Use this thread to vent

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Use this thread to vent
24
Thu, 01-07-2010 - 12:03pm

For those of you having a bad or difficult day

   ~Iddy~ 


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Thu, 01-07-2010 - 1:08pm

Really? We won't get dinged? Ok, then. I'll bite. I am a little nervous that my vents will make me look bad, but, hey, like I look like a saint now? yah, no. Here goes:

I am really pissed that I have lost my sex drive. I'm really pissed that xAP still dominates all my thoughts re: sex, and that every time those frisky thoughts come up, I have to squash them quickly, then feel guilty and gross. I'm frustrated and angry that I don't want sex with my H.

I fn HATE it that I was not special. I think about how X had a woman before me and that, to make me feel better about it during the A, actually told me she was a "pure booty call" (for a year!!) I am soooo offended for that poor woman. I hate that he used her like that. I empathized with her 100% now, because I realize I too was a booty call (of sorts); he used us both like a tool. And, to boot, I have to admit I'm as bad as he is; I used him like a tool. I suck. He sucks.

I am pissed that I can't go to the Farmer's Market on Sunday anymore because I might run into X and his W. Why does HE get to "own" the fn Farmer's Market? I also hate that I have to drive out of my way to avoid passing his house on the way to work. I know it's only a short detour, but for some reason it really, really pisses me off.

I HATE that my husband was right when he blew up at me on Christmas night. I HAVE been angry, snippy, rude, controlling, numb, detached and absent from my M and my family. He was right. He said really mean and hateful things for the first time ever in our 11 year relationship.... and I deserved it. I hate that I have no excuse and I can't blame him - a la "YOU drove me to it!" I have only myself to blame. I was a rotten wife and mother. I wanted to roll over and die. ARG.

I hate that my innocence is gone. really gone.

I want to puke when I read the MAS board.

I hate feeling so weak, stupid, damaged and lost.

I hate vacillating between wanting to punch Xap in the face and wanting to hug him and give him an encouraging speech. I am so impatient for indifference and thankful that I'll never have contact with him again -- so, WHY can't I just move on and get over it??? I need to suck it up and I'm such a gd wimp.

I hate that I will always have to look over my shoulder because of this A. I hate that I will never have complete peace again because of the path I took. I will never be free from this! What an idiot I was!!! Am. Why was I soooo stupid? I was I soooo self-absorbed and arrogant?

I hate feeling guilty and ashamed of the way I look. I'm pretty, thin, and holding up really darn well for my age. But, every time I put on make up or fix my hair, I feel like a whore vying for men's attention.

I hate it that I can't afford therapy right now. It's not fair. Rich Xap gets therapy! MF'er should buy me some, too. Do they give gift certificates for IC?

And, last....

I'm sorry I told him his band rocked. They suck. Damn poseur, top-forty spewing, over-blown, pseudo rock making, aging popstar egomaniacs. Bunch of perpetually immature man-teens, still partying with groupies and making idiots out of themselves. EW EW EW. Dogs. they run in packs.

(thanks for listening)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Thu, 01-07-2010 - 3:56pm

Little bitty vent here:


I have to see xAP on the sidelines of the biggest college

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2009
Thu, 01-07-2010 - 4:54pm
Thanks Iddy!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2009
Thu, 01-07-2010 - 5:57pm

Iddy..great idea. So no bashing please.


I can't believe it's 7pm and i'm sitting at work unable to go home. I found out that my xAP had another A before me, and it was just a few short months before me and a person from work. In this case i broke LC but i dont regret it. This info enlightened me as to where exactly i fit into the picture. I can't believe that woman had the guts to leave her H and ask xAP to move in with her. at least she had that much dignity and self respect. Of course, he dumped her and she quit her job. I am very upset that i came strolling into his life and pushed myself onto him and onto all this misery and trouble, and never once had the courage to ask him to be with me like this woman asked him only a few weeks into the A.


