Update on Me

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2004
Update on Me
6
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 12:50pm

I have been meaning to write this post for a LONG time but haven't had a chance to do it. I used to post here alot in the spring/summer of 2004. I lurk now every so often but really do not recognize many of the names anymore. I take that as a good sign that some of the old regulars have moved on. I am well over the year mark of the end of my A and I have moved on too but not as much as I would have hoped last year at this time. I have so much anger in me sometimes I feel that I will explode.

I searched back and found my first post which pretty much sums up my story rather than explaining it all over again.
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlending&msg=13182.1

I can definately say that the only way to successfully end an A is through NC. I am sure that you all know how hard that is but the NC does get easier. I feel that I am completely over my A and xMM for the most part but alot of my problem is I still think about him and have many memories of how he made me feel. I pretty much set myself up for my heart to be broke. I am 24 and single, have my masters degree and a good job and am an attractive person. People tell me they can not believe that I am not married to someone already. I have alot of trouble trusting people. I will not fall for that guy who lays it on thick - I figure he tells every other woman that so what makes me special. It is like I have a series of mental tests that a guy has to pass to get to me. Well, xMM passed them all with flying colors and definately got to me. I can kick myself now for being involved with a MM. The A definately changed my life.

Most of my thoughts are how xMM can just walk away after a year A and not care and never look back. It absolutely kills me. I am pretty sure I ment alot to him and he knows he ment alot to me. All I want is an acknowledgement or an apology from him. A few weeks ago I gave in well after a year and called him. I don't know why I decided to call...I think it was more of a dare for me - to see if I could really do it. I was also hoping that maybe I would get an apology or some kind of resolution from him. Our conversation was very brief...the whole 4 minutes and 57 seconds of it. It was odd though. He has remained in contact with some of our co-workers and knew alot that was going on with me and questioned me about it. These same co-workers have also mentioned that he will ask about me and has told them to tell me that he misses me. I barely got a word in to ask him about himself before he cut me off. He told me to call him again some time. I am pretty sure that I shocked him by calling him though. I am kicking myself after that phone call though...why should I be the one to call him? I know he would never randomly call me. It definately made me feel weak and I will never call him again.

In addition to my anger towards xMM alot of my problem now is I am TERRIFIED I will never meet someone who will make me feel like he did nor connect as well with someone. xMM was the first and only guy that I ever loved and I am afraid that someone else will do the same thing to me again. I know it is bad but I feel like my biological clock is ticking! I wanted to have kids before I was 25 and well 25 will be here in 6 months and no kids are coming anytime soon!

Anyway...enough of my blabbing. For all of you who post here now, this place was a lifesaver for me and it can be for you too. It was so helpful to know that there were others out there who were going through the same pain and had the same feelings as me. It helped alot to be able to talk about it without looking like you were a bad person. There is alot of wisdom and advice to be heard here on this board!

I will continue to lurk occasionally but I find that talking about the A is similar to putting salt into the wound again. The wound has healed but not quite scarred over yet. It hurts too much to keep reinflicting the pain again.

Good luck to everyone here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
In reply to: yella103
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 2:34pm

Vella, dont put a time limit on when you wanted to have kids.(dont put that deadline stress on yourself so young). Life can change on a dime (as you well know). 25 to me...personally...would be too young but then again I am of the ilk that thinks no one in our modern society should be married before 30!! lol .

You are a bright accomplished person. I would however set 33-37 as a good time in your life to be married with kids. You are calmer, know more about life, accomplished what you want etc. I am 39 and although i wasnt raised to feel this way...I am a lil heartbroken about that ive not had a long term relationship, kids etc. But ya know what...who knows..what lurks around the corner...and well i guess ive not had some of the grief and hardships others have had to go through. (ive had plenty many dont go through however).
I am at a crossroads. My dear at 25, your life will just really be beginning. Anyone over 30 can vouch for that =)
Wisdom, peace and safety and most of all...love to you,
Lizzie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
In reply to: yella103
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 7:02pm

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That sounds like me. I'm single, 27, fairly attractive. I also have trouble trusting and my MM just kept on pushing and pushing until I fell in love with him. (My short story is he was separated when we met, but he went back to his W and kids just a couple of months ago. We also work very closely together so I have to see him everyday).

