A very difficult decision
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| Mon, 11-29-2010 - 9:31pm |
I am sad to the point of numbness today. I am sad almost to the point of disbelief. Yet I am calm. There is no place left to hide or to escape to. I am faced with myself, the shambles of my M and the decision of what to do with the rest of my life. I know I must work on myself and face some truths. One of those is that my DH is never going to be able to meet my needs. We are just too different, with different drives, interests and goals. I have been with him longer than I've been without him. 28 years. This realization, which I am finally ready to face, is very difficult.
I told my H tonight that I am done with the M. No hysterics, no drama. He knows what I'm talking about. He's been absent both physically and emotionally for a very long time. We went to MC earlier this year (during one of my breaks with xAP) and I thought things were going to get better. And they did for about two or three weeks. Now we are right back to the same place where we co-exist in the same house but nothing more. I just don't have anything left to give. I don't have any more words for him. I am just done.
One of my dearest girlfriends pointed out to me Saturday night that I've been sitting on the fence with my marriage for as long as she's known me--about 15 years. I was always too afraid to leave even though I knew then that we were not longer right for one another. We were kids--20 and 23--when we got married. We "grew up" together but we grew apart. It is very hard for me to write this. It is very painful to face this truth, but I can't keep doing this...being so unhappy, not getting my emotional needs met. I had an A 21 years ago, 8 years ago and now again with the first AP. I can't keep doing this, either. It is not fair to him and it's not fair for me to look for satisfaction outside of the marriage. We have both hurt each other in different ways.
I am posting here now because I just spent about 30 minutes sitting outside with a cup of tea and letting my mind wander back to the beginning of my A (this one--pretty sick that I need to clarify that, isn't it??) I was thinking of him, how we first met, how he made me feel when I was with him. I was starting to get into yucky and dangerous territory. So I stubbed out my cig and came here to post how I am feeling right now.
I read some of the stories here--Dee, TU and Luvin come to mind immediately--and I find strength in them. Whatever happens, I will be okay. I am tired of running from myself and I'm ready to take full responsibility for my mistakes but also for my own happiness.
The circumstances that xAP came back into my life are so coincidental as to be uncanny. He came back into my life at a vulnerable

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Alwayst-
I'm sorry I'm so late chiming in.
Always -
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Hi AT2,
I know you have struggled with what to do about your M for a long time but I had no idea that you have been on the fence about it for 15 years.
I know you were writing about going to IC a few weeks ago. I don’t know what the outcome was as I missed a lot on the board over the past couple of weeks. So are you in IC? If so have you discussed this with your T?
You sounded finite in your first post but in your reply you wrote:
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So are you off the fence and it’s over or are you talking about a separation where things could still be reconciled?
Forgive me but I’m confused. So it makes it hard to know how to reply.
Also, how many MC sessions did you attend earlier this year? Didn’t seem like you went to MC for very long.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Thank you all for your heartfelt support. It means more to me than I can possibily say. I don't
what's amazing to me that just shines through all your words, Always...is that while you might be confused - YOU
Thanks AT2 for explaining. I bet I had you lafin. I thought…ok I wanna grab her hand and support the heck otta her…sing Kumbaya…you know the whole nine yards... but what the heck am I supporting!
I agree that it is not your job to change your DH which is why I was careful in my post to ask what both of you have tried with regard to rebuilding.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
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