Upsetting info

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Upsetting info
12
Wed, 02-23-2011 - 10:04pm
I did something dumb or smart, depending on how you look at it. I decided to see if ex AP has a twitter account and to my surprise, he does. When I looked at who he was following, they were all celebrities or news except the first person that came up and she's another woman. A few years ago, when he was drunk, he accidentally im-ed this woman's screen name to me. When I asked him about it, he claimed not to know what I was talking about. But it happened again and I googled her screen name and found out who she was. She was a very pretty woman with a significant online presence due to her occupation. When I asked him the second time and said I had looked her up, he said she was someone he knew ages ago and he had heard through a mutual friend that she was being evicted and he was trying to warn her. When I said that he'd lied the first time, he said he did because he knew I was going to get upset. I said that the lying seriously eroded my trust and we fought about it for quite a while. One of his defenses was that she lives in a different state and how could he possibly have anything going but I saw that she travels for work and said as much. He kept denying and saying I was ridiculous and that it was ancient history and he hadn't talked to her or had anything to do with her for years. He claimed to be completely faithful as he doesn't (he says) have sex with his gf due to her bad health. He said he would never cheat on me. So I found her on his twitter account, the only 'regular' person he's following and I feel sick. He must have been lying and either has something going or would like to. Although this will sound very hypocritical, we were together so long it felt lime a marriage and I totally trusted him to be faithful. Even though we were both cheating, he was my only person and I thought I loved him and was trapped in my M. I justified my own cheating that way. I feel sick now. Now I know what his gf would feel like if she found out about me and my h if he found out about AP. I guess I deserve it. But still, it feels so awful to think that I trusted AP not to do this and who knows how many others there were? I wanted to email him and tell him what a piece of garbage he is but I didn't. He looked right in my eyes and said I would never do that to you, expose you to anything by cheating and you have to believe that. And I did.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Thu, 02-24-2011 - 6:04am
Hi toosmart

I know exactly what you are going through. I saw my exAP for 18mths and only recently found out he had been on a dating site for 15 of those. I had an inkling something was up last year and I asked him point blank if 'profile' was him. He said no. He was outraged that I would think such a thing. He loved me, he and I were lovers, partners, absolute faithfulness. Right!
I set up a fake profile to see if my suspicions were true- and I did this long after the A was finished!
Like you- I hadnt really let go, plus I was holding on to the fantasy that 'but for' circumstances beyound our control- we would be together.

The issue is not how they could have lied, how we could have believed them, why they needed more than us. These are questions for the exAP but have nothing to do with our own issues and self-health.

The issue is... why did we seek attention/love outside the people who genuinely love us? why did we choose to look past the obvious and try so hard to believe a liar? why do we STILL seek to gain validation from something that will NEVER actually do that?

Until you look at your own reasons for doing and sustaining these unhealthy thoughts.actions- you will never totally get over your exAP.

Why do we care who they are tweeting, dating, shagging, chasing. We have been there! It was hell- good luck to the next woman who thinks that is her path to happiness. We KNOW the truth about him- now we need to FIND the truth about us! Thats where the solution is my friend.

I am giving you a cyber hug for the pain (know what thats like) and Im giving you a cyber kick up the pants to get off the computer and get into IC, or read, or journal, or all of the above. Thats what Im doing and Im here anytime you wanna chat.

Iggy :)
You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Thu, 02-24-2011 - 7:10am

Too Smart -
I understand that you are hurt, frustrated, grieving even - and the actions of your xAP are continuing to impact you. If you are going to go NC - and I say If because I think it IS what you want, but you are lingering in it, It is time to put all this behind you and say: IT DOESN'T MATTER. IT DOESN'T MATTER. IT DOESN'T MATTER. IT DOESN'T MATTER.

We could all sit here and commiserate with you the dasterdly deeds that he did during the A - and that which he continues to do - We have ALL been there. This phase of awakening from the fog allows us to see the things we overlooked before due to our A-colored glasses.

YOU choosing to still seek him for curiosity purposes means you are not commited to NC yet. NC really does mean NO CONTACT of ANY kind (FB/Myspace stalking, visiting email accounts, rereading old letters and texts (you should delete all these if you haven't already), No doing google searches - no phone calls, NO CONTACT). By ending the A - you have chosen to END.

The reality is - both of you did dumb things in the name of "love". BOTH OF YOU. Give yourself a gift. Walk away. You won't forget it - (trust me it will plague you for a while) - reinvest into YOU. What did you want from him? What did he make you feel?

Iggy gave you some good food for thought about uncovering deeper issues - I know it's sounds kooky - but it isn't about trusting him that has you angry, it is about you willing to give so much of who YOU are up in order to buy his bullshiz.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Thu, 02-24-2011 - 7:37am

2smart,

I will reiterate what Lolly wrote to you:

YOU choosing to still seek him for curiosity purposes means you are not commited to NC yet. NC really does mean NO CONTACT of ANY kind (FB/Myspace stalking, visiting email accounts, rereading old letters and texts (you should delete all these if you haven't already), No doing google searches - no phone calls, NO CONTACT). By ending the A - you have chosen to END.

