ...but do follow her advice about being aware and cautious. Eyes wide open and be present in your own decisions(meaning see how you may allow this kind of behavior by not stating your desire in a normal, timely way aka getting off the phone and not allowing it to go hours further or uninviting him to mommy time and being firm but offering alternatives).
People can only take advantage of us if we let it. I think that hold true for a lot of things.
Keep us posted, thank you for sharing all of this...its fascinating and useful to think about.
Lizzie