update from Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
update from Dee
7
Sun, 12-20-2009 - 6:57am

Hi, Y'all.
I've been moving (with my family, thank god) into a new house. Feeling very blessed by the circumstances. I have a ton of family in town - and they're all staying for a stretch (oy!) -- but anyway, life is good. Broke up with xAP about 6 weeks ago, doing great with NC... even NC in the respect of cyber stalking. I've been way way way too busy (overwhelmed) to be online, and, let me tell you, that has been a god-send! I would totally suggest ditching your online socializing, or even your laptop altogether for a few weeks (except for EAS, of course.) A note regarding a hiccup in my healing; all of the new changes in my life right now are reminding me keenly of how I used to choreograph my entire life around xAP and how deeply my thoughts about him dictated my actions. No longer doing that as left a void that throws me off sometimes. I'm doing a little emotional battle now - it goes like this - I'm moving into my new kitchen, I think of 'what would he think of it' "oh, yah. he'll never see it." (moment of sadness) OR "oh, family dinner party! I think I'll look extra cute so that the photos are nice...(ugh) for _him_ to see." I miss being fawned over and stroked; and xAP blew a lot of validation up my butt, for sure. So, between realizing he's really, really OUT of my life for good and nothing I do or don't do will resonate in his world, or he in mine, it causes waves of sadness (and also a sense of liberation!) - and - I'm trying to be content with the lackluster validation and ego stroking limitations of real-life sans AP.

One last note. Lunesta is NOT working for me. Can't sleep worth a darn, still. Got obsessive think under moderate control during the day, but at 3a.m.? not so much. I really, really resent my subconscious for being such a bitch. it's 3:30 am now, and I just took another pill, which is kicking in, so.... good night and don't like the bedbugs bite.

MIA sorta, sorry. but I wanted anyone who was wondering to know I'm doing well and staying strong. Working the steps, and staying in the moment.

Cheers to you all. Stay strong.
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
In reply to: deeulta
Sun, 12-20-2009 - 10:47am
Great post n happy u r doing so well. I can relate to everything you just said, even the sleep part. I just have way too much time on my hands. But I am realizing some things so similar. I gotta work on cyberstalking. Thx for the update n your suggestions. Happy holidays.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
In reply to: deeulta
Sun, 12-20-2009 - 10:48am

Dee,


>>MIA sorta, sorry. but I wanted anyone who was wondering to know I'm doing well and staying strong. Working the steps, and staying in the moment. >>


Thanks for reporting in. Us Vets love to read when our posters are staying on course and as you wrote, "Working the steps." ;-)

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
In reply to: deeulta
Sun, 12-20-2009 - 11:25am

That is soo wonderful. I'm very glad for you. Your post gives me hope that things will improve for me. This is day 6 for me and I'm doing so-so. Kinda up and down. The cyberstalking isnt helping. I'm really trying to work on that.


Thanks for post. hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
In reply to: deeulta
Sun, 12-20-2009 - 12:25pm
You gals realize that cyberstalking is breaking NC, right?


Christmas Lights



iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
In reply to: deeulta
Sun, 12-20-2009 - 4:03pm

Cyberstalking is totally breaking NC; the result is new hurts and continued obsessive thinking, totally NOT on the road to healing. That is why I've been so happy to not have access or time to be online, it's given me the (forced) break from stalking that I didn't have the will-power to do myself. However, when I go back to work tomorrow, and have lots of time and computer access, I now think I'll be stronger and have a concrete reminder of how liberating and healing it is to 'let it go' and not stalk -- no checking his myspace or facebook, no googling his name and photos. He's a public figure so avoiding him and new info about him is difficult, but not impossible and it's in my power to avoid him if I only commit to the effort. Doing so is all about protecting myself from new hurts, and I really have too much stuff of my own to work on to worry about someone who is no longer in my life and never, ever will be in my life again.

When xAP and I decided on NC, we set a date (Feb 1st) to 'check in' again with each other. Honestly, at first, I was obsessed with that date and daydreamed about how it would go and what would transpire. Not that I would want to re-start the A, but, in the beginning, I WAS very interested in the reconnection and thought it would give me an opportunity to get some closure and answers to questions left unresolved at the ending and that came up during the three months of NC. Now? Not at all. I will NOT be online on AIM waiting for him to log on. I won't answer any email he sends, if he does. And, I no longer feel the need for closure from him. I don't care what he has to say about our A, nor his feelings about NC, nor how he's done since then. Whew! I never thought I'd get to this point, but I HAVE! You hear that newbies??? If you don't know my history, know this: I thought I loved him, I didn't have any big beef with him, I didn't think he was a bad guy - no anger or resentment - just a need and want to end the A and the desire to start my life back on the right track ---- and yet, I am now to the place where I NO LONGER want him in my life at all. I did it, YOU CAN TOO. It WILL happen for you, it will!

Starting my new life, in my new house, or just in general, means that I have no desire to dredge up the past and in any way, shape or form bring him or any element of him and the A into my new life. The only part of this A-past that I need to keep close to my heart and remember and work on is the ME-part, he is not a part of me and not a part of my future so there is no need or desire for future contact with him. I don't have anything against him, and I thought (back then) that it sounded cold or callous to say, "I never want to see or hear from him again." but, it ISN"T. it's just the truth. There is no place for him in my life and now I fully realize that. The only result from contact from him would be pain, confusion, remorse and grief. Why would one volunteer for that?

I DO have a few challenges left to conquer, ok, A LOT left to conquer - but, specifically this one thing is this: his xAP, before me, (I KNOW, Right! geez!), anyway, she's also a public figure with a public facebook and she is and always has posted less-than-vague references to him that have plagued him and me to no end. I am terrified, and so is he, that this dumb bunny will 'out' him - which would lead to a D day with his W, and if she were to find out about the old xAP, she'd also find out about ME. It wouldn't be hard to do. So, this is the price I pay for who I got involved with and what I did. I pray there will never be a D day, as we all do who are still living in secret. And I MUST try to stop obsessing about it; I check her facebook and see if the storm is on the horizon and I just don't know how to let that go. I'm paranoid as sh*t. It's like waiting for the other shoe to drop and it keeps my anxious and upset - it's the only thing that continues to torment me about the past coming back to bite me. I don't know what to do or how to stop it. (sigh) consequences are a B*tch!

Thanks to all of you for the support; I really need it and I hope that something I might post will resonate or help someone else.

Peace to all,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2008
In reply to: deeulta
Mon, 12-21-2009 - 9:23am

Great to hear your update.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
In reply to: deeulta
Tue, 12-22-2009 - 4:39am

Hi Dee!


I was wondering how you were doing. I haven't been on much myself just been busy as a bee. You sound much busier. Moving during the holidays has to be very stressful!


Nights were the worst for me too. Tylenol PM and Benadryl(when I took it for my allergies# worked best for me...but then again I'm a feather weight...no tolerance built up.


This exercise sometimes worked for me because I'm a visual person. I would imagine myself in a hallway with many doors (and no Iddy and Clarity there is no clown in this scenario!). As thoughts would come into my head, I would imagine they were things coming out of

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.