I feel disgusted with

Sunshine

.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Thu, 01-07-2010 - 7:13pm

Ok you asked and here you go....this is me venting
this is an email, that i have draafted to exap
he will never read it

if it sounds familiar, you make have written it!! I stole powerful posts and put em in there with my own spin, most of it is me....but its long

Iddy, if its ok, i dont mind if people reply to my content....so please let me know if you have any, u can email me privately, i just think it might be good to know how you all feel about what i am saying and feeling....so please respond to me directly or post,,,hope that is ok. if no one has any feedback about me venting, that is ok too. but if someone where to see me OFF or see something unhealthy, call me on it...that is my point.

WARNING-its long.

To my exAP,

This email is not about you. I realize it will stoke your ego to even hear from me, this is for me, not for you. I am a venter....I deal with things that way. You deal with things by finding another victim...This is for me. While I realize you probably won't 'GET" what i am saying because you are so delusional and such a narcisstic sociopath...but that is ok. as I said, this is not for you. Its for me. I realize it is hard to concieve something that is not about you and you only...but give it a try for once.

I never really knew you, its amazes me how you can spend all the time we spent with one another and have no idea who they really are. I never knew you were married. When we met, you were the one who wanted to move things so fast, so quick, you were the one who wanted to have kids with me, you were the one who wanted to marry me, move in together etc....
I figured maybe you just really liked me a lot....n then supposedly loved me alot.
U came at me so hard in the beginning, came on so strong, I was like a target and you just had to have me. I remember you telling me its ok, to let my guard down, that it was ok to feel for you, to love you, to fall for you, because you had already fallen for me already.

Those were the beginning of the lies. They started at the very beginning. There was nothing that was true, not that you were single, not the number of children you had....nothing was true.

I actually thought you were a good guy, u swept me off my feet, said and initially did all the things I needed you to do....

Boy, was I in for a reality check, one like I had never experienced and one I hope not to EVER again.
Slowly, things started to unravel and then I was knocked completely down...when I found out (cuz you were too much of a coward to ever come clean) that you just had a newborn baby, had been married etc...
U lied with a straight face when I initially asked you.....
Then finally you came clean told me your story....even then you lied and lied...U just admitted the baby and the marriage...of course there were the many other side things too.
U just actually saw me on a regular basis, took me out all the time, showed me off to your friends, went on double dates with your married friends who also cheat on their wives etc...
U acted like I was yours and you were mine......nothing could have been farther from the truth.

Then D day comes.....I was in shock for two days and the next day after those two, I find out I am P.

Things unraveled very very, quickly from then on. Nov, Dec, 2009, had to be the worst time of my life....i was hurt, confused, did not know what to do regarding the baby..
I found out about more women, more sex websites, more mess etc....
I found out that mostly everything that every came out your mouth was a lie..

Initially, I was ready to have this child and do it, on my own, sure you could be a part of the child's life, but you and me, we had to end.

U begged me to stay, told me you would leave W, would leave all the "other" girls alone too, we would be together, we would be a family etc....
U told me just wait a little while, just till the baby was a little older, you said she was post pardum and you were worried cuz she walked around the house all sad...and you never know, that if you left now, she might harm the baby or the other kids.....LIES.....so much BS.

I believed you for some dumb reason, at that point I couldnt see past the smoke...I was emotional, hormonal, and so damaged. U kept saying all the right things, and I so badly wanted to believe all you said, so I stayed for a little while....told my friends and family i had to, I was pregnant by you, we had to talk, we had to see eachother, this is when i started lying to myself....had to lie to everyone because everyone wondered after i discovered that you were married, why would i even give you the time of day. Ever. So I told my fam, a close friend about being P to justify your continued presence in my life.

