Update: Ending your affair CAN happen!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2006
Update: Ending your affair CAN happen!
9
Mon, 05-10-2010 - 11:01am

Hello Everyone,


Many of you many not rememeber me. I used to post on here all the time a couple years ago. I was in love with a married man, and it was making my life miserable. I couldn't see wanting or being with anyone but him.


Anyway, for those of you that do remember me, AND for those of you that are going through the same things I went through back then, I just want to update and tell everyone that the affair is OVER!


September 2008 made almost 3 1/2 years that I had been seeing the married man. He promised me over and over that he would leave his wife and we would end up together. He also promised that he was in love withme and no longer in love with her. Later he claimed he was in love with us both. Then finally, he started saying he didn't think he really knew what love was and if he had ever really been in love with anyone. It was my lowest point, I hated myself for the affair and felt like I went against everything I believed in because I am a Christian. It really tore me apart. It was a low point for me, I began seeing a therapist (which by the way REALLY helps) and started taking antidepressants. It was great to be able to confess what I had done to someone and have someone help me sort it all out. I was a mess, and somedays I felt like I simply couldn't get out of bad.


Then something happened. There was a message on the married mans machine form another woman (NOT his wife) who was telling him how much she loved and missed him and couldn't wait til he was away from his wife so she could be with him. I guess it was stupid for me to believe that he didn't have anyone besides me and his wife. That was a turning point for me. I called him and confronted him about it. He then pretty much told me I could still be in his life but she would be too. That is what ended it. I know this sounds stupid, but even though he had a wife, I truly believed he loved and was in love with me. When I found out there was another woman, I then realized it was all about sex for him and that I was not willing to be one of many. I cried my heart out the day that happened (it was my birthday and the most miserable i've ever had!) and then I was determined to move on.


A month later I started seeing someone else - someone who was single and available! I got back to doing the things that I loved, things that I never did while I was with him. When i was with him,

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2009
Mon, 05-10-2010 - 11:36am

Mistress,


Thank you for coming back and telling us about your success. There can never be enough positive energy.


Congrats on your success and good luck.


MB

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2010
Mon, 05-10-2010 - 11:53am

Dear M


I want to thank you for coming back! I am new here and the pain is still great. It gives me hope to know

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Mon, 05-10-2010 - 12:41pm

Hi M1L- Thank you for posting this. As a new tweener, it helps to hear these success stories so I know all of the pain eventually does go away. It's the success stories here that keep me moving forward.


Hugs,


Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2006
Mon, 05-10-2010 - 12:44pm
For me, the worst part was going through it alone. When you have a breakup in a "normal" relationship, you can be sad openly and people understand that your heartbroken and they try to comfort you. When you have a secret affair for three years and it ends, you can't go around acting heartbroken because nobody else knows about it. I had to go to work, to school, see family and friends and pretend to be happy and pretend there wasn't anything wrong. I would end up in the bathroom at work crying sometimes and I would go home and cry for hours. Three years was a long time to be with someone considering that I was only 20 years old when it started. It was my only "long term relationship" - I put it in quotations because I don't even know that you can consider yourself to be in a relationship with someone who is already promised to someone else. I also wouldn't date while I was with him. People asked me out all the time and people tried to fix me up all the time and I made countless excuses as to why I couldn't. Once, he told me that he couldn't give me what I needed and I should just go out with others -so I did. I saw this one guy for a month and the married man showed up at my place one night after a date crying and saying he felt like he was losing me. I immediately broke it off with the guy I had been dating. Of course later, I regretted it. Having a secret is the hardest part I believe.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2010
Mon, 05-10-2010 - 2:46pm
Thanks so much for sharing your amazing story. It gives me hope. Keep on in the direction you are going. Love to you~~~

~~Serenity~~


Better than a thousand hollow words is one word that brings peace. ---Buddha

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Mon, 05-10-2010 - 3:03pm

Thanks, Mistress!! You took the words right out of my mouth. 5 years out now, and I, too, look back on it and shake my head. I see my former AP now and then in social settings and all I can think is, "Really?". How in the world did I ever get involved in having that dirty little secret? Ugh.

To all you beginners.....listen, listen, listen, and BELIEVE!!!! There is life after an affair. In fact, being in an affair is no way to live.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2010
Mon, 05-10-2010 - 9:20pm

This

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 4:13am

I am so greatful for this thread. Although I am still feeling that raw pain I had a moment of hope by just reading your stories of success. Right now I am seeing nothing but darkness around me. I feel like a part of me has died and I feel like this pain will just NOT go away. Nothing will please me.. I just want to stay in bed until this is all over. I feel too weak emotionally to even put on that smile to my loved ones who are there and want nothing but happiness for me... but I avoid them...

But for the first time in a LONG time and yes I am referring to even when I was in contact with XAP ( I was even more miserable when in contact with him) I feel a glimmer of hope. Means a lot to me. It makes me all the more reason to continue with NC. I just want to be done with it. I did end it with him but it is still on-going with me. I still fantasize about him and I still have CRAZY thoughts that we were meant to be. So the affair is still living in my head. I need to end that now LOL.

BIG thank you for sharing your success story with us :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 12:30pm

Oh Livex, it does get better, I promise. It just does. I know that fear, I know that darkness. It consumes you, its almost like you can not breath, we are here for you and I am happy that you have hope in you, please come here and post and know that it does get better. Please do not suffer alone, we are truly here for you, vent, do whatever you need to...know that you have a bunch of women here pulling for you.

Luvin

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida