Validation and Power
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Validation and Power
| Thu, 02-25-2010 - 11:48am |
Since your ego hasn't been getting the validation it was receiving from xap, do you find yourself seeking it from
| Thu, 02-25-2010 - 11:48am |
Since your ego hasn't been getting the validation it was receiving from xap, do you find yourself seeking it from
Hi new (:
You and I think alike! I have been wrestling with this exact stuff the past few days. Life without that validation piece does feel rather empty at times--everything feels so status quo. And I for one with my junkie mind have always craved INTENSITY. Usually from men, sometimes from shopping like a mad woman, sometimes from eating, sometimes from drinking. I would and still do look for that validation and intensity in lots of other places rather than just let things be.
I've noticed lately that I'm back to sort of trying to seek validation at work. Interesting cuz the past few years I hardly worked at all. I was so obsessed with phone calls, texts and emails that I let it all sllliiidddee. Now, I've shifted to the other side.
I'm also noticing that I've become more power hungry with my h. I'm sort of bossing him around and acting all smart--like somehow I have all the relationship stuff so figured out that I can play therapist! A bad, bad deal. It's caused some ugliness around home. ):
I definately find that now that the validating isn't coming in--I'm having to take responsibility for my own life. It's hard! Setting boundries is such a challenge for me. I either get too aggressive or passive. While during the A I sort of just surrendered all my power to my AP! And I thought I was living the dream. Oh brother! ):
I'm really trying to work on self-care these days. Just taking care of me--getting back to my own life that I literally gave up on for two whole damn years. (Oh, except of course during the A I certainly made sure I had a ton of new Victoria Secret matching things, a million new outfits I couldn't afford, my hair always foiled and done, my nails, etc...--ok that was selfish junk!!)
I'm going to have to do more thinking on all of this. Good thread hun!
LL
LL,
Your right!
Hi, New -
Over the course of the almost-four months since ending the A, I've done different things re: ego, addiction and validation. I was too numb in the beginning to do much besides exist, but I DID boss my H around like he was my b*tch for a few months. Not good. I drank (drink) too much -- hello, avoidance addiction! And recently I noticed that I am flirting with men more. I think that now that I'm feeling 'better', I want to feel wanted and have more spark and vivaciousness to contend with. I'm reeling in the flirting on a major scale, though.
I am refocusing myself on work and have had a few high points in the last few months. And I am trying to do more entertaining and socializing at home. I've made a few new really nice friends recently and I love to cook and be the hostess -- their acknowledgments that I am, indeed, the hostess with the mostess has been healthy validation.
Once one comes out of the funk, it's a whole lot easier to have the energy to find healthy outlets and revenues for validation.
Best,
Dee
Thank you much
new,
this is a really thought-provoking post---thank you for starting this thread. for me, validation has never come from within---i have always sought it externally. it is not something that i was even aware of until fairly recently.
right now, the void is HUGE, as i had put all of my eggs in one basket with xap, but for the first time i think, i recognize it for what it is. junkies, indeed. i think you have identified it precisely. i remember the calm that descended over me when i would get my validation fix from xap---but of course it was short-lived and ultimately unsatisfying. once again, all roads lead to nowhere with an addiction.
what am i doing now? well, coming here is a lifeline for me. the understanding and comfort i have gotten from the women here have helped me so much. that being said, criticism from the ladies here is really hard for me to bear. i read every day even if i don't post. i am also in therapy, which is helping me to develop insight. my therapist often tells me that the things i perceive myself to be lacking---such as setting boundaries and valuing myself--are skill sets that can be gotten and practiced and developed.
i am very aware and trying to be on guard against my feelings about and behaviors toward men. i have a tendency to be flirtatious and seductive to get their attention, so i am concentrating hard on my behavior right now.
i am also trying to be more "present" in my profession---a healthy place to get validation. some days are better than others. right now my self-esteem is low, and i feel like i am in "survival mode".
thanks for asking the question and making me think.
lillie