The urge to contact is nearly overwhelming
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| Mon, 12-13-2010 - 10:16am |
As you ladies know, I have been struggling this past week or so, to the point that I want to harm little elves. :smileysurprised:
I will be 9 weeks NC tomorrow and I haven't felt this strong of an urge to contact him since I ended it. There are many reasons why: This whole month is a huge trigger as we were deep into our A this time last year, I am facing my issues and they aren't pretty, I am PMSing, I am majorly curious as to how he's doing since getting into a little trouble a while back. HOWEVER, I have no intention of breaking NC. That is why I am coming here, to hold myself accountable. NC=No New Hurts. Although still painful, I have made a lot of progress over the past two months and I wouldn't trade this growth (and pain that comes with it) for one minute of hearing his voice. It is simply not worth setting my clock back to zero.
I am vulnerable right now but because I have worked hard to get to where I am and have learned better coping skills and learned how to recognize my vulnerabilities, I have made the decision to stay away from alcohol unless in the precense of my DH. It would be so easy to drunk dial him and use that as an excuse to contact him. That's what I used to do. I would go out with girlfriends, have a few cocktails, then contact him after I'd tried to go NC before. Then it would start back up again and I would fall deeper into pain from the A. Much like a hangover. I am making the very deliberate choice of not going back to that dreadful place and am making deliberate choices in how to protect myself from weak spots.
This is not an easy journey and I wonder if we are ever truly out of the woods. We must always be on our guard from our crazy emotions. We must always remember we have a choice in how we behave. We must fight through any unhealthy urges that get in the way of our treasured destination--indifference.
Soldiering on.....
~alwayst2

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Good Morning Jen
Thank you for sharing. Thank you for being here and giving encouragement. Sometimes we dont realize how important our words are to others and how it keeps them moving in the right direction.
I saw my T. After writing 4 letters to the XMM ( all to my journal) It now time
Good Morning Iddy
I really appreciated the ((hugs)) Right back at you! ((Iddy))
You are absolutely right. It is easier today than it was last week. You most of all would understand my predicament and my story for the past year.
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