Vent: Just mad at myself for opening that painful door!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2011
Vent: Just mad at myself for opening that painful door!
3
Tue, 01-08-2013 - 2:56pm

I posted a couple of weeks ago about how I had been in contact with xap again after going 6 months NC.  I am still emotionally all over the place and today as I drove to the store it hit me that I when I contacted him out of the blue it was like I threw out the freaking red carpet and said "come on in and lets screw up both of our lives just a little bit more!!!Frown

Ugh!  I'm in a horrible mood today...lol.  I hate the month of January for various reasons and wish I could sleep through the rest of the month.  I am always a basketcase this time of year and I didn't need xap drama added to it.  But who can I blame for that?  Only me of course.....

PS. A bright spot for today....It is Elvis' birthday.  Laughing

Sometimes you just have to die a little inside in order to be reborn and rise again as a stronger and wiser version of you!
Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010

You are right, it's hard to accept self responsability for doing dumb things.

It doesn't get any easier as you get older. Bah-humbug.

Elvis would be 78 today. Do you think that if he gotten straightened out, got away from the drugs that he would still be active today?  Would he be out, competing for the concert dollars with the Rolling Stones, etc.?  Interesting thought.

All speculation of course, but what would you be doing if you hadn't woke up to the A?  

Get what I am asking?

Vent on, I am a Elvis lover. (music that is)

Rather....who has known to vent and rant.

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2011
Well, if hadn't woken up (and kept waking up during the night thinking of it too) to thoughts of xap today I would have been in a much better mood at the grocery store...lol. I might have been able to listen to the radio without so many songs reminding me of him. And I wouldn't have been chewing myself out for what I've done. And if I had woken up today without any A at all ever happening....that would have been fabulous. It would be nice to not have xap in mind at all...whether he is just hovering in the back or right at the front he's always there...ugh! My birthday is this month, too and you might remember that I have age issues which is probably partly to blame for me taking up with a guy 14 yrs my junior anyway....So January is just a sucky month for me all the way around. I absolutely love Elvis, which is probably a little odd since I was only about 8 months old when he died. I have tons of his music on my mp3 player & posters of him in my office...lol.
Sometimes you just have to die a little inside in order to be reborn and rise again as a stronger and wiser version of you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2001

JustWhoIam,

not much to say other than, every day we get the opportunity to direct our life the way we want to.  Some of those ways are hard.

wear your truth with pride.  Yes, you fall but then get up again to continue the journey that is life.