In Utter Dis-Belief!!
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In Utter Dis-Belief!!
| Wed, 09-15-2004 - 9:43pm |
New to the board, I apologize for the lengthliness, BUT PLEASE READ, I NEED HELP. I am just so happy to have found this. I am in turmoil. But I asked for it, I really did! I know better, I am so ashamed! I be-friended a MM 2.5 years ago. From the very start he told me of the big "D" plans they had made. After we became closer, I really started to question him more about his plans, telling him that i didn't want to be the "OW" (yeah right). I've been through all of their fights and brief separations, lawyer consultations and the like. I even warned him that this was not going to be easy because they seemed to be at such odds. We talked and planned our life in the future, how we would do things, where we would live and everything. I always maintained that after this D-Day "you're gonna need a while" He always assured me that he knew. We talked unceasingly, spent more time together than most of the guys I've dated that were un-attached. He constantly professed his undying love for me and his anticipation of our future. Very typical, HuH? About a year ago, i confronted him about what was taking so long, he claimed it to be financial. It just didn't fit. So for the past 6-8 mos, i have tried,unsuccessfully to end it. Such a whimp, i'm sorry. He would usually tell me i was being negative and that it would soon work out. THEN--- about 5 weeks ago, he became suddenly distant. We went from 10-15 phone calls per day to barely one and that was me calling. After confronting him, he told me that everything was coming to a head, and she (wife) was ready to go. I saw a whole new person. He is devastated. He even cried on my shoulder about his doomed marriage. WHAT?? As if this was a total surprise. I thought maybe a little separation woes. But he has it all. He doesn't call me, I don't see him. Whenever he calls it is to give me the latest update on his feelings. I asked him if this is not what he really wanted, he answered, "i don't know, if you need to go on with your life as i get through this then i understand because i just don't know what i want." I have been boo-hooing to death since then. How could He not mean any of what we had planned? Can someone really just toss someone aside like this. I am devastated!!! I feel guilty angry and disgusted. Could he have been telling his wife all the same things, if so, poor girl, she got tricked too! Is this normal? I really thought this was it. My soul-mate. What am i going to do. Crying and sleeping is getting really old. Help Please!!!

I feel bad for you - but only b/c you have invested years of your life in a man who most likely will not want you after his marriage has ended or will cheat on you in the long run if you do stay together.
Majority of mistress/married men relationships don't last after the wife is out of the picture - reason?
Now that the mistress has become his wife, he has to get a new mistress to fill her shoes.
Also - he may want to start fresh with someone new since you know he is a cheater and he doesn't want to have to deal with the possibilty you will have lack of trust in him.
What you need to do is give him space/time. Don't talk to him for awhile. And find a hobby and friends to fill your time.
Your going to find that the regular posters around he are somewhat kinder then the last one so hang around and give them a chance to to give you a hand to get back on your feet.
To address your questions, this persons actions and lines are pretty much STANDARD OPERATING PROCEDURE for cheating married men, more then likely he never expected to have his marriage end as only 5 to 10 percent of cheating married men every follow through and leave there wife for the other woman, when they do many will leave both the wife and the OW and make a fresh start with a third woman or just date around.
More then 95 percent of affair based relationships die in the first year after coming out of the closet so maybe you should consider yourself lucky in a sad sort of way that you have not ended up with him.
Sorry but crying and sleeping are going to be with you until your done with them and how long that is depends on you.
A common Idea you will here around here is NO CONTACT, cut him out of your life completly unless he comes to you with a divorce decree signed by him and his Xwife, if you let him keep coming back under any other conditions you will not heal ever.
Now that you have found us read many posts, post to vent your feelings WE UNDERSTAND AND HAVE BEEN THERE OR ARE THERE NOW. Post rather then contact him.
If you e-mail each other block his mail and delete his address and all stored mail from him or yours to him, if you IM delete him from your buddie list and ask your phone company to block all calls from ant numbers he calls you from.
Hang in there if you take the required steps in time it will get better.