I told myself I could do this, I can make this work, there had been nothing that I have not been able to do in life, if I only worked hard enough....Again, me lying to myself.
I listened to your woeful stories...I listened and I thought I might make this, but deep down, I knew I had to, despite the pain, I had to get out...I had to get away from you and your toxic lifestyle...

yet i hung on for a little bit...I listened to all your explanations for not telling me, i contd to see you, i contd to let you touch me...I told you to never touch me and then try to jump up and go home to her.....yet you would act like you were staying and then suddenly "have" to leave....
That was the begining of the degradation. Then one time, you told me you had to call W, I looked at you like you were crazy, then you said you had to talk to the kids...more excused and more lies, you had to check in....when her txting you and you her was not enough. I let you call her....again, self degradation

Everytime you left, you slowly chipped away my self worth and my self esteem and I let you, so I can take responsibility for that.

fast forward to the day of my appt....that very same day. I find out that you smoke cigarettes...wow, something i never knew. u said you were stressed and had to do something...that night, all you talked about was u leaving town the next day. U had trip planned and you were not remotely phased by the events of the day, you even went to work for a lil while, came n brought me something to eat and then talked about what to wear fro your trip out of town...went on and on about it and how i should trust you....lol that was so funny now that i look back at it...u kept saying i could trust you now. U wanted me to pick out outfits for you. Help you book a hotel. All about you. I was in pain laying in bed, having just had a life sucked out of me and you were on and on about you....and your plans for the weekend of fun with the guys...

Then i see that you called your wife during my appt, probably to give her the good news that she would not have to worry about me messing up your perfect beautiful family. U talk to other girls that day, while I am in my appt....i was so disgusted with you once i saw that, I needed you that night, so you stayed but as i laid next to you. I told you that come morning, get out and let me go, that it was over and i could not do it anymore. i told you i was no longer P, no need for more lies or playing games, there were no more ties that bind, you were free to go and what you needed to do with wife or whomever...I just begged you to let me go, let me heal and leave me alone.

and you did, esp, that entire weekend...u had a weekend of fun and i spent the weekend recovering physically and emotionally. not a call or txt to check on my physical well being...even tho i asked you to leave me alone, i figured you would at least check on me....i did not plan on responding but i figured you would at least check on me...nothing.
at the time, that burned so bad, i kept saying this man does not even care about my phyical health, nothing etc....

Now, looking back, such a blessing.....that was action. not your running your mouth telling me how much you love and care about me...that was action, that was you showing me how much you really did not give the slightest $hit about me or my well being. I needed that. It burned so bad and hurt like hell. but it was the begining of the your actions that would show me better than you could ever tell me about how you TRULY felt about me

U kept telling me stuff...now i was seeing your actions and not making excuses for them.

Of course, you ran like the wind and that was the best and only good thing good you every did for me....it was what i needed to see you for what you really were.

then monday after the appt. i get nasty vm's and emails from you attacking me....calling me names, saying i am crazy and obsessed and i need to get over it and move on etc...claiming i was calling your new OW or whomever and that i did this and that....did you ever think that could be someone else...perhaps your wife?

But no, it was supposedly me, and you threw me under the bus, had people calling me home....lied so bad about me to everyone we knew. was that necessary? i guess you had to make yourself look good. Guess you had to bad mouth me to feel better about yourself....and all you did by saying i am crazy and obsessed etc....told your wife that etc...more lies. guess you had to tell everyone that you broke it off with me cuz I went crazy etc....

Needless to say things ended so badly...guess it does not matter, just thankful its over. thankful i saw you for what you are before it was too late for me to escape, thankful for not spending years in this dysfunctional mess....I was the lucky one, I got away...those others including your W can worry about you, u can stress them out...I am relieved of the pain. I lost 10 pounds in 12 days with the stress of you, even when i was P. I refuse to be at any further loss. U are the one who really lost something in all this, and by now I am sure you have realized it.

