Update - Not doing well!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2004
Update - Not doing well!
1
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 11:43am
Hi all,

It's been a while since I last posted. As an update, I moved in to my apartment last Saturday. Wanted to use the time to clear my head, and decide whether to stay in my marriage, or leave and be with the OM. Honestly, it's not going very well. I haven't been able to maintain NC with either, and every day I just get more depressed. If I see OM again, H will file for divorce, which really scares me. But, the thought of never seeing OM again leaves me so depressed I can't even get out of bed. I feel like I'm stuck in purgatory.

Seriously, I have no idea what to do. I have been with H for 14 years. He is a good man, and I really do love him. But, it's more like a friendship, and we've never had the kind of passion or connection that I have with OM. If I stay, I think I'll always wonder what could have been, and feel like I'm settling (I'm only 33). I know I'll always think of OM (who is single, and wants to marry me), and long for what we have. But, if I go, I know that I will always wonder what would have happened if I worked harder in my marriage, and tried to keep my family together.

It's the same old question - stay with what is safe and comfortable, or take a risk, hurt people I love, and try to find more fullfillment? Honestly, I'm close to losing both of them, and I feel myself becoming more depressed and shutting down emotionally more everyday.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 1:06pm
Hi ist123, I'm new to the board today, so I am unfamiliar with your story, but I can feel your pain. When I was leaving my SO I was having an affair with a MM. It was hard because I didn't know if the affiar would develop into anything more (it didn't) and I would definetely lose my SO. But someone said to me " You'll know it's right when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of change." For some reason that helped me leave and grow. It's hard to break a 14 habit. It's hard to walk away from comfortable discomfort. But even if you don't stay with OM, do you feel fulfilled and loved and cherished with H? Was something mising that led you to the OM? Take OM out of the picture and see if H is were you really want to be. If not, than don't go back just because it's easier. It was hard to move out this time... it would be ten times harder next time. If you do want to make it work, then you have to cut OM loose NOW and concentrate on rebuilding your trust with H. I'm sorry your going through all this. As hard as your position is right now, it's the best place to be to make big changes in your life. You have to be truly happy with YOURSELF before you can decide which, if either of these men can join you in that happiness. Love YOU first. Good luck.