VERY SCARED!!! Please help!
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| Tue, 06-14-2005 - 2:12pm |
PLEASE HELP!!!!
Confessed my A to my H and now I am scared he may leave me.
Here is my story. A bit long, but please read it!!!!
Some of you who have followed my story, MM broke off our 11 month A on June 6, 2005. He was such a coward that he couldn’t even tell me in my face after I asked him if he wants to end the A, or not, instead leaves me a damn vm and breaks off the A.
Needless to say I never felt so hurt, used & angry in my life and never has anyone treated me like this before. He literally tore my soul apart. I was so sad and cried for days. I tried to hide it at home, but the pain was just too much for me to handle. So, I confessed my A to my H. He forgave me and wants to work this out, however, I am scared.
My H has been expressing his sorrow and pain thru letters. Every day he writes me a letter. He tells me when he is a little happy, or when he is sad, or when he’s hurt, etc. I guess it’s his way of dealing with his pain.
We decided NOT to go to MC, but trying to work this out between us first.
I still feel that H may still leave me and I am VERY scared.
Today, for the first time since the last time I spoke to MM (last Thursday), I had the urge to call him. Not because I miss him, but to tell him how angry I am with him. I am sure he knows, but I wanna tell him what he has done to my life. I wanna tell him that I hate him for the way he ended it with me and if he would have had a different approach to it, I probably would never have told my H about my A.
I know I have to take responsibility for my own actions. I strongly believe now that I was nothing more to MM than a Booty Call. He still had the nerve to tell me in his last vm, “Oh, but I still wanna be your friend.”
I am VERY hurt and VERY angry at MM. I mean, part of me says, okay he did the right thing by ending it because this can’t go on forever, like he said. But I am angry with him the way he just broke it off with me. It’s like he didn’t wanna face me and treated these 11 months we had together like nothing.
I don’t know if I made the right decision by telling my H, but I did. I can’t change that now. What’s done is done. This will either break us apart, or make our M stronger than before.
I was prepared that if I tell H he might leave me. I still feel that maybe when this whole thing sinks into his mind, he might leave me. He even told me that it crossed his mind a few times to just take off and leave everything behind, and just start a new life somewhere else, but he also said that he couldn’t imagine living his life without me.
My H wrote me in one of his letters that there will be constant reminders of what happened. I mean, each and every day there are signs all over us that remind me of MM, like when I see the car that he also has, or I hear someone’s name that’s MM name, or I see a black guy with a white girl in the street (MM is black, I am white), etc.
The last things MM said to me in his vm really crushed my heart. He said that his conscience was killing him and he couldn’t pretend in front of his W that everything was okay when he was seeing me on the side and then he also said that he couldn’t even swallow his food at home during dinner. It was almost like towards the end he cared more about his W’s feelings, than about mine. I mean, yes, I know she comes first, but when I first met MM he talked about his W like trash and towards the VERY end of our A when he broke it off with me, I was ended up being the trash.
I hate myself for risking my life, my M for an MM who probably never cared about me. I finally realized that by the way he ended the A with me. I never meant anything for him.
I still think about MM, although I am filled more with anger now, than love I felt for him in the past. I still check my cell phone from time to time and my e-mail. I know he won’t call me anymore, but it’s hard to let go of old habits. The anger inside of me wants to call his W and tell her everything, although I won’t do that. But I feel why should MM just live his life like nothing happened and me on the other hand who knows what will happen in my M now.
I just had to tell you all this. I feel VERY scared right now. I know my H said he’s willing to forgive me and try to work this out, but I also feel that as the days go by he will change his mind and leave me instead.
Thanks for reading my story and please NO HARSH WORDS!!!! I am dealing with a LOT of pain as it is now. I know support comes in all different perspective, so if you feel that you have to go off on me instead, I ask you kindly to please just skip my story.
Porcelaingirl (a.k.a. Sadgirl)

To tell you the truth, I can't see how you both can resolve this without counseling. Do you feel the marriage is salvagable?
Does your H know that the MM was black? I am not being racist - but my ex-H was black and when I do dating as soon as I show the datee a picture of my son (he is obviously mixed). They run for the hills never to be heard from again.
I vaguely remember you porcelaingirl from the A board but don't remember much about your story. First thing, I think you are making a mistake not seeing a therapist. At the very least, you personally should be talkign about all these things to a therapist alone. It wouldn't be wise for your H to hear all this if he does agree to MC. In MC, the focus shoudl be on you and H and what you can do to fix your marriage, nothing about MM at all. I'm not going to judge you about telling your H. I did the same thing and I left and divorced him because I felt things were too far gone. However, a year after the divorce, we are seeing each other again. I'm not saying you should separate but you need to slow down and take the focus off MM and think about why you entered the A in the first place. If your H does come to you and say he needs time apart, know that maybe this is the best thing. Then again, he may not - as we all know all too well, men are very relucant to leave their marriage. Don't rush or pressure him. I know this is hard and thats why you need a therapist pronto.
