Update on Lilah's situation

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Update on Lilah's situation
8
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 12:09pm
I've been without a PC for a couple of days... They were moving me. Now I'm near MM. I run into him when I go to the bathroom, when I go down the hall to see someone about something, you name it. There's no getting away from him. Anyway, last time I posted here I was not speaking to MM. I was angry that every phone conversation we had was initiated by me, every time we visited, it was *I* who went to see him, etc. So right after I posted here, I was walking toward my soon-to-be-new office and he was going into the bathroom. He stopped and waited for me and asked, kindly, what was the deal? So I told him, point blank, that I wasn't going to chase after him anymore. That he needed to give a little to our friendship too. He said he hadn't visited in a while because there were new (weird) people down where I was working at that time and he felt uncomfortable. He also said he's been busy but I told him that was bull -- that there's no way he's been busy for two and a half months straight. He promised to do better. He tried to call me later that day and then again on Friday morning but I was moving. I did see him on Friday and here's the situation as it stands now...

My New Year's Resolution was not to feed this monster and I plan to stick to that but he's not making it easy. Every time I see him, every conversation I have with him, he just stares at me like he is star struck, like I'm the most beautiful woman in the world. I keep talking as though I don't notice and eventually he stops, but Friday he just came out and said, "You're so pretty." He also touched me on my bare back when I was standing near him. Each time he asks, "I shouldn't have done that, should I?" With the touch I just shrugged and said, "I'm not the person to answer that question." With the compliment, I said, "I'm not going to turn down a compliment." That's when he got really disturbed and said, "Don't you want me anymore?" I said, "Yes, but I've come to the realization that nothing can be done about it. EVER. So what's the point?" He said, "Ever is a long time." I changed the subject and that was that. The problem is, he specifically told me a while back that when I don't respond to his come-ons, it makes him try harder because it's a challenge. I don't WANT him to try harder. I want to stay where we are now, with him looking at me like that every time he sees me, with him telling me how beautiful I am, but NOT with us talking about what we want to do to each other. I just want to stay on the other side of that line. Is that possible? Because if I give in and go down that same path I've gone down before over and over again, in a couple of weeks he's not going to be speaking to me again and I'm going to be crying all the time. I'm trying to break the cycle. Am I on the right path??? I just don't know if I'm qualified to string a guy along, only giving him just enough of me to keep him interested.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 2:14pm

<>


Let me get this straight.

Iknowitstime

(and so do you)

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 2:59pm
Lilah, I am not sure what you want out of this situation but it doesn't sound like you are making an effort to end anything. It sounds like you are pissed off that he isn't giving you the attention that you want and that you are inviting him back into your life. I understand how you cannot do NC given that you work in the same office...however, you are not even close to ending this thing if you are annoyed when he doesn't speak to you or give you attention. I know that sucks to hear, but maybe staying "friends" is not possible given your physical attraction to one another. Just my humble opinion.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 6:40pm
Yeah, I know you're right. We're just between a rock and a hard place here and I don't know what to do. We are both attention hogs and I guess I feel like if we can just use this as a way to feed our egos, maybe no one will get hurt. I'm NOT going to sleep with him or kiss him again or do any of that. I made a promise to myself. So what's my other option? To resist the urge to call him and tell him I am fantasizing about doing those things. To avoid the conversations. I can have a crush on him and dream about him, but when I tell him about all that, the cycle begins anew. I feed it, he feeds it, soon we're talking about meeting at a park or something. I just can't do it. I can't deal with the hurt that would come afterward. (We've never been physical aside from a couple of kisses.) I just don't know what to do. Yes, I enjoy the attention but I don't intend to give it back to him aside from a little flirting, which is what I did before all this started...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 7:35pm

"Attention hog"? Sounds rather like you re using low self-esteem and low self-respect to continue your dance with MM. Note I have written it as MM, not xMM. because from your post it doesn't seem that you really are being intentional in ending your affair.........


