I hate that you were my collge BF and I had you on a pedatsal, so when running into you again after 20 years apart, I looked at you thru those childhood eyes, and not thru the lenses of reality.
I hate that you told me I was one of three people you would never ever hurt.
I hate that I did something that was “not me.” I didn’t recognize myself and when I told people, they were disappointed in me and didn’t recognize me either. I hate that my friend cared more about my husband than I did. When I told her what I was doing, she was the supportive friend and said “I just feel bad for (my H).” At that point, I did not even feel bad for what I was doing because I had fully justified it and even told myself that it was helping my marriage.
I hate that I did something that would destroy my husband if he ever found out. It hurts me even more to know that my H would never ever do that to me. He trusts me completely and I betrayed him. I feel undeserving of his love and feel guilty when I spend time with his family who also loves me. I just went on an amazing family ski trip with the in-laws and I felt terrible.
I hate that I still want him to email me. And I especially hate that he will never email me. I hate that at one simple request to not email me anymore, he was able to do just that and let go so quickly.
I hate that after a month and a half of NC, he still consumes my thoughts. I replay our conversations and EVERYTHING else that we did together. I hate that I think about him when I have sex with my husband and I have to think about him to get in the mood. The ironic part is that I never even achieved “the big O” with xMM!!!
I hate that I check his facebook friends (the only thing I have access to since we are not friends…and I know I shouldn’t because it’s breaking NC) and get nervous about finding a young, cute girl as a new friend.
I hate that I wonder if he checks my status and that every time I post something, I wonder what he would think when he read it.
I AM a good person but I did a terrible thing. I disappointed myself, my family, my friends, and most importantly, my incredible H.
gonna email u off the board, but i just wanted to say so proud of you. i know your last month has been hard, but you did. u did it. and you know i know how tough it is. i feel you on most of what you said in your posts. i am right there with you except a minor few exceptions.
be proud of yourself, despite the pain, you have a lot to be proud of...
I hate that he came into my life at a time when i was vulnerable and weak and exploited my weakness to slowly but surely turn a 'friendship' into an affair.
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Here's what I hate...
I hate that you were my collge BF and I had you on a pedatsal, so when running into you again after 20 years apart, I looked at you thru those childhood eyes, and not thru the lenses of reality.
I hate that you told me I was one of three people you would never ever hurt.
I hate that I can think back to a time when I felt that ex-MMs feelings were actually stronger for me than mine were for him.
Dear Mickey,
I tried to send you an email but it did not allow me. If you wish, email me at waiting4thesunshine@gmail.com.
Just wanted to give you a hug and some virtual support.
Sunshine
.
I'm sick and tired of having to close down thousands of PayMyBill.com and Video.nbcuni.com pops ups...PITA!!
Ohhh....vent about affair...nevermind (in my Gilda voice :)
"You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present"
I hate that I did something that was “not me.” I didn’t recognize myself and when I told people, they were disappointed in me and didn’t recognize me either. I hate that my friend cared more about my husband than I did. When I told her what I was doing, she was the supportive friend and said “I just feel bad for (my H).” At that point, I did not even feel bad for what I was doing because I had fully justified it and even told myself that it was helping my marriage.
I hate that I did something that would destroy my husband if he ever found out. It hurts me even more to know that my H would never ever do that to me. He trusts me completely and I betrayed him. I feel undeserving of his love and feel guilty when I spend time with his family who also loves me. I just went on an amazing family ski trip with the in-laws and I felt terrible.
I hate that I still want him to email me. And I especially hate that he will never email me. I hate that at one simple request to not email me anymore, he was able to do just that and let go so quickly.
I hate that after a month and a half of NC, he still consumes my thoughts. I replay our conversations and EVERYTHING else that we did together. I hate that I think about him when I have sex with my husband and I have to think about him to get in the mood. The ironic part is that I never even achieved “the big O” with xMM!!!
I hate that I check his facebook friends (the only thing I have access to since we are not friends…and I know I shouldn’t because it’s breaking NC) and get nervous about finding a young, cute girl as a new friend.
I hate that I wonder if he checks my status and that every time I post something, I wonder what he would think when he read it.
I AM a good person but I did a terrible thing. I disappointed myself, my family, my friends, and most importantly, my incredible H.
Thanks waiting,
H is coming over so I will email you tomorrow.
(((((HUGS)))))) to you as well.
Everything seems to be going sour for me.
For one, tomorrow is going to be exactly 1 whole month (5 weeks) of no contact with xAP.
NC since Dec. 9th 2009
No Contact = No N
Lost,
gonna email u off the board, but i just wanted to say so proud of you. i know your last month has been hard, but you did. u did it. and you know i know how tough it is. i feel you on most of what you said in your posts. i am right there with you except a minor few exceptions.
be proud of yourself, despite the pain, you have a lot to be proud of...
Thanks Sienna, I'll check my e-mail. ;)
NC since Dec. 9th 2009
No Contact = No N
I hate that he came into my life at a time when i was vulnerable and weak and exploited my weakness to slowly but surely turn a 'friendship' into an affair.
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