Valentines day carnage

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Valentines day carnage
20
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 11:35pm

hi all,

i was sitting at home about 1 hr ago and i got a call from OW, call was blocked so i picked up the phone, it was her, i was so surprise, she said hi and started to talk to me, she told me i need to move on and that there is no more hope for us, she told me to go out and find someone, if i dont do it for myself she ask me to do it for her, she told me not to have hope anymore, and dont seek her out in a couple of months or years, she said she is actively looking for a job and will move when she finds one and that she will never contact me anymore when she moves

this all lasted like about 2-3 minutes, after she stop talking she said goodnite and hanged up

dang , i had no idea what the heck happened, it was very unlike her to call me, she seldom calls me even when we are in good terms

i felt hurt while she was telling me on the phone, now im in shock actually, i dont know what to make of it, why is she trying to hurt me some more, she knows im miserable , why kick me when im down

max

just want to know, i know im over analyzing this again, maybe i shoukd take it on its face value

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 12:18am
Max, what are YOUR hobbies? Besides watching TV, what do you enjoy doing in your spare time?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2003
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 12:24am
What is up with her, she can call you but tells you not to call her, I would send her a text telling her please do not wait till you switch jobs to stop contact. Tell her you agree it is over and please do as you are and stop all calls, texts and emails! Wish her luck and move on!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 12:46am

i like to read a good book which i am not able to do so far, i like to garden, ride my motorcycle ( sportsbike) its been raining here int he San Francisco bay area and its too cold to ride, i like to go out and eat, travel,none of this i have done since i was with her, its sad, all i did was to try to be with her and worry when i am not with her

its sick i know, im sick, how did i let her do this to me, i need to get back my life

i dont know why she called, when she called she asked me where was i and i told her i went home early to beat the traffic and the rest she just said her piece i guess

i just want to end all this pain and suffering, i know i need to keep myself busy, i am working on it slowly, im realy having a hard time, im on this board coz i feel it helps me cope with all of this

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 1:55am

hi max

Eventually you will be able to read again, you'll want to do all the things that you used to find joy in. You've come a long way by realizing that continuing to hold on is not helping. Her phone call, while from her perspective might have been trying to help you move on, has only served to bring it all back again. Try to forget the phone call. Go back on this board and read some of your recent posts about your resolve to be strong. Being angry with her is important. Not acting on that anger is just as important. Being sad is important, but not acting on it is also important. Acceptance is important. The closer you get to acceptance the more strength you will build.

Today was a hard day, Valentine's Day...seeing her at work and then the phone call. Be proud of yourself that you made it through with you dignity in place. tomorrow is another day.

I know the weather is not the best, it's supposed to rain all week. I find it refreshing to go hiking in the rain...sounds silly but it is invigorating...feels like being a kid and not really caring if your hair gets wet or your clothes get wet. Try it, get out and do something physical...even if its in the rain. Give it 20 mins and if you don't like it then go home and dry off and light a fire.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 8:46am

Hi Max,

I can't believe the OW did that!! She has some nerve. That was very low of her to call you like that when she knows you're working thru it and it's the worst holiday of the year. Granted I don't have much perspective due to age, but from my point of view she seems to just care about herself. I'm sorry that you had to deal with that. Be strong - after all it's HER loss!!

Blue

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 8:59am

hi never,

i was not able to sleep well last nite, its 6 am here and it is raining still

i dont know why she called me and said all those things she said, and she voice was so calm and normal too, i was so hurt to hear what she had to say, i did not have time to say anything back, she said bye and hanged up

im just glad that day was over, now its another day

thanks, i am just waiting for the day i can accept all of this and move on, the pain is too much

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 10:04am

Max:
I must say...I am confused by your exAP. Why she felt the need to call you on THAT day, after you hadn't had contact for 4 days other than seeing her at work. Its not like you called her THAT day. I think she has quite the damn ego. NOTHING better to kill a selfish ego than ignoring them.

Think about that when NC seems to be hard yet you want a lil power over yourself. NC Kills her. Gosh...my xMM had an ego but even he wouldn't have done that.

I know you cared about her but yesterday you got to see a very selfish side to her. She might be thinking she called you to thwart an attempt you might make on that day. But she showed her true colors by calling you at the END of the day (it was 11:30 PM wasnt it?).

Obviously you were very very good to her attention wise. Someone out there deserves you so much. Someone who is ok with attention and wants to give it back. Someone who doesn't see attention from a man as weak but generous. Sometimes certain women want to be the giver and some want to strictly be the taker ...some women find a balance and need that, both partners feeling happy in a situation, mutual attraction, wants and needs.
I am so proud of you...you are really trying. You are a great man with what you've learned. Think about how much you've probably changed since you were married, think about the positives the affair gave you as far as how YOU feel about what YOU want. Take the positives learn from the negatives, apply to someone really special ..when you are ready.

Now you know you have the capacity to want someone with your heart. You just had a training session with crooked training wheels on what turns out to be a piece of junk..and fell down and went boom is all.
When you are ready: here's an analogy
Find that fine NEW machine ya wanna ride and keep fixed and add new fixtures to... with all the new information from that manual you just read and lol...it will perform and love you back and take you on beautiful trips lol (trying to appease the engineer/rider in ya) LOL...

Hope today is a good day for all,
Lizzie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 11:05am

hi lizzie,

i dont know why she needed to call me, i was avoiding her and i saw her at work during the morning, i went home early to beat the traffic, then she called me asking me where i am and i told her i was at home and then she started talking ...........

i now know i can never have a future with her, i am upset but still not resentful, i want to be realy mad at her, i treated her with love and respect, i even cared for her daughter even if i have not met her, i gave her daughter bday gifts, carved pumpins for her on halloween and and gave it to OW and she told her to give it to her daughter and say that she got it from work, yes i gave her so much attention , i have never anything like this for her, never felt so connected, maybe it is why i am so hurt when she ended it, i invested all i got on her and i lost

i like ur analogy, i just hope i can recover from this, its been a very hard time for me, it is affecting all aspect of my life

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 11:13am

SOunds to me like OW was making sure you know the door to any future with her is closed shut and that it's best you move on in another direction with your life.


I understand the spinning your emotions are going through. I went through them myself after receiving a similar call as yours.


All I can tell you is the pain will pass as you change your focus to forward and a life receptive to something new. Yes, for a time it can be unsettling, however, it's doable.


In one of your posts to me you mentioned your prior military service. I suggest you think of this change of events as another mission for you to set out on. Right now it's recon to get the lay of the new land in front of you as a newly made absolutely single person. Follow through. Think of the next objective since you've received your "order" that in clear and no uncertain terms no more contact with your last "objective".


Keep moving forward......


cl-nre

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 6:41pm

thanks CL,

i know i need to move on , i wish i can think of it as easy as reading it from your post, i mean i wish its easy for me to do, i feel a bit much better now, especially coming to work , its so hard coming to work and she is like 20 feet away from me

i know it is doable,

thanks,max

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