Upsetting info
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Upsetting info
| Wed, 02-23-2011 - 10:04pm |
I did something dumb or smart, depending on how you look at it. I decided to see if ex AP has a twitter account and to my surprise, he does. When I looked at who he was following, they were all celebrities or news except the first person that came up and she's another woman. A few years ago, when he was drunk, he accidentally im-ed this woman's screen name to me. When I asked him about it, he claimed not to know what I was talking about. But it happened again and I googled her screen name and found out who she was. She was a very pretty woman with a significant online presence due to her occupation. When I asked him the second time and said I had looked her up, he said she was someone he knew ages ago and he had heard through a mutual friend that she was being evicted and he was trying to warn her. When I said that he'd lied the first time, he said he did because he knew I was going to get upset. I said that the lying seriously eroded my trust and we fought about it for quite a while. One of his defenses was that she lives in a different state and how could he possibly have anything going but I saw that she travels for work and said as much. He kept denying and saying I was ridiculous and that it was ancient history and he hadn't talked to her or had anything to do with her for years. He claimed to be completely faithful as he doesn't (he says) have sex with his gf due to her bad health. He said he would never cheat on me.
So I found her on his twitter account, the only 'regular' person he's following and I feel sick. He must have been lying and either has something going or would like to. Although this will sound very hypocritical, we were together so long it felt lime a marriage and I totally trusted him to be faithful. Even though we were both cheating, he was my only person and I thought I loved him and was trapped in my M. I justified my own cheating that way.
I feel sick now. Now I know what his gf would feel like if she found out about me and my h if he found out about AP. I guess I deserve it. But still, it feels so awful to think that I trusted AP not to do this and who knows how many others there were?
I wanted to email him and tell him what a piece of garbage he is but I didn't. He looked right in my eyes and said I would never do that to you, expose you to anything by cheating and you have to believe that. And I did.

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Dear Too Smart,
Welcome.
I feel strongly that the counting method helps in those initial days because it is a clear measurement of "success" in terms of creating distance from the affair. I remember thinking "can I celebrate 2 hours NC?" because even THAT was significant. Within the affair, I completely came to believe that I would simply be unable to go a day, 2 days, 4 days without communication of one kind or another.
When I went NC, and hit those early days of NC I was SO AMAZED with myself, with the strength I was showing. It was in THOSE early moments where I thought to myself "I never thought I could go this long ... MAYBE I really can do this". Then I would get through 1 more PAINFUL
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