(Stole this from another poster)
its not ok that u used me and its not ok that you deceived my children and allowed them to get close to you. why would you do that? Is it ur inability to feel anything? you're empty inside.
its not ok how you manipulated me ,like i was there for your own personal adgenda.I think you're ugly on the inside and im life times ahead of you. you're not what i want in a partner nor in my life, I don't think you're even a good friend.
You've moved on, instantly, just like a predator. The way you use women is disgusting and its not ok, none of it is ok. you're just a boy trying desperately to be a man, and you think by wearing a uniform that it makes you one. I've never seen so much of a coward in all my time, not only a coward in relationships but in life.
you will continue to do this to women because you can. You're a bad pattern repeating itself over and over; if people really knew who you were and not what they chose to see they would be ashamed.
but i learned a lot, u see no real man that loved me would ever stand for seeing me in such pain they would either leave to be with me or let me go. i had to close the bakery, you would have had me, your W, and the others and would have juggled it all as naturally as you lie....it had to end.
As for your wife, there was a time, when i would have given anything to be her, BUT, I now know she's not happy and I KNOW that she's the one 'unlucky' because at least I managed to 'escape'. I have a future, and a possibility to find a good man, while she on the other hand is 'stuck' with your lying cheating ass.
You see, you are the one who really lost something worth holding onto...
YOU had someone who would have done almost anything for him...YOU had someone who turned herself inside out to make him feel good even when her heart was breaking...YOU had someone who was ALWAYS there and ALWAYS supportive and ALWAYS compassionate...YOU had someone who truly cared about him as a person and was willing to put up with all kinds of crap just for the "privilege" of having you in my life...YOU had someone who blamed the situation and not YOU for your bad behavior and loved him anyway...YOU had someone who stroked your ego on demand...F'ed you on demand. YOU had someone who told you how perfect and sexy and smart he is at every turn...YOU had someone who really thought of you as a friend and would have been your friend forever...

Because of YOUR OWN bad behavior..YOU no longer have any of that. Even if you have found someone else to give you those things, it doesn't change the fact that you won't get those things FROM ME. Not to mention, they will never compare.

For well over 5 months, I've was at your beck and call while you been hot and cold at best. YOU loved that YOU had that control and if nothing else, I know YOU miss that and be sorry that YOU blew it. (pretty sure you'll come a fishin' one of these days for that reason alone and I'll be ready.

What has helped me is I have come to understand you..at first i thought it was about you rejecting me...but it turns out, all that happened, had little to do with me or my shortcomings your are narccist serial cheater.

Read the description below

Narcissist serial cheaters

A typical reason for infidelity is that one spouse may be a narcissist who often becomes a serial cheater. The narcissist is most likely to have many affairs and will pursue anyone they can manipulate with their boundless words and actions.
Narcissists are self-absorbed and tend to be highly charming. They have a constant need for admiration. They view all events in terms of how the events impact them and them alone. They are master manipulators and feel an “emotional high” with each new conquest. Their behavior is often impulsive which can appear exciting. These individuals lack compassion unless it helps them achieve their goals. They are unwilling to see or consider anything from another person's viewpoint. They will continue the emotional control with a target until the relationship becomes too burdensome. LIKE SHE BECOMES PREGNANT. They utilize no moral boundaries in their pursuit of admiration and physical activity from the opposite sex; frequently offering marriage, promises, baptism, children, etc. (SOUND FAMILIAR?) Literally - whatever the target “needs to hear” in order to close the deal is what the narcissist will say and do. Their targets are usually married which heightens the feeling of conquest. They frequently have several affairs going on at once with no regard to the damage caused by their reckless pursuit of self-gratification. Narcissists develop specialized talents such as crying on cue, “elegantly” deceiving without stumble, saying just the right things at just the right time, etc. all designed to aid in attaining their goal.
Their behavior is more than a lack of self-esteem. It goes to the very core of the individual's personality and is a pervasive aspect of their lifestyle. This character flaw prevents them from keeping marriage vows and in the vast majority of cases narcissists will forever cheat on their spouse(s). It is interesting to note that narcissists rarely divorce and will fight tooth and nail to remain married. This is believed to go along with the “need to be accepted by all” mentality that narcissists possess. As strong as their need is to conquer outside their marriage; they turn into weeping idiots if/when their spouse even suggests divorce.