Free
Hi Cobra,
Listen to Free- she knows here stuff! She and several of the other wonderful people on this board have given me strength and tough-love when I needed it and support and a listening-ear, too. We have all been through the pain and emotions you are feeling, and although our circumstances are quite individual, the process of healing and the emotions involved are pretty universal.
My advice is this- steer clear of this man until his divorce is final and he is 100% available, emotionally and legally. Give him the space he needs to figure out what he wants, but until then, post your feelings here. Vent, cry, ask questions, whatever you need. You can't sit around and wait for him, but for now focus on yourself and heal. You deserve a man who is yours 24/7, and you might be waiting around forever if you keep your sights set on him.
Hugs to you. I know this is hard and you are going through hell. We're hear for you!
Lily
"My question is that he asked me if we could keep the line of credit open for a while because a "divorce" is probably pending and W is taking him for a ride and he really, really is gonna need it. Should I entertain this at all?"
NO NO NO I don't know the specifics of your business arrangement but if you are walking away from the business your name should also be taken off the Line of Credit (as well as any other legal documents there are). That line could and probably will effect your credit history and that isn't easy to repair should it be abused by MM. Let him make arrangements to keep a line of credit in his name if that is what he chooses to do. If the W is taking him for a ride chances are he will start dipping into the company funds including the LOC. YOU do not need to be involved with him or his D.
Good luck, this is a tough situation.
DAF
COVER YOUR A$$
Free
Did I really love my XMM? Not sure anymore. At the time I was sure I did. And I really believed that one day I would wake up 100% ready to committing my future to him. Unfortunately, as time passed, that day wasn't coming, and XMM was moving full-steam ahead with his end of our plans. I got scared and realized that I still had a tiny bit of feeling left for my DH (actually, that tiny bit has grown into a whole big bunch since I ended the A). I felt like I had wasted XMM's time and screwed with his head. I never intended to do anything like that. I thought I loved him and I thought I knew what I was doing. It wasn't until the very last moment - like I'd told DH to move out because we needed to start going our separate ways, this, after seeing an attorney to file for divorce - that I felt that last little ember of love for DH.
It was all very, very confusing. If your XMM is anything at all like me or found himself in anything like my situation, it may not be so much about you as about him. He may not have been able to end his marriage, not because of YOU but because of him. He may never have intended to hurt you. He might have been very, very confused like I was and put something in motion and then didn't know how to stop it. I hope this makes some sense today, and maybe even offers some comfort.
To this day, I've not explained to XMM what happened. He has no clue. In the first few days after I ended the A he sent me a few gifts, phone calls, etc. I didn't acknowledge any of it. He occasionally sends me a text message to let me know he's still thinking about me, which I also don't acknowledge. He probably thinks I'm a cold and cunning monster who couldn't care less about it. The reality is, if you read my posts, my heart is broken over this man, I miss him dearly and think about him every day. I just know that its best if I have absolutely no further contact with him, because I'm NOT going to end my marriage to be with him. So what's the point? I don't want to waste anymore of his time, or hurt my DH anymore than I already have.
Just my humble opinion and humble experience. Love, Mo.
I ask because I personally think my actions were really rather psychotic - just end the entire thing one day and leave him completely in the dark. That was 7, almost 8 months ago, and it's like I just fell off the face of the earth. My T doesn't think my actions were that bizarre, and it is largely on the advice of everyone on this board, as well as my T, that I just leave this situation alone and maintain NC with XMM. But I feel badly. On the one hand, I certainly don't want to hurt him any more than I already have and I don't want to waste anymore of his time. On the other hand, if I thought it would help him heal in any way, I'd be much more likely to contact him with an explanation.
The problem is that I don't trust myself. Your XMM might be very much in this boat, as well. I cannot see this man without losing all control. A phone conversation, lunch, you name it, no matter how limited I try to keep the contact, I know where it's headed. I'll be right back in the grip. I'm trying so hard to be fair and do the right thing.
I hope this gives you some further insight into what has gone on in your ex's head. Love, Mo.