Oh and about telling his wife - I understand, I really do (if you've read my story, you'll know why) but really his wife has nothing to do with this and hasn't she punishment enough being married to this jerk? If you cause pain to an innocent person, NOTHING good will come of it. You will reap bad karma on yourslef and become even more obsessed with MM.
JMHO,
Ivy
Thank you both for your replies!
I suggested H MC, but he said he doesn't wanna do that. He wants to fix this between the 2 of us. I told him I would give him time and if we see things are not improving, then we will have to seek MC!!!!
H has been asking me a LOT of questions about xMM. Almost every night there are about 3-4 questions. He said he needs to hear it. I told him I don't think it's a good idea that I talk about xMM. I guess everyone deals with pain in a different way.
I know friends of mine who were in the same situation and without MC they made it workout between them.
My H expresses his sorrow thru letters. He has written me a letter every single day since last Thursday. Last night we made love for the first time since I told him about xMM. It was actually very powerful. Then we talked. Around 12:30 a.m. H tells me "I have to write you a letter. I have a lot of thoughts right now, but can't tell them in person." So, he went into his room, and wrote me a letter which he e-mailed me this morning.
I do feel that our M is salvagable. We've been together 12 years. I won't throw that away for xMM. I did a mistake, a HUGE one I might add, but I wanna fix it.
H said I am a different woman in his eyes now and he said he feels like he has to fall in love with me all over again. He said to be patient with him while he's dealing with his pain, but that he needs me to get thru this.
Yes, I told H xMM is black. The weird thing is when I told H about my A and I said to him "You know who the other man is" H right away said "Is it the black guy from the train?" It's like he knew, but he didn't. I don't know if I am making any sense here.
My H's best friend is black. I even told H if he minds that I had an A with a black guy rather than a white guy and he said to him it makes no difference.
When I was still involved in my A and I was on bad terms with xMM, I tried therapy. Of course my H didn't know about it. I went a few times and then stopped. It didn't help me and it got quite expensive too. Each week about $50. Most of them only work from 9-5, Mond-Fri. My H only gets short lunch breaks and he works until 7:30PM at night. It would really be hard to see a MC. I know right now these should be the least of my concerns, because I need to save my M, but also our jobs depend on this too.
My H is VERY confused and VERY hurt right now. So, I am sure this is why he's all over the place. Since last Wednesday when I confessed to him about the A, he had days when he was happy and he was okay, then the next day he was sad, lonely, etc.
Trust me, right now I am giving H all the patience I can give him. I listen to what he has to say, I answer all his questions, whatever he wants, I do it. He asked me for patience and apologized in advance if he says anything mean, it's only because he's expressing his thoughts and feelings.
Believe me, I know I said I wanna tell xMM's W about the A, but of course I won't. xMM has 2 small children. I am sure (unless he's tin man) that he isn't running around doing cart wheels at home from what happened. I am sure his W is not stupid either, but might be in denial. She did find a VERY obvious text message I sent xMM back in January. Any woman in their right mind would know after reading such a message that their H is having an A. She probably choose to be in denial about it for the sake of their M and kids.
Thanks again for your thoughts. It really does help me coming here and sharing my story.
Thanks for listening.
It has been along time since I have posted here.....
I do lurk, but I post on All Sides now.
I know that you are hurting and are full of confusion - shock. Day dreaming and re-living moments trying to figure out what the heck is happening and why now.
Anger really has not hit you yet. Believe me. You may seem upset and pissed, but there are stages of emotions you will go through....and in a few weeks, some days will have every emotion right after another.
MC...........not for everyone, and not always recomended. But therapy for you........I have to say please please please. I could not have gone through the end of my A without seeing a therapist........2 times a week. I needed to help myself, a safe place to talk about EVERYTHING, no reprocussions, no judging.
Now, I dont remember your whole story - but one thing stuck out in your post.
Did you always want to stay with your H? Or did you want your xMM to leave his W and then you would leave your H - ??????
because now that your A is over - it sounded like you are clinging to your H - but pineing over xMM.
I am not judging - just wanting to find out what you are thinking - and what would make the story end in the version you wanted?
I was an OW.
my xMM and my H were part of a group of Best Friends for 15 years - they are still best friends. Since Xmas, I have avoided all but one gathering of friends.
xMM and I love eachother - but his guilt for betraying his best friend and my guilt also made it so sad and confusing. We ended it last November. had NC since Jan 2005 till late last month (a function brought us together and we both nearly cried each time we looked at eachother).
xMM has filed for a D..........and has been sending me flowers, one word criptic cards since he stepped up and filed. but, its too late. I have not recovered (never will) but I see things in a different light now - no matter how much I love him. the steps he took are 8 months too late.
