Update.We met today.Heading in the right

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Update.We met today.Heading in the right
3
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 11:26pm

direction...I think!! Here is how it went...I the weak one called the # and he answered on the 4th ring and really cute said "well at least you could do is give me a chance to dial the phone" Remember he blew me off for 3 days and then nasty one hour and then 2 day blow off again. I then said that was it possible to meet today I can understand if he can't which of course followed w/well my business blah, blah...but then 10 minutes later we were still talking and I said "I think we both are thinking the same thing and need to talk face to face" He agreed.

So we met and when I pulled in he hardly would look at me but then turned his head and smiled and watched me get in. But that is his way, always acting like he isn't waiting for me but is!! We didn't kiss or touch for a good while, I did kiss his hand once and apologized for that, he said that was ok. We talked over my divorce and such. And then said we need to come to a conclusion on what to do about us. We both agreed that "us" as a couple in public was never going to work with the x I have and the wife that he has. And his words were to me were "This is not good for you, you deserve better, you deserve to have a man chase you, and be there for you every second you need them and I can't give that to you right now". He then suggested I take the phone and if he wanted to talk to me he would find a way to call me and I said "NO, I am not playing that we'll drive you nuts waiting by the phone to see if you call game anymore". I then said how upset I was that he promised to call and never did. At that point he did try to talk around it and I said "no you listen you can't do that to someone, and I can't be hurt like that anymore". I said the smartest thing but the hardest thing to do is end it right here right now. He agreed. And the we laughed and said here comes that 3 letter word BUT we don't want to do that either. We agreed going cold turkey would be to hard. But we had to set boundaries. He said he couldn't risk being caught, his wife is accepting him again after 2 affairs and trying really really hard. I questioned him using me just for his ego and he said yes, that was a big part. But it also is a connection and friendship that he has never had with anyone. He said if he was caught then his whole life would be just one big lie. And we discussed why he didn't call, he knew he would be nasty and not nice to me. But I said even if you would of just called for 1 minute to say "hey, it's not you I am just not able to talk to you how you deserve". Would of been better then nothing. We agreed it was an obsession that is taking over our lives and we are not putting what we need to priority. We agreed losing each other will be hard!!

So we said to compromise he would keep the phone and call every wednesday definately and if he couldn't he would at least ring once just to say he is thinking about me. We agreed to just phone calls and see about meeting each other face to face later after time has passed trying the limiting contact. I wasn't willing to give up cold turkey either, he truly is a great friend that has helped give me strenght and confidence to get out of a terrible marriage. And his insight into all that is incredible!! I also need to say we have never had sex...we have just kissed and held each other a lot. It's been all emotional!! We did kiss a couple of times during our meeting today and at that point just held each other both knowing this is the last time that is going to feel SOOOOO good!!!

So here I sit writing this to help me through the miss him time...other times I am relief knowing I don't have to wait by the phone. Even though deep down I wish for that phone to ring. But his last words to me were "I will talk to you when I can talk to you" and I wanted to say "Wednesday right?" but instead with an ache in my heart I said cheerfully "ok, that sound good, goodbye". I hope with time away we can become less and less addicted so it quits hurting the both of us!! Time will tell, day by day!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Thu, 10-21-2004 - 8:34am

starting over -

I'm not sure that you are ending this. It doesn't sound like you are.

I wish you the best - but for most of us No Contact is the way to break an
addiction. Just remember that if you aren't able to stop the whole obsession thing.

It worked for me. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. But it worked!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Thu, 10-21-2004 - 9:04am

Been There, Done That.... "Setting Boundaries" will only add fuel to the fire; you will soon see what I mean. A "Wednesdays Only" affair is still an affair.

Don't get me wrong, it is great that you are admitting to each other that this has to end. But you are going about ending it in the WRONG way. Cold Turkey *is* hard, but ultimately it is the only way to end it.

This man has had TWO affairs, his wife knows about them, is working hard to forgive him, and he STILL is doing this to her? He was right, you do deserve better than him, and she does too!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Thu, 10-21-2004 - 9:16am
Hey there StartingOver. I hope I don't offend you in anyway, I certainly don't intend to. It's just that so many people on this board are struggling to maintain NC and end their A once and for all. It's kind of uncomfortable to read your post describing your interaction with him when so many people are longing to be reunited with their X but trying to do what they believe is the right thing. And I totally agree with the previous poster, that a Wednesdays-only affair is still an Affair. JMHO. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10