Very nervous - been lurking for 2 years
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Very nervous - been lurking for 2 years
| Mon, 08-02-2010 - 12:27pm |
Hi everyone,
I feel like I know you all as I've been lurking that long – two years in total.
I am married and have one DS, aged 12.
I had a four year affair with a work colleague that I ended on Wednesday 14th July.
I'll give you some more details, but feel so embarrassed and ashamed at how little content I have to tell you – even though it is long – apologies.
It started off in June 2006 with some email flirting and quickly moved to some physical contact, but not full sex, this happened approximately a year later, after him trying to end things a couple of times.
He didn't offer much else.

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Hello- And welcome to EAS. Since you've been lurking for so long, have you read the rules for maintaining LC at work? By asking him how he was, yes, you did violate those rules, but you can move on and start LC now. The first thing you have to realize is that it doesn't matter what he thinks anymore... so stop tormenting yourself about what he must think because you were so nice. It doesn't matter. If you are really committed to ending this A, then you just do the NC/LC thing and move on. You said that it seems that he moves on so easily and I know that hurts, but you can do it too. Keep coming here. Keep posting for support. You will get through this. You will regain your dignity. You will do this one day at a time.
Hugs,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
INT,
Jane offered you some good advice. Be sure to read the "How to maintain LC at the workplace" thread in the HL. It worked for me (we still work together), and it will work for you IF you implement the strategies suggested. AND, no more small talk, honey. You owe him nothing nor do you need to be little miss nice for any reason other than behaving professional. With time, your emotions will disengage, but it's not going to happen overnight. It took me at least a year.
One day at a time, and thank you for sharing your story.
(((Hugs)))
~Iddy~
Hi Nearly,
No need to feel stupid, we are all here because we accepted less than we should have. At the end of the night they left us to go back to their real lives. NONE of us should have accepted that. So stop looking backward and look forward now.
I am glad you posted because writing out your story will start to show you things you didn't realize you felt. Also the A gets out of your head. For two years you been thinking the same thoughts, now you will be able to hear different perspectives and that will help you heal.
Start LC and read and post here. We are all fighting our way out. You are not alone! It is going to take some strength, but as a few have said, staying in the A and puttiing up with all the stuff we did took a lot of strength, so I know you have it in you. This stretch of the journey you have to leave xAP behind and walk alone now. You have to believe in yourself, we will be cheering for you!!
Congrats on wanting more for yourself! :)
Hi Secret
Thank you for replying to me.
I have read the rules for maintaining LC many times but have broke them many times by initiating contact myself. I was quite shocked that he spoke to me first and automatically responded by being nice. I honestly had no intentions of breaking NC further by emailing him afterwards. I feel I have a little bit of dignity by ending it myself this time without there being an incident and an angry email. I keep this in mind when I feel like contacting him.
I understand that it doesn't matter what he thinks and I wasn't meaning it in the usual way as in does he care or not. I suppose I didn't want him to think I was being nice so that things would start up again or feeling okay with the way he treated me. But I have read enough to know that even this is putting the emphasis on him and not me, so I will tell myself it doesn't matter at all. Maybe it is better for him to think that I am okay and have moved on than get some sort of ego boost from thinking I'm still reacting.
Hugs INT x
Hi Iddy
Thanks also for replying.
I will re read the LC rules and actually stick to them this time. When I see him approaching just think professional/LC. Actually think before I answer. It is very very rare that he needs to speak to me in person, it is usually by email, this way I will have enough time to compose myself.
I know I owe him nothing, he literally gave me nothing and took lots. It's been hard for me to give it up because of this. I was so desperate for something to come out of the last four years, friendship, love anything other than just sex.
Although I have been lurking for the last two years, I have been active in the A, so understand why I haven't moved on.
I'm quite proud of myself for getting the courage to post my story. I was so worried no one would reply. Also because it was not love and he did not string me along, I wondered what advice anybody could have for me. I have been trying to work it out myself for so long.
I know it's one day at a time and I feel hope now. Hopefully the fog will clear and give me some space in my head to find some answers as to why.
Hugs INT x
Hi WU
I know we all accepted less than we should have, but I feel sometimes I accepted noting. When I read on other posts how XAP declared their love, promised to leave, even opened up and spoke about their problems, I understand why somebody could have fallen for them and continued. I did not get any of this and it makes me realise how little I must think so little of myself.
You are right though for two years I have been thinking the same thoughts, my self esteem getting lower making my thoughts get totally out of perspective. Rationalising his behavior, going against my own instinct which is truly soul destroying. It has felt like a vicious circle I couldn't stop.
I don't know what is different at the moment, sometimes it feels like lots and then other times it feels exactly the same. But I have posted and this is different. I have people I can tell my thoughts to and they can give me honest advice instead of just relying on my fogged up ones.
Thank you for cheering for me, I feel excited.
INT x
I'm proud of you coming out of "lurkdom" and posting your story. And you certainly have nothing to be ashamed of here. Chances are someone has done or felt everything you have.
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INT, I can't even begin to tell you not only how little I got from my XAP, but how much he sucked out of me. Our relationship started out great, as they all do, but for the past probably 5 of the 7.5 years, it was 2% good and 98% toxic. You're right, it is a vicious circle and it's up to you to stop it.
Think of yourself and your relationship like a yo-yo and your XAP has been the one holding the string. You go up when he pulls you and down when he pushes you away. Well you know what happens when you cut the yo-yo string? He smacks himself in the face and you are free to have a healthy, happy life.
<<>>
That's right - and the people here are amazing. They are proof every day that there really is life after the A.
Bodhi
Hi Bodhi
It feels good to have someone say they are proud of me. I feel for once I am on the right track and I also have to be accountable for my actions - I seemed to have lost this along the way.
It's amazing how we still crave these relationships considering how toxic and unhappy they made us. I wonder what we are so scared of that we think this is better than RL.
You are one of the posters that made me want to actually post my story. Over the last couple of years I have seen so many people start off the same as me and gradually get better and move on, whilst I am still here lurking - stuck.
When you came along and I could see your progress, I did actually think, I want some of that. I want to feel good again - thank you.
INT x
Dear INT X
I just wanted to drop you a line to welcome you to the board! I saw in a different post that you were feeling anxious about saying the right things - please don't feel this way. All new enders begin in a different place, the important thing is that we begin our ending journey and stay committed. I used to welcome tough love in my early days because I knew that I couldn't trust myself. My best thinking had lead me into an A, and that same unwell self could surely not lead me out of it - well, not on its own.
By bringing all our thoughts to the board, we are able to tap into the wisest of the wise when it comes to ending, before we take actions that we will later regret. When someone is still wanting to engage in affair related behaviour, they will be unable to tolerate the rules of the board ... they will resist or leave all together.
When you have hit bottom, when you know you have had enough, you recognize that tough love is coming from voices that had benefited from the cumulative knowledge that has been gained through the experiences of hundreds and hundreds of others who have walked the long, difficult journey out of an affair. There is no other motive than to support one another's healing.
So welcome,
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
INT :)
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It is, isn't it? I think it's the fear of the unknown. For some reason, however horrible the relationship was for all of us, we KNEW it. After finding EAS, I see that others have made it out - and there is something better.
<<>>
You made my night :) I'm so glad that you'll be stuck no more! I feel the same way about the Tweeners and the Vets here. I am so envious of the posters that have mended their relationships with their husbands. They have real, healthy, honest relationships. I want a husband of my very own someday.
Bodhi
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