Tell me what you think about - and are you asking H to rebuild, do you really want that?
<<<>>
Instead of thinking about her being in "denial" ...think of his wife as someone who wants to work on her marriage...much like your husband. Perhaps she has been trying very hard to...and with some dignity...thus why you wouldn't know about it because she didn't try and contact you etc.
Think about that
P.S. Porcelain, you are one lucky girl with all that you've been through and done (werent you the one who got pregnant too?) to come out of this still having a place to live and a husband who hasn't left you yet. Instead of thinking "don't let xMM win" (as you say in your other post)...think about "whew what a winner I am because my husband is willing to communicate with me all his thoughts...this will be hard but omg I am so lucky. I think you perhaps get even BETTER communication from those emails than if he is saying things in person...this way he can think about what he writes, perhaps even editing out of concern (or maybe just trying to say the best thing the best way) or even perhaps he writes so that he doesnt forget to say anything good or bad...etc.)
Reward your husband AND yourself by working harder on this than anything you've worked on before. Give it all you have. Give xMM nothing. This was a very very precious gift not to be in a bigger mess than you couldve been in. Honor that.
Good luck, strength, clarity, wisdom and PATIENCE, to you..it wasn't easy for you to tell your husband and I am sure there are mixed reasons for it...but ya know what? I believe you when you say you think this will make things 10x's better. In your case, it sure didn't hurt things. This is what you needed to do in order to get OUT of what you were in. Instead of being scared...know this much...you are stronger than you thought eh? You will survive no matter what because now there are no lies, no sneaking, no disrespect...to you or anyone else. Something to feel good about...lean on that.
Lizzie
I tried IC on my own, but hated it. Maybe I didn't have the right therapist, but after leaving her office, I felt more confused than better.
When my A begun I had no idea what it was all about, where it can lead to, etc. I think xMM had other A's before me, that is why he was so relaxed about it the whole time we were together. He told me when I first met him that he came close to an A before me, and now I strongly believe he probably even went as far with that previous AP as he did with me. I mean, xMM all had it planned out. His lie about being single, him not wearing his wedding band, all ads up now. I was just blind not to see all this. Even his first e-mail he sent me, I should have known he just wanted to F me once, or twice and then that's it.
xMM and I made it clear from the beginning, that we are not in this A to leave our spouses. Although, that was when he was lying to me that he was "single". But either case, I had no intensions of ever leaving my H for xMM.
Yes, it's hard to get over xMM!!!! I mean, I admit it, I do love him and no it's not lust like people have told me in the past. I was emotionally involved with xMM from the beginning, that is why it's harder for me to just forget him and move on. There are constant reminders about him.
I am sticking to NC. I mean, it's over between us. xMM ended it, so unless he decides to call me, which I doubt he will (I told xMM that my H knows), so it's truly over!!!
Yes, I wanna rebuild my M. I have 12 years together with my H. I won't throw away 12 years now that I see what a waste and mistake I did with xMM.
I think if xMM would have ended the A with me differently, like not over a vm and not out of the blue when 5 days prior to our break up we had IC twice in a row, then I might have taken my secret to the grave and not tell H about it. But I choose to come clean. I figured I can't live a lie for the rest of my life. If my H decides to leave me, I deserve it and will live with the pain for the rest of my life. But he decided to give me a second chance. He's hurting like hell. I think 10x more than I am hurting, so I owe him to make our M work. I know I will NEVER find another man like my H. He has been there for me thru thick and thin. I betrayed him, but now I wanna make it right.
I know that finding a doctor is difficult........but what about an actual Psychologist.
I found that seeing an therapist was alot different than a counceler.
I also chose to see a woman therapist for the first time (growing up I alway choose men...)
Give it a try again.......but go for you - not for anything else. think of it as your place - you can say anything. I needed to talk about the A, the feelings, the whole thing.
I felt crappy the first few times too...but then I looked forward to "my days". I started to become empowered.
I heard a line last night in a movie (Spanglish) and it struck me as odd....because it seems to happen to alot of women who are the WS and it was fitting....It was something like "Its not so strange to find out that you are in love with your husband".
If you H has chosen to stay and help rebuild your marriage - I am glad...and I wish you both the best. One piece of advice I can give is: Both of you must set boundries. AND you must let him pick ONE DAY ONLY to ask questions about the A - ALL he wants....and then when the day is over NO MORE QUESTIONS.........
Its called rebuilding the marriage not rehashing the A.
It worked for me......doesnt hurt to try.
Karena
I have to disagree with this one day idea, go present that to the B/S board and see the response you get from them, the w/s is not in the postion of setting terms unless there looking for a quick divorce, it is like shooting someone and telling them they have tell 5pm to stop bleeding.
Free