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I am also scared of this. MM is my 3rd boyfriend of my whole life. I didn't date in high school. I also had planned on being married and two kids by the time I was 30. Well, I will be 28 in October this year (2005). It's hard for me to meet people b/c I work nights. I work until 10pm and then go home and attend school online. I don't have any friends that I can go out and do anything with. I live about 45 mins from where I work. I've tried online dating sites and ugh.

I've only been coming here for not even a week yet, but been trying to end this A since around October 2004. We keep going back and forth. We haven't been intimate since Thanksgiving, but we were still writing IMs to each other and having makeout sessions in the parking lot. This last time, I told him that I just couldn't be the OW. After that, he really wouldn't have anything to do with me as far as a R goes. I guess it should be ok at that, but what I wanted was for him to say that he still wanted to be with me and that he would be trying to leave and actually leave, etc, etc, etc. same story that everyone else basically has.... sigh...

Anyway, I'm glad that I'm here. I'm also trying to get in to see a therapist about this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2004
In reply to: yella103
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 12:24pm

Hi there

It does sound like we have very similar situations. The only advice that I can offer you is that I wish that I would have been the one to end it. I did try, but I craved his attention too much and we fell right back into the same pattern. I wasn't strong enough. I can kick myself now because had we not started the A again I would probably still have him as a friend. Getting over the attention took awhile but I can not tell you how much I miss his friendship and having him to talk to. I would give anything to have that back now.

It sounds like your xMM has been hot and cold with you since Thanksgiving. That happened to me and looking back now I think I was at my lowest point ever. I was holding onto any bit of time that he would give me, whether it was a meeting in person or a phone call or whatever. In the past I was the one that dealt the cards and he played my game.

Can I suggest that you read the book "He's Just Not That Into You"? The book was very humorous to me and although my xMM treated me just as the book says a guy should treat you, he wasn't available. The only thing I can really tell you is try to end it now while you still can. Your xMM may start to use your vulnerability against you. Try to keep yourself busy to keep your mind off of him and your thoughts of him. I know it is impossible but it helps. I joined a gym and I am still a faithful member (and have lost weight!) as well as met some new people.

Good luck...you are going to need it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
In reply to: yella103
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 12:38pm

I am actually the one who finally ended it on 2/10. He has respected my decision and has not tried to start anything up again. Even when I sent him an e-mail practically begging him to come back to me a couple of weeks ago, he didn't accept. Even though it seemed harsh to me then, I know it was the best thing. I'm the one who is having the hard time accepting it's over and getting through it. I even went out to his truck yesterday to talk about some stuff that was going on at work and he didn't try anything. I guess I was testing me and him to see if anything would happen. It didn't.

We are still friends and work with each other every day. I am not sure if you have seen any of my previous posts about the situation, but we sit across from each other at work as close as you would sit in a booth at a restaurant. Lemme tell you, it's been REALLY difficult. We are not able to have NC as others have. The way I am doing NC is just to not bring up the A at all. Pretend that it didn't happen. It's over, so why not? We don't talk about it at all. It's working so far.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2005
In reply to: yella103
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 1:23pm

Yella,

I'm glad you're here. It sounds like you're still not entirely over it. If you were, you wouldn't have called and you wouldn't be thinking about him so much. But give it more time, eventually you will NEVER call and rarely think about him.

As for not being married with kids yet....good for you! So many people are in such a dang rush for those things. 25 is really still pretty young. Don't worry about it. It'll happen when it's time.

As for finding someone like him....hopefully, you won't. The reason what you had with him was what it was is because it never was a real relationship. You never had to pick up his dirty laundry or listen to him belch or smell his b.o. after working outside. You didn't have to work through problems and see him when he's sick. Of course you romanticize about it. It just wasn't a real relationship. That's the thing about these affairs. They take on this mythical status.

Keep working on you. You'll find your mate.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
In reply to: yella103
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 11:49pm

yella,

u are so young and still have so much ahead of you, dont waste your time

max