It's important for you to get a firm grip on what NC entails. Keep reading our HL, seek counseling if you can, and start digging deep within yourself to uncover why you are so hellbent on hurting yourself like this. You've been here before many times, 2smart, so it's not like you don't know what needs to be done to end this self destruction once and for all.

((Hugs))

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2011
Thu, 02-24-2011 - 7:54am

You are obsessing and senselessly hurting yourself over this JAM - and he is so not worth it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Thu, 02-24-2011 - 9:19pm
I'm not concerned with what he's doing now. I think it's a given now that he'll go after someone else and my condolences to that person. I am more horrified that I was intimate with someone like that and for so long. I don't know what I might have exposed myself to. I can't believe I was that naive to think he was faithful. I don't consider seeing if he had a twitter account breaking NC. I could have called or sent him a nasty email, I almost did bur then I realized that he would only lie and deny or not pick up at all and it wouldn't serve any purpose. And I'm glad I looked because if I hadn't, in a few weeks I might have started missing him and romanticizing things and now I don't see how I could anymore. My therapist told me not to get hung up on the idea of NC and do my work with her instead. If I mess up, I mess up and I'll start over. This has freed me to be able to concentrate on doing the work. Before, I was obsessing on how I was going to maintain NC, how would I get to 30 days or 60 or 90, which seemed overwhelming. Now that I have permission to make a mistake, its empowering me because it's all about me having a choice. When I was with him, I was obsessed and felt like I had no choice, I had to email him, text him, see him, think about him. I think I was ready to make achieving NC an obsession too instead of a choice. One of our big things when we were together was we never did anything normal, like go to lunch. It was all so cold and sleazy. So a few weeks ago, we finally has lunch and when the check came, I said do you need any money for the tip or anything and he said do you have a 5. So I gave it to him and guess what, he put it in his pocket. I was appalled, we all know $5 isn't going to make or break anyone and how ungentlemanly. It was like he just couldn't let it be a nice normal thing, he had to diminish if. So I googled an image of a $5 bill and printed it and on the back I put this excerpt from Anna Quindlen's being perfect: then look, every day at the choices you are making, and when you ask yourself why you are making them, find this answer: for me, for me. Because they are who and what I am and what I mean to be. I laminated it and keep it in my pocket to remind myself to make choices that reflect that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2010
Thu, 02-24-2011 - 9:57pm

Hi!

I laughed when I read your opening line:

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Thu, 02-24-2011 - 10:16pm
Iddy, you rock!!! When she is really ready to stop lying and deceiving...........................................................
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2009
Fri, 02-25-2011 - 9:47am

Hi too smart-

NC is not meant to be an obsession, just a tool that leads to healing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Fri, 02-25-2011 - 11:33am
Scared away, probably not. If anything, I'll continue to read but not comment or post. Yes, I think about him and expect to. Just because we're not in touch doesn't mean the thoughts of him will leave, although I'd like them to. And because I've done it before, I know that as time passes, they come much less often. This time though, I know that even if I somehow end up having contact with him, we won't get back together. Now I know that he's not someone I could ever be with and I was kidding myself to think he was. I guess what bothers me about the NC focus is I see people here beating themselves up because they made a mistake and resetting their 'counters'. They feel awful and its like all the work they've done is negated because they made a mistake. What about the growth and insight they've had? To me, its like the stock market- it has ups and downs but overall, it's on an upward curve. If you pull out during one of the downs, you lose but if you stick with it for the long term, you will gain. I think there's a huge difference between having a slip-up and going back to your old thinking, I misunderstood him, I wasn't him, it was me, we can be happy together, etc. I know in my case wanting to contact him is not about trying to re-open a door, it's about wanting to vent and tell him off. Im not doing it though, because it's a waste of time, its not like he'll say you're right, I'm sorry, I'm a piece of crap. And if he did-what then? Um, ok, thanks, have a good life? So I journaled the anger instead. I still am glad I found that twitter thing. I think I went looking for it because I suspected I'd find something along those lines and needed a little more evidence that he's garbage. I could make a fake Ashley Madison account too, I'm sure I'd find him on there. But I have enough that I can pull out anytime I need to remind myself that he's not who I thought he was now. I do thank everyone who offers support. I've learned so much from this board. It's taken me so long to get out of my a though because I refused to address my childhood issues. I understood that they got me to where I was but I kept thinking I could move forward without going back to them. This turned out to be wrong in my case and it wasn't until I was willing to confront them that I could finally do it. I MAY somehow be in contact with him at some point. I'm not going to worry about it. It's been 3 days (for the counters) and I'm doing ok a day at a time. But, I KNOW, KNOW, KNOW, from the bottom of my heart, I will never be involved with him again, never have more than a conversation, if that. I am DONE.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Fri, 02-25-2011 - 12:01pm

too smart -

I can see why you feel the way you do about us using the counting days thing.

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