That new girl or GIRLS will never win your heart. You cannot be cured and you will never truly belong to anyone. You are not capable of love, empathy or commitment. I don't care if she is Halle Berry. Initially you are attracted to your new conquest but then it becomes all about them. Your new and old victimes don't even exist but only to stroke your already FRAGILE ego.
It was really hard for people like me who really do have feelings for others to understand creatures like yourself but unfortunately you are out there and very well disguised and by the time I find out about you, I was already attached.
I now consider yourself lucky I got away from you. It is all about you and it will be forever. This is a very lonely and miserable existence and I will leave you to it on your own....
Ready to ignore anything you say or do.....wont give you the time of day...

your proof there is "good' in goodbye....

Whew....i know that was a lot, but it was good to get it off my chest..let me know what you all think, if anything, if ok with Iddy etc...thanks for reading. I know that is so long, u can just respond to me only and i appreciate you guys taking the time to listening to me vent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2009
Fri, 01-08-2010 - 8:45am

Here's my vent:

I absolutely HATE that I still let myself be influenced by his actions or inactions. This morning when I was walking to school with the kids, he was walking right in front of me, looking so arrogant. I put up both my middle fingers behind his back and said some really mean words. In a whisper , that is.

I wish I could remove this man out of my life once and for all! I hate LC! I hate how he is treating me. One day friendly, the other day colder than ice. And I really should not care one way or the other. I know!!!

I hate to see him walking around playing the family guy. The good husband. The good father.

I wonder if some pretty woman would come live in our neighborhood, would he go after her? Would he start pursuing her, trying to get some sex from her?? Just the thought of it makes me feel sick. And yes, that must be exactly how threatened his wife might be feeling by ME.

I hate who I have become. I never would have thought that I would one day be an Other Woman. It's over, the A, but my "feelings" for him are not gone. I really hate that I can't stop obsessing about what he does or does not do!!!!!!! *#%^&#*(@(@^#*#$()#(*$&^#*#

I HATE LC

This was my vent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Fri, 01-08-2010 - 8:49am
Please forgive the format...I'm on my BB..I hate that I crossed the "line"...I hate that you crossed the line..I hate that I was glazed over with my children because I was consumed by thoughts of you...I hate that I was absent as a wife/mother...I hate that you talked about us having a future together...I hate that I can remember every fricking word that came out of your mouth...I hate that I made up errands to run in the event that you might call during that time...I hate that I lost time with my children on those fake errands-especially when you didn't call half the time you said you would...I hate that I refused to process the fact that you were withdrawing from me even though I saw it....I hate that I continued to drip my love for you in emails when yours got more and more generic. I hate that you stopped contacting me without a goodbye...I hate that you left me wondering what the hell was wrong with me...I hate that I am having such a hard time getting you out of my system...I hate that I've been in such pain for soooo long over you....I hate the person I see myself as now--a liar, cheater, deceiver, bad mother/wife...I hate that I've allowed myself to be this person...I hate that I STILL want to hear from you...I hate that I want to find messages from you after all this time....I hate that I know will not contact me ever again....Still....I hate that I don't hate you.......................
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2009
Fri, 01-08-2010 - 11:41am

Okay...here goes...


I still love him and I wish I didn't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2009
Mon, 01-11-2010 - 10:21am

Another great idea from our awesome CL! :)


I have to vent that I'm pissed that I had a dream about xAP last night.

NC since October 2, 2009.

&nbsp
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2009
Mon, 01-11-2010 - 10:52am

My vent for today:


I HATE

Sunshine

.

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