A very difficult decision
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| Mon, 11-29-2010 - 9:31pm |
I am sad to the point of numbness today. I am sad almost to the point of disbelief. Yet I am calm. There is no place left to hide or to escape to. I am faced with myself, the shambles of my M and the decision of what to do with the rest of my life. I know I must work on myself and face some truths. One of those is that my DH is never going to be able to meet my needs. We are just too different, with different drives, interests and goals. I have been with him longer than I've been without him. 28 years. This realization, which I am finally ready to face, is very difficult.
I told my H tonight that I am done with the M. No hysterics, no drama. He knows what I'm talking about. He's been absent both physically and emotionally for a very long time. We went to MC earlier this year (during one of my breaks with xAP) and I thought things were going to get better. And they did for about two or three weeks. Now we are right back to the same place where we co-exist in the same house but nothing more. I just don't have anything left to give. I don't have any more words for him. I am just done.
One of my dearest girlfriends pointed out to me Saturday night that I've been sitting on the fence with my marriage for as long as she's known me--about 15 years. I was always too afraid to leave even though I knew then that we were not longer right for one another. We were kids--20 and 23--when we got married. We "grew up" together but we grew apart. It is very hard for me to write this. It is very painful to face this truth, but I can't keep doing this...being so unhappy, not getting my emotional needs met. I had an A 21 years ago, 8 years ago and now again with the first AP. I can't keep doing this, either. It is not fair to him and it's not fair for me to look for satisfaction outside of the marriage. We have both hurt each other in different ways.
I am posting here now because I just spent about 30 minutes sitting outside with a cup of tea and letting my mind wander back to the beginning of my A (this one--pretty sick that I need to clarify that, isn't it??) I was thinking of him, how we first met, how he made me feel when I was with him. I was starting to get into yucky and dangerous territory. So I stubbed out my cig and came here to post how I am feeling right now.
I read some of the stories here--Dee, TU and Luvin come to mind immediately--and I find strength in them. Whatever happens, I will be okay. I am tired of running from myself and I'm ready to take full responsibility for my mistakes but also for my own happiness.
The circumstances that xAP came back into my life are so coincidental as to be uncanny. He came back into my life at a vulnerable

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Hey Alwayst,
(((((((HUGS)))))))).
You know...I think I heard you LET OUT A BREATH...when you were done writing this.
DECISIONS are so much more of a start and opportunity than riding that fence, aren't they?
You are a BRAVE WOMAN ALWAYS.
I hope with decision comes the peace and possibility that you desire so greatly; because God KNOWS...YOURE worth it.
xo,
michelle
Always2 I am thinking of you tonight!
Thinking of you and sending you a big hug. It is a big step you are taking so be gentle and kind with yourself. Take each day as it comes and go as slowely as you need to through this process. One of my regrets when ending my marriage was rushing through it all, as Melinda said your M wasn't built in a day and ending will take time and patience. Sleep well alwayst2 my thoughts and prayers are with you:)
I went to bed after I posted last night so it was truly heartwarming to read all these supportive responses this morning. Thank you ladies so much. I am going to need you more than ever.
DH and I will talk more about what we are going to do and how we are going to handle things later this evening. We aren't going to rush into anything and we're def going to get through the holidays first. We have much to think about and decide and like I told him, I don't want this to be one-sided.
We have two children who, fortunately, are young adults graduated from college and
Dear Alwayst2,
A decision
((((((Alwayst)))))))),
I just wanted to also tell you, I was where you are right now 15 years ago.
Oh Always-
I am struggling with the exact same situation myself.
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