Update on me........
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| Thu, 06-02-2005 - 9:46am |
Hi everyone,
I've been here but quiet mostly except for a few responses to people's posts. Officially I ended it with MM on 5/1 but the fact that his court date is tomorrow had kept me hopeful. But then something strange happened...last week out of the blue, he called a few apartments in my neighborhhod that were for rent and went and saw one on Friday and filled out the application and gave the holding fee for it. I was like, wow! Maybe he is serious about us...maybe he will actually move here (he lives in an apt owned by his parents in a different city where I can't go since he is not divorced yet and I am a secret). So he told me that he wanted to go over his budget and was going to tell the owner on Monday (Memorial Day) if he could take it. So he talked about the apt and it really made me feel that things were really going to come together this time - I mean, he almost had an apt and his court date is tomorrow. So anyway, I went away for the long weekend and never heard from him about his decision. Each day was - he would do the budget tomorrow. Finally on Monday evening, I had to literally drag the answer out of him and no, he's not going to do the apt bc he feels it is too expensive. I will be honest, I was disappointed and even more so, I was annoyed that he did this to me - again - and I feel I am losing respect for him bigtime. He has no plan for his life - is he planning on living off his parents indefinitely? He is 38 and that is not an attractive quality. He makes a good salary so I am really not sure what the truth is and you know what? I really dont much care anymore. So that was Monday and I really haven't said much to him this week and the weird thing is that I'm not making a giant effort not to contact him. I mean, tomorrow is the court date and I feel like I don't even care! Mostly because I fully expect some story to materialize about why the divorce has to wait more. But I think I just have lost interest in playing a role in someone else's fantasy of a life they would like to have. I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel hurt and sad and disappointed and confused. But I really think I am tired of his drama. I feel like I have nothing to say to him. Its a bizarre feeling...
Ivy

Hey Ivy: I see your point. These OMMs and As in general do bring a pretty unhealthy amount of chaos into our lives. I think we invite "them" in, meaning the other person, but not necessarily expect the insanity they bring with them, which is in addition to the insanity of just being in an A.
Your story almost sounds like its being told by my XMM's new ow. I've been posting the last few weeks about XMM contacting me to discuss his love life (oh pullleeeezzz!) and I stupidly fell for it (I'm over that now, though!). Basically, within months of ending our A he went out and got himself all involved with another OW and of course his wife didn't know about it (is this poor woman walking thru life with blinders on or what???). One night two weeks ago the OW went to his house and confronted XMM in the presence of his W and DD5. That's pure insanity. For some reason totally unbeknownst to me, he thought I "had a good head on my shoulders" and might be able to help him figure out what to do. Can I ask who contacts their XAP for advice in the next mess get themself into????
Anyhows, the W threw him out, temporarily of course because she always takes him back. In the meantime, he's staying with his mother. 38 years old, like your XMM, living "at home," and unable to organize a healthy, mature life for himself. It disgusts me, both your XMM and my XMM.
And you've got to wonder, watching the craziness they go thru, why in the world you'd even think to become involved with these jokers. Like why did your guy go thru the motions of looking like he was going to rent an apartment nearby you when he probably knew from the getgo that he couldn't afford it? Financial concerns are what keeps my XMM from moving on and it's the reason he's living with mom. He can't even manage a career and make decent enough money to support himself and his family.
I'm glad you seem to have your wits about you and are seeing the reality of the mess he's creating. Keep your life separate. You're absolutely right - tomorrow there will probably be some inane story about why the divorce is going to take even longer. You can't wait on him and his decision-making, which apparently aint that good.
Hang in there and I wish you peace. Love, Mo.
Mo,
I just wanted to quickly add that your post struck a real nerve about us bringing an unhealthy amount of chaos into our lives when we welcome them in.
I realized some time this week that I actually have two problems that I think are separate (but feel free to correct me if I'm wrong):
1) Not respecting boundaries and entering into an A.
2) Choosing an emotionally unhealthy AP as well (do "healthy" ones exist??).
So, not only do I apparently have true intimacy issues that are driving me away from my M and into an A, I also like to select partners that are EMOTIONALLY unavailable. Then I like to have the emotionally unavailable A partner sit around for 9 years because I like the challange.
Quite a lot to work on!
WIP