I wish you well, adn hope you decide to tell stbxMM DIRECTLY that the affair is over and you value yourself too much to settle for crumbs in a part-time relationship. That means anything you say in conversation in him going forward is what you'd say to him in front of your H/BF (I don't remember if you're married). You know, above board and not something you need to hide from anyone else..........


Good luck in completely valuing yourself and ending your affair..........


cl-nre


Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 8:02pm
Yeah well, I am living proof that a little bit of flirting can wind up in a crapload of trouble......You seem to want to convince yourself that you have this whole thing under control and that you can flirt but not let it go any further. Well, you don't seem happy, so even though the attention is nice it isn't really adding to your life in a positive way. The fact that you haven't slept with him is the ace in your hand....you can nip this in the bud now while you can.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Tue, 01-13-2004 - 2:13pm
Well... I tried something revolutionary. I TOLD MM what my resolution was. He didn't have a word to say about it but he looked a little upset. I said, "If I start back down that road again we're going to end up right back where we were and I'll be crying and you'll be avoiding me... I just can't do it. We have to keep it here." My resolution was not to feed this monster and I didn't. During the course of our conversation he tried to break me down and I smiled sweetly and told him I was flattered but I didn't give it back. I told him nothing I wouldn't have said in front of my H or his W. But you're all right... I don't know how I'm going to keep this up. Is it just impossible to be friends once you've established that an attraction is there?
Avatar for mikkolover
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Tue, 01-13-2004 - 2:27pm
i think its near impossible. If you both have established that there is an attraction. How can that be denied. I think its best to just admire from a far, fantasize and keep it to yourself. I have kind of the same thing with OM. Nothing physical has happened, but now that 'it' ( our attraction for eachother ) is out in the open it just kinda sits there. Festers, sometimes gets blown over to my side, and sometimes his, but i really think that if we weren't going to talk ever again about 'us' things, that we could never really be buddies. I mean, whenever we saw eachother ( which is rare considering the3+ hr flight between us) 'it' would still be there. Like a fart in a space suit, not so subtle then.. take care, and if you are S and he is M, just watch it. Protect your heart in a useless situation. good luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Tue, 01-13-2004 - 2:35pm
Lilah, sweetheart, listen very closely to what the others are telling you. I don't want to come off as sounding harsh, or a know-it-all. But, what I'm going to tell you *is* harsh and true. If you want to keep doing what you are doing and want to know what is going to happen a year from now, go out *now* and get a burning, hot poker and then stab yourself repeatedly in the eye. That is the pain you will most probably feel. Dramatic analogy? I probably would have thought so, five years ago when my affair started. I'm not just 'sour grapes' whose affair didn't work out. I'm the norm...ok, albeit a little stupider than most because I've been in this blasted thing for five years now and am just starting to recognize myself again as I am now emerging from the rubble.

I wish I had known back then what I know now. Honestly, I may or may not have listened. My MM may be my soulmate...the man of my dreams...but, I don't think trying to rescue him from the burning building, that is called his life, while putting my own self in danger in the process is a very smart thing to do. They always tell you not to run back into a burning building. You already know that building is ablaze and you are contemplating running in. You have a statisticly very bad chance here. You are not unique. That is probably the most humbling thing about this board...you are no different and neither is your affair. You are gambling your life and self-esteem in the long term for a few short term pleasures now. Stop looking at what you are dreaming about and start looking at what is really in front of you. You think you are frustrated and confused now? Sweety, you are just merely standing at the top of the big, black hole and looking in. Oh, please don't fall in. And, if you stay looking at that hole long enough, it will reach up and suck you right in. Close your eyes and imagine yourself in some horrific situation a year from now (pick anything horrible you can think of - not just an affair). Would you willingly put yourself in that horrible situation you just thought of? ...me neither, now :) But, I did five years ago. The difference is that I didn't know anything of what I know now. Please, use our pain wisely...to avoid yours.

Bird