In Utter Dis-Belief!!

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
In Utter Dis-Belief!!
10
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 9:43pm
New to the board, I apologize for the lengthliness, BUT PLEASE READ, I NEED HELP. I am just so happy to have found this. I am in turmoil. But I asked for it, I really did! I know better, I am so ashamed! I be-friended a MM 2.5 years ago. From the very start he told me of the big "D" plans they had made. After we became closer, I really started to question him more about his plans, telling him that i didn't want to be the "OW" (yeah right). I've been through all of their fights and brief separations, lawyer consultations and the like. I even warned him that this was not going to be easy because they seemed to be at such odds. We talked and planned our life in the future, how we would do things, where we would live and everything. I always maintained that after this D-Day "you're gonna need a while" He always assured me that he knew. We talked unceasingly, spent more time together than most of the guys I've dated that were un-attached. He constantly professed his undying love for me and his anticipation of our future. Very typical, HuH? About a year ago, i confronted him about what was taking so long, he claimed it to be financial. It just didn't fit. So for the past 6-8 mos, i have tried,unsuccessfully to end it. Such a whimp, i'm sorry. He would usually tell me i was being negative and that it would soon work out. THEN--- about 5 weeks ago, he became suddenly distant. We went from 10-15 phone calls per day to barely one and that was me calling. After confronting him, he told me that everything was coming to a head, and she (wife) was ready to go. I saw a whole new person. He is devastated. He even cried on my shoulder about his doomed marriage. WHAT?? As if this was a total surprise. I thought maybe a little separation woes. But he has it all. He doesn't call me, I don't see him. Whenever he calls it is to give me the latest update on his feelings. I asked him if this is not what he really wanted, he answered, "i don't know, if you need to go on with your life as i get through this then i understand because i just don't know what i want." I have been boo-hooing to death since then. How could He not mean any of what we had planned? Can someone really just toss someone aside like this. I am devastated!!! I feel guilty angry and disgusted. Could he have been telling his wife all the same things, if so, poor girl, she got tricked too! Is this normal? I really thought this was it. My soul-mate. What am i going to do. Crying and sleeping is getting really old. Help Please!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
In reply to:
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 9:58pm
If he is willing to hurt his wife (by cheating on her, lying to her, and then divorcing her) after he made a lifelong commitment to her in front of God by marrying her -- why in the world do you expect him to be honest with you and not hurt you???

I feel bad for you - but only b/c you have invested years of your life in a man who most likely will not want you after his marriage has ended or will cheat on you in the long run if you do stay together.

Majority of mistress/married men relationships don't last after the wife is out of the picture - reason?

Now that the mistress has become his wife, he has to get a new mistress to fill her shoes.

Also - he may want to start fresh with someone new since you know he is a cheater and he doesn't want to have to deal with the possibilty you will have lack of trust in him.

What you need to do is give him space/time. Don't talk to him for awhile. And find a hobby and friends to fill your time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to:
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 10:17pm
HI Cobra

Your going to find that the regular posters around he are somewhat kinder then the last one so hang around and give them a chance to to give you a hand to get back on your feet.

To address your questions, this persons actions and lines are pretty much STANDARD OPERATING PROCEDURE for cheating married men, more then likely he never expected to have his marriage end as only 5 to 10 percent of cheating married men every follow through and leave there wife for the other woman, when they do many will leave both the wife and the OW and make a fresh start with a third woman or just date around.

More then 95 percent of affair based relationships die in the first year after coming out of the closet so maybe you should consider yourself lucky in a sad sort of way that you have not ended up with him.

Sorry but crying and sleeping are going to be with you until your done with them and how long that is depends on you.

A common Idea you will here around here is NO CONTACT, cut him out of your life completly unless he comes to you with a divorce decree signed by him and his Xwife, if you let him keep coming back under any other conditions you will not heal ever.

Now that you have found us read many posts, post to vent your feelings WE UNDERSTAND AND HAVE BEEN THERE OR ARE THERE NOW. Post rather then contact him.

If you e-mail each other block his mail and delete his address and all stored mail from him or yours to him, if you IM delete him from your buddie list and ask your phone company to block all calls from ant numbers he calls you from.

Hang in there if you take the required steps in time it will get better.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
In reply to:
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 8:06am

Hi Cobra,


Listen to Free- she knows here stuff! She and several of the other wonderful people on this board have given me strength and tough-love when I needed it and support and a listening-ear, too. We have all been through the pain and emotions you are feeling, and although our circumstances are quite individual, the process of healing and the emotions involved are pretty universal.


My advice is this- steer clear of this man until his divorce is final and he is 100% available, emotionally and legally. Give him the space he needs to figure out what he wants, but until then, post your feelings here. Vent, cry, ask questions, whatever you need. You can't sit around and wait for him, but for now focus on yourself and heal. You deserve a man who is yours 24/7, and you might be waiting around forever if you keep your sights set on him.


Hugs to you. I know this is hard and you are going through hell. We're hear for you!


Lily

Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 2:00pm
Thanks to everyone on the board for your responses, all were encouraging. I guess I just needed some assurance that my case was not isolated. Although still in utter shock and disbelief, I am somewhat better, feel a little stronger. Have not gone cold turkey yet. I didn't say in my first post, but we established a business together and in past few months a line of credit as well, (of course in preparation of our future, yeah right!) the business was his brain child and called for certification that he received, i did all of the background work, paperwork more or less. So pretty much, i am relinquishing all of that to him. My question is that he asked me if we could keep the line of credit open for a while because a "divorce" is probably pending and W is taking him for a ride and he really, really is gonna need it. Should I entertain this at all?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
In reply to:
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 3:31pm
Hi Cobra,

"My question is that he asked me if we could keep the line of credit open for a while because a "divorce" is probably pending and W is taking him for a ride and he really, really is gonna need it. Should I entertain this at all?"

NO NO NO I don't know the specifics of your business arrangement but if you are walking away from the business your name should also be taken off the Line of Credit (as well as any other legal documents there are). That line could and probably will effect your credit history and that isn't easy to repair should it be abused by MM. Let him make arrangements to keep a line of credit in his name if that is what he chooses to do. If the W is taking him for a ride chances are he will start dipping into the company funds including the LOC. YOU do not need to be involved with him or his D.

Good luck, this is a tough situation.

DAF


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to:
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 5:01pm
DITTO DITTO DITTO

COVER YOUR A$$

Free

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 10:58am
You guys were right. I took a look at "our" credit account and sure enough he is still using it. He's using it for the business because i can tell by the description of the purchase. Tell me how can you be so bent on "saving " your marriage and using this account of your "other woman"? The nerve..!!! Should i not be so surprised? We opened this account because his wife refused to help him so like a nut i did, of course thinking that we would ultimately be together anyway. This really does put a whole in his air balloon for me. I am just in disbelief. I don't have to worry with "no contact" because he won't call me. He says, "she is very suspicious and its just a big mess now trying to figure out the divorce, (which he told me that he refused to pay for, go figure?) Where is your wife now? I guess i do need to close this account before he really sticks me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
In reply to:
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 12:00pm
Well, Cobra, you've gotten alot of really good responses to your post, but I just wanted to jump in with my .02 because I did something similar to what your XMM did to you. I just up and ended my A (which was really more of a relationship than an A). I don't think my XMM had any idea it was coming. I'd been telling him that I was working on a divorce and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, we were going to raise our kids together, we were thinking about where we wanted to live, etc. So what the heck was going on in MY head????

Did I really love my XMM? Not sure anymore. At the time I was sure I did. And I really believed that one day I would wake up 100% ready to committing my future to him. Unfortunately, as time passed, that day wasn't coming, and XMM was moving full-steam ahead with his end of our plans. I got scared and realized that I still had a tiny bit of feeling left for my DH (actually, that tiny bit has grown into a whole big bunch since I ended the A). I felt like I had wasted XMM's time and screwed with his head. I never intended to do anything like that. I thought I loved him and I thought I knew what I was doing. It wasn't until the very last moment - like I'd told DH to move out because we needed to start going our separate ways, this, after seeing an attorney to file for divorce - that I felt that last little ember of love for DH.

It was all very, very confusing. If your XMM is anything at all like me or found himself in anything like my situation, it may not be so much about you as about him. He may not have been able to end his marriage, not because of YOU but because of him. He may never have intended to hurt you. He might have been very, very confused like I was and put something in motion and then didn't know how to stop it. I hope this makes some sense today, and maybe even offers some comfort.

To this day, I've not explained to XMM what happened. He has no clue. In the first few days after I ended the A he sent me a few gifts, phone calls, etc. I didn't acknowledge any of it. He occasionally sends me a text message to let me know he's still thinking about me, which I also don't acknowledge. He probably thinks I'm a cold and cunning monster who couldn't care less about it. The reality is, if you read my posts, my heart is broken over this man, I miss him dearly and think about him every day. I just know that its best if I have absolutely no further contact with him, because I'm NOT going to end my marriage to be with him. So what's the point? I don't want to waste anymore of his time, or hurt my DH anymore than I already have.

Just my humble opinion and humble experience. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 2:33pm
Thanks Mo. That really is something and i will now go back and read some of your posts. Your situation is exactly like mine, in reverse of course. I still have not gone completely NC, but that doesnt seem to be a problem b/c it seems like that now because we barely talk 3 times a week (compared to all the way to work, all day at work, etc. etc.) Your explanation is the only one that makes any sense. None of the ones i authored could quite gel. I think that when it got to the point of physically leaving, those few "ambers" began to spark, and although he felt a lot for me, it wasn't enough to leave his wife. His reaction is similar to yours, he doesn't call or come to see me anymore, He really just cut me off, after 2 years of what i thoutht was glorius. That bothered me more than anything initially. This is the same person that would fuss if i had not called him by 9 a.m. (we both worked early a.m.)It has been about 6-7 weeks since he "flipped the script" and i have been suffering, but i guess its better he made the decision now than later. Thanks again for sharing, hurtful but healing. God Bless!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
In reply to:
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 3:34pm
And now I wonder if I could ask you a question. In all honesty, do you think that if your XMM did end your relationship for the same reasons I ended mine, and he explained that to you, do you think you would understand? Would it help or hurt to hear this?

I ask because I personally think my actions were really rather psychotic - just end the entire thing one day and leave him completely in the dark. That was 7, almost 8 months ago, and it's like I just fell off the face of the earth. My T doesn't think my actions were that bizarre, and it is largely on the advice of everyone on this board, as well as my T, that I just leave this situation alone and maintain NC with XMM. But I feel badly. On the one hand, I certainly don't want to hurt him any more than I already have and I don't want to waste anymore of his time. On the other hand, if I thought it would help him heal in any way, I'd be much more likely to contact him with an explanation.


The problem is that I don't trust myself. Your XMM might be very much in this boat, as well. I cannot see this man without losing all control. A phone conversation, lunch, you name it, no matter how limited I try to keep the contact, I know where it's headed. I'll be right back in the grip. I'm trying so hard to be fair and do the right thing.

I hope this gives you some further insight into what has gone on in your ex's head. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10