Update... DDay, No Anger and Moving On

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Update... DDay, No Anger and Moving On
9
Sat, 08-14-2010 - 1:58am

I posted last week about making a choice to tell DH about A. I really struggled with it but in the end decided that it would be too hurtful to him... that I would just be transferring my hurt onto him.

Fastforward a week. XAP is receiving a DDay unlike the usual. He had many women on a string at once and several of them (not yours truly) decided to initiate a DDay for him. We are former friends and this caused me to have to go through with telling my DH because the aftermath is sweeping my way. I knew when XAP had his DDay, I would be found out.

Now here is my first question. After I tell the minimum story, DH tells me he has known for a few years. He knew it ended, he worked through his anger, he dealt with it in his own way. Says he loves me and we will get through this. I am very thankful... but I am also very suspect/cautious. Really? Can this be right? Is he hiding the anger from himself? Does he really mean what he says. I am struggling with how to deal with this. I feel guiltier than ever.

My second question relates to XAP. When this happens, will he try to drag everyone down with him or will he still deny everything in the face of four plus confessing women? I did not initiate this DDay for him. Will he focus on the few who did or anyone that admitted being on his string? I am trying to retain what little dignity I have left concerning this A and not give facts. none are needed. The others have given plenty. I don't need to prove anything.

All advice welcome.

Amfree


Amfree


"Go confidently into the direction of your dreams! Live the life you always imagined."


~Henry David Thoreau


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sat, 08-14-2010 - 8:38am

Amfree -

Have you had MC with your H? If not, is he open to it? I would just be cautious and make sure he hasn't just buried his feelings - he said he knew for years, but never said anything to you? I know from my experience with my exH - not regarding the A, because we never had a d-day, if we had a problem or an issue he would just close himself off and deal with things in his head. He wasn't a good communicator and that was one of the things that led to our derailment. So I just want to make sure that doesn't happen to you.

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Sat, 08-14-2010 - 8:59am

My DH reacted in much the same way after DDay. And he meant it, but that does not mean that the anger or hurt doesn't bubble up from time to time. You have a long road ahead of you to rebuild your M, but if you are committed to it and work hard and keeping the lines of communication open, you can make it. I had to face a lot of ugly truths about myself- that I was selfish, that I was a coward, that I was not an effective communicator, that I was an avoider... YOu will have to face some hard truths too, but they will all lead to you being a more complete and happier person.

So when your DH does express some emotion, make sure he feels safe in doing so. Create an environment where honesty always wins even when it hurts to do so.

Much luck,

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Sat, 08-14-2010 - 9:01am
He is open to the idea. I just don't get it! In a way, it makes it harder. But I would rather have this than anger I guess...

Amfree


"Go confidently into the direction of your dreams! Live the life you always imagined."


~Henry David Thoreau


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Sat, 08-14-2010 - 9:41am

Amfree,


It sounds like you just need to be grateful for how this has gone down and not worry if XAP gets in touch, or whatever. I doubt he'll do anything only because he is in deep doggie do-do, and will be

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Sat, 08-14-2010 - 10:07am

Dear Free,

I would embrace your husband's reaction - and like Jane warned, be prepared for various emotions to come out from time to time, sometimes seemingly unrelated to the moment you are actually in. My H never responded in anger toward me, hurt yes, anger no. I also believe each partner responds in their own way - my H never took my affair on as a reflection of his inadequacies - only of their differences, and my unresolved issues.

Yes trust was completely and totally destroyed, and even though we are separated now, I work at total transparency ... whether it is about me feeling lonely and like I want to date, EAS or the struggles with ending the A.

I would also get into marriage and individual therapy asap.

My best as you move forward,

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Sat, 08-14-2010 - 1:43pm

I wanted to add something else. There's an incredible depth of intimacy you can achieve now- to realize that your H loves you despite your transgressions- that he knows the whole you and loves you anyway. I have found great comfort in that with my H. I don't have to hide anything. I can be me and work to improve myself everyday with his help.

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2010
Sat, 08-14-2010 - 8:53pm

Free,


My H responded in much the same way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Fri, 08-20-2010 - 10:27pm

The week was okay. I do feel like we are headed in the right direction. I think you guys are right that in the end we may be able to have a M that is even more intimate. He is a great guy.

I gave my soul to a loser and shut out the good guy. I am an idiot.

Now that XAP has had his D Day, will he leave me alone???


Amfree


"Go confidently into the direction of your dreams! Live the life you always imagined."


~Henry David Thoreau


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Fri, 08-20-2010 - 11:18pm

amfree,
you are not an idiot, you just made chocies that didn't turn out to be smart ones. most of us here are not idiots, but we fell into these affairs for one reason or another, and we got caught up, and we wised up, and now we're trying to get out.

i wish i could tell you that your ap will leave you alone now that he's had a D-day, but as a girl whose ap is practically friggin stalking her, i think you need to prepare yourself for both scenarios.

be strong, and have a plan of action in mind. it is possible that he may cling even more tightly to you now that his world has gotten so muddled. in that case, you'll need to keep your guard up and stick to a block and walk hard core no contact procedure. this is wicked hard, but when the ap is vulnerable and craving comfort, he is going to try to get whatever he can from you.

if he DOES leave you alone, then you'll have the aftermath of the A to contend with, as we all do. there's the pain, the hurt, the missing, the rebuilding, the guilt and self loathing, all of that good stuff :) so, keep your wits about you, but know that you already did the hard thing. you took off the rose colored glasses and decided for yourself that ending the A is the smart thing to do.

cheers to you, keep the faith.