Use EAS terminology to end A w/ xAP ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Use EAS terminology to end A w/ xAP ?
11
Wed, 10-14-2009 - 5:56pm

During all the months that I was struggling to end my affair, I frequently tried to explain to xAP why I wanted out, why the affair was wrong and why it was destroying me. It baffled me, but he almost always argued back that I was wrong, we loved each other and should stay in contact no matter what. (we were 1000 miles long distance)


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2009
Wed, 10-14-2009 - 8:12pm

I would tell my xAP all the time that I just couldn't do it anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Wed, 10-14-2009 - 8:38pm

Hi BandK,


I didn't know about EAS when I ended mine. I didn't even try to get xAP to see my side. One thing I sad was, "I can't keep coming to you this way. It's not right." That was when I ended the PA and I said some things that left him with the impression that if my M didn't work out that we could be together. I still feel bad about that. Especially after reading on here about how xAP's tried to string their AP's along. That was me...ducking my head as I know a few xAP's that had that done to them

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
Wed, 10-14-2009 - 10:48pm

Bandk,


My xAP knows about this site--likely even knows my handle, but I don't care.


My last email to him actually was a note I copied and pasted out of here--out of the HL on How to Break Up with a MM. I wanted him to know what I was going to do, what I HAD to do.


I am not sure if he "got it". He never "got it".


I also think that they are in a fog, too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Thu, 10-15-2009 - 2:11am
kierstin, honestly, I don't think my xAP even tried to push my buttons or even cared how I would react to anything he said or did. He just said exactly what he felt at the time and to heck with how I felt. But he was very wishy washy - as I was too. During the time right before really trying to end it, I thought we could be close friends, ya know, grow old and still care for each other. He wouldn't have it, he wanted all or nothing. I felt that was a huge slap in the face. He exclaimed he wouldn't talk to me on the phone and would decrease our emails. That lasted a few months until I saw it all for what it was - game playing. I remember posting here about it and someone replied to me they agreed with him. I was devastated! How could he love me, yet refuse to be friends.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Thu, 10-15-2009 - 2:22am

E1, I saw your post earlier, but couldn't respond. It's tough when my H is at home as much as he has been lately. I don't have much privacy to read and think about what I'd like to say and then respond.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2009
Thu, 10-15-2009 - 12:28pm

"Of course, now it doesn't matter. But I'm wondering how many of you tried to do something similar? I used words we are all familiar with, fantasy, not real, fogged in, dignity, respect, ... the list went on and on. For months I tried, I just never cracked through to him. He would tell me he loved his wife and family, but we should have been together, we were made for each other...you guys know the lines. He never backed down. He wanted me in his life, one way or the other, friends or FWB. I knew neither would work.

But it surprised me he wouldn't try to understand. He barely responded to my attempts (as nice as they were). So, was he fogged in, as we say. Or just stubborn, ha ha!! Typical male... all of the above? Truly, I think he didn't want to face the blaring truth. He knew I was right."

Several times I tried to end my A by saying things like, "This isn't right. I can't keep doing this." Each time he would say what you wrote above bandk, "We were meant to be." He also would use, "I can't imagine my life without you in it." Each time I would relent. I was addicted.

We were 4 hours apart. NH and NY.

He had his D-day when his wife read a text message to me that was a response to one more attempt on my part to leave him. The message she read was similar to what I just wrote. "I can't imagine a life without you in it. You are my best friend. I need you." Imagine the hurt she must've felt upon reading that. (She had suspected it for a while.)

So in the end he COULD live without me. He sent a couple of e-mails, "You are a wonderful woman, blah, blah, blah..." Whatever.

She found out on Monday night. On Friday night I was home alone and got rip-roaring drunk. Called his cell, called his house, called her cell. Cried and cried and said things like "You deserve her."

Honestly, I know it was a terrible thing to do, but I still feel like he had it coming after the way he behaved toward me. After reading the stories here, I am beginning to understand the concept of NC, but I think he could've handled it better. I don't know. I'm still confused about that. I still think he owed me more than "You're a wonderful woman, but..."

There are still days when I hope she's b*tching at him and making him miserable. I still don't know how to handle those feelings.

I should be more grateful. Someone posted here that those of us who managed to avoid a D-day should count our blessings. I agree. I don't have to deal with the looks and sadness of my kids like he has to do, besides the hurt to his marriage.

I am grateful that I managed to not hurt my husband, who really does deserve better from me. I'm working on being a better person.
You guys are a big help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Thu, 10-15-2009 - 1:19pm

<<I still think he owed me more than "You're a wonderful woman, but...">>


Ohhhh

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2009
Thu, 10-15-2009 - 2:35pm

YES!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Thu, 10-15-2009 - 4:23pm

I am so grateful I never had a D-Day. But I know it could come out of the blue anyday, for any reason and from anywhere. I don't think about that much, but it is always in the back of my mind.


My ending with xAP was ok, a little dramatic. I wrote a long email asking for NC. I explained my feelings and why the affair was so wrong and how I was destroying myself. Again, I

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2009
Thu, 10-15-2009 - 5:03pm

"Who